What Shitty Hip Hop Fan Are You?

Much like metal nerds, rap fans are easy to stereotype because the majority never stop in their unrelenting quest to prove to the world that they listen to hip-hop. They’ll slather it over social networking timelines, boom it out of cars and phones, and inject its culture into their fashion choices, with each small-turn of sub-genre directing a slightly different path. Every type of rap music has a distinct fan-clique that follows it. Here are some of them:

THE CLASSIC RAP FAN

These are mostly freshmen in college who reminisce for an era they never experienced firsthand. All new rap sucks to these people because new rap is neither Ready to Die nor Illmatic. They get all of their information from Wikipedia, because this is what horrifyingly young people do.

THE INTERNET-BORN IDIOT

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The Internet-Born Idiots are similar to the Classically Ignorant Rap Fan because they, too, treat the internet like toilet paper to their rumpapumping shit-stream of consciousness. But instead of using the past as a fleshlight, these guys think rap was born when Lil B invented the cooking dance. Fondling their Twitter handle like an extended cultural relevance signifier, they’ll always have a screen name that references the title of an internet-success led rapper, because why not have a name that won't make sense to anyone outside of a small niche clique?

ALL-LYRICS-EVERYTHING

Some fans obsess over the words in rap music like A-Level Literature teachers obsess over the collected work of Yeats. That’s fine, but without song-structure, production, flow, a hook, and everything else that makes a good song a great song, you’ve just got a hard drive full of Joe Budden mixtapes and a soul lacking the capacity for love.

TERRIBLE RICH HYPEBEASTS

Wow, these guys figured out the five elements of hip-hop were secretly Hood by Air, #BEEN TRILL#, Supreme deadstock, replacing vowels with X and V LVKX THXS, and rap songs where the chorus is just the same dumb, menacing phrase repeated a million times in a row. In other news, Trap Lord has been in stores since August 20th.

THE CONSPIRACY THEORIST

Gangster rap was created by the FBI, Dr Dre invented Burning Man, and yes, Biggie Smalls and Tupac are 100%, no arguments, sunning themselves on a beach in the South Pacific. Sure, there are no definite sources, but what do you expect, that’s the government. Really though, the main conspiracy here is that rappers put triangles in their videos just to fuck with people.

THE KANYE STAN

Find Eric Sundermann's author page here.

THE DRAKE FAN

This is a dangerous place.

Noisey’s Drew Millard tattooed a Drake lyric on his body

and now he hates himself.

@ryanbassil

@drewmillard