We Reviewed Literally Whatever You Sent Us, Volume Eight

Why do we do this?

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Aug 27 2014, 7:40pm

Every month, we, the Noisey editors, do a really dumb thing where we open the floodgates to you, the public, and agree to review literally anything you send us. Drew Millard, Dan Ozzi, and Kim Taylor Bennett are batting today. We usually hate ourselves and music pretty hard after subjecting ourselves to a few hours of free-for-all submissions. So we’re all feeling a bit reluctant to dive in. Except for Dan who is amped to try out his new headphones. Let’s do this...

Dan: Well this is off to a miserable start. As far as I can tell, this is a commercial for a reptile house by two guys who started a band after their kids went off to college.
Kim: Enforced sing-a-longs when you have 15 people in the audience are as ickily awkward and gross as finding out your dad is dating someone who’s the same age as you. These two crinklies have at least anticipated this by including “Yeucck” in the refrain.
Drew: This feels like lost footage from the country sequel to Spinal Tap.

Dan: OK, I get this. At least you didn’t embarrass yourself with words. This sounds like when a dude in a mega-popular band decides to make an artsy solo project that no one cares about. (Looking at you, Angels & Airwaves.)
Kim: It starts off well but then just descends into Extremely Overwrought Territory. Sometimes when I watch boys onstage really, really losing their mind to the music they’re making, I just stand back and laugh. You’re not feeling it that hard buddy, there’s just no way.
Drew: This sounds like it would be playing in the background of a commercial for a dating app for losers.

Dan: Every month. Every fucking month that we do this we get some submission that sounds like the dressing room music and Uniqlo.
Kim: Dan, this is far too nu-disco for Uniqlo. Sometimes I think about Dan dancing to disco, pecs straining out of this wide-lapel nylon shirt, chest hair peeking out to say, “Sup!” I don’t think Dan has ever danced to disco in his life but I would definitely pay 15 bucks to see it. On another note, who produced this and thought it was a good idea to do that submerge-the-speakers-underwater technique? Tragic.
Drew: Wait I kinda like the first song on this? Wait, no, I was wrong, I don’t like this at all.

Dan: Good for you, dude. Use every single button on that MIDI pad! Press ’em all at once! Our eardrums can handle it!
Kim: This particular style of singing, a kind of faux-soul, backwater, Adam Levine on a toilet mode of enunciating is only ever deployed by Americans and it makes me ashamed to be one.
Drew: Songs like this make me realize that Kanye West is a fucking genius, because between 808s and Heartbreak and My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, he created a sound that’s extremely easy to rip off, but also extremely easy to fuck up (which this guy did).

Drew: I give human brand @robesman’s voice a ten out of ten.

Dan: I honestly felt bad listening to this knowing Kim had to hear it. She is a lady, guys.
Kim: It’s OK, Dan. I know that the bright sparks behind Soldered Poon smell like clogged armpits and wet towels left in a black-moldy bathroom corner. That they still live in their mom’s basement next to all the dusty model planes they painstakingly constructed as kids because they were ostracized from their classmates because they kept whipping their tiny peens out in the playground. I know that they think Ramen is an Asian delicacy and they’ve never felt the touch of a woman, only the touch their own fat calloused hands and that lint-and-lube-covered fleshlight by their bed. I also know that this is about as much as anyone will write about them, ever.
Drew: This sounds like bad metal crossed with that goopy fart sound it makes when you masturbate with a fleshlight.

Dan: Oh hell yeah. These are my homies in Clean Girls and their split with Vulture Shit. I booked Vulture Shit—awesome band name by the way—to open for Torche once and people didn’t know what the fuck to make of them. It was awesome.
Kim: I would have been into this when I was 14. But then again at that age I also wore Carhartts and cruised around on a skateboard with a monkey in diaper on it.
Drew: As someone who still wears Carhartts and cruises around on a skateboard with a monkey in a diaper on it, I think this is sick.

Dan: Taking four years of French… as I did [looks at camera seductively] [realizes there’s no camera and he looks like a weirdo], I’m pretty sure “D'Année En Année” means “From Year to Year?” I spent so much time thinking of that that I forgot to listen to the song. But I think I remember it being pretty listenable.
Kim: He’s definitely got that strangulated early-Saves the Day vocal down pat. I definitely get turned on by boys who speak French. Sorry.
Drew: I like this! I am gonna listen to them on Spotify maybe.
Dan: Wait, Kim are you hitting on me?
Kim: No.
Dan: You mean oui?

Dan: Pretty sure no one with an actual face tat made this music. Also, the second song had this weird effect on me where it seriously made me wanna sneeze.
Kim: My God. So many pale boys making wan doomy bedroom music. Garageband: stunting the social skills of artsy, angsty boys since 2004.
Drew: Somehow, this is all Odd Future’s fault.

Dan: This kinda sounds like when Cave In stopped being a hardcore band and made that weirdo space rock record. I missed when they were a hardcore band.
Kim: When Cave In stopped being hardcore—when was that? right around 2003?—was exactly when I interviewed them. And this is why Dan and I sit next to each other and never write about or like the same music ever. (Except Saves the Day)
Drew: Dude I have no idea what you guys are talking about, but also this song slaps.

Dan: I expected Party Boy from Jackass to come running out in an American flag thong. Are any of those dudes still alive?
Kim: No, some of them are dead.
Drew: Ryan Dunn is dead, and the rest of them are alive. Except for Bam Margera, who is undead.
Dan: Even the fat dad is still alive? Wow, man.

Dan: Thanks for recording your band’s improv jam session and throwing it up on Bandcamp. Or as Kim (a Brit) says, “whacking it up.” This is not a saying. Am I right, internet? Please tell Kim on Twitter that “whack it up” is not a saying we use here in America and that it’s weird.
Kim: Do you think “whacking it up” is some kind of euphemism for slapping the salami? Do people even ever say that? Also. I’m not actually British. I was almost OK with this meander till the dude came in at the two minute mark with the reverbed vocals. CAN EVERYONE TAKE THEIR REVERB AND FUCK OFF? Cheers.
Drew: I literally do not have time to listen to this shit.

Dan: This person is seeking press quotes for his new single. Man, do I love these. Here you go: “I listened to this whole song and I 100% seriously dozed off for a bit in the middle. Just for a second but it did happen.” —Dan Ozzi, The Worst, Noisey
Kim: I can’t believe you were so mean about this kid. Look at his cheeky smile. There’s something very “Careless Whisper” about this, which is totally at odd with this kid’s face and his pale pink beanie. Throw some sax on here. Go on. This is coming out on DFA. I guess they’re diversifying their sound. No cow bells necess.
Drew: This is a weird situation because this guy’s publicist emailed us for a press quote during our Open Submission session, explicitly emailing at that time so her artist’s song could be included in this. This guy is on DFA, which despite the absence of LCD Soundsystem, is still an extremely well-known label with considerable cloud. Additionally, they are based in New York, and this publicist works for a fairly large agency with a large amount of well-known clients. So on one hand, if we talk shit on him, we run the risk of alienating his label as well as his publicist. On the other hand, this is a bullshitty, underhanded tactic on the publicist’s part and it’s part of the reason why music journalism is broken. Which is a long-winded way of saying I didn’t actually listen to this.

Dan: This is a gif of a woman doing some sort of a plie. I like her dedication and focus. Good hair spin. Nice public access set design.
Kim: That is not a plie, Dan. It’s just someone’s mom spinning around but the silence is very soothing.
Drew: P. chill GIF IMO.

Dan: If this really is “What we’ve waited our whole lives for” like the opening lyrics suggest, then we’ve wasted our lives. Oh well. At least we saw a lot of boobs.
Kim: I love the way Lex Allen accessorizes his face with a coyly raised eyebrow as he croons in the clouds. His silky patterned bomber is also dope, although I really don’t follow the narrative in his chorus. Can someone elucidate?
Drew: Wait this is actually amazing, this dude should be more popular. Go Webster X go!

Dan: Hey I know this girl. She is my friend on Twitter. Obviously anyone who tolerates my internet presence is a-OK with me and talented and good. Truly the greatest song I’ve heard in the last 30 seconds.
Kim: Oooh some folky goodness! Is that a harp? This is the sonic equivalent of a soft focus, slo-mo pan of a two naked people dancing around in a field of daisies. TAKE ME THERE.
Drew: What they said.

Dan: Hi, Lisa Prank. (I get the name by the way.) I like you. I don’t need to listen to your song again but there’s something I like about you. Do you like The Simpsons? We can be friends. We can dance.
Kim: Lisa’s lyrics succinctly communicate my feelings about every relationship I’ve ever had.“I don’t wanna think/I don’t wanna fight/I don’t wanna have the stupid talk again tonight/Why can’t we just dance?
Drew: This sounds like a cover of a song that doesn’t exist yet.

Dan: Oh Equal Vision, why?
Kim: I AM ANGRY I WEAR BLACK I SLING MY GUITAR REALLY LOW BUT I HAVE TO PULL THE NECK UP REALLY HIGH TO PLAY. “‘I'll Take The Blame’ is available now as part of a two song single titled ‘I've Been Tearing Myself Apart.’ I mean, those song titles…

Dan: I defer to Drew on this.
Kim: Can people please stop using a dollar sign in place of an S?
Drew: To answer your question, Kim, no. To answer yours, Dan, this is tite if you’re under the age of 20.

Dan: Woah, this dude looks exactly like my best friend’s husband whose name is also Jake. This is weirding me out. Get back in your alternate reality, you bizzaro man!
Kim: Do you remember that guy who was like Ben Folds who did that whole Chat Roulette schtick? That guy was cool.
Drew: This sounds like a song recorded to sell socks.

Dan: Hey thanks for this. I’ll play it at my next Halloween party.
Kim: Dr. Who called. He wants his theme tune back.
Drew: Wouldn’t you guys be super scared of this if you were high?

Dan: OK, I genuinely tried to listen to this but then I saw a link to something called Pretzel Pizza. And this is the point of every Open Submission Wednesday when I realize I am starving and ask if you guys wanna go in on a pizza.
Kim: Kinda like Luscious Jackson meets the Ting Tings. Remember the Ting Tings? God they sucked. Hustle Roses is better than them, by like, a lot.
Drew: I remember liking Luscious Jackson as a teen, and this doesn’t sound like anything I would like at any age.

Dan: My dudes, when you start a hardcore band, you must first consider: What are we contributing to the canon of the genre? Is it something new or unique? If not, you can just stop and like, play video games or something.
Kim: See Equal Vision (above). Also, can video directors quit it with this technique. It doesn’t make things look more exciting or manic or vital or thrilling. It’s giving me motion sickness.
Drew: Are these guys rich? Is it harder to be a good punk band if you’re rich? I need answers.

Dan: This has been played a million times??? OK, fuck music. I’m going to go pick up that pizza and just see if they need delivery boys.
Kim: For the first half of this song, you’re like so far, so synthy-slinky-pixie-pop, nice Japanese spoken word breakdown, coulda done without the record scratches. BUT THEN AT 2.27 IT ALL CHANGES COS THE BEAT DROPS LIKE THE DREAM IS COLLAPSING IN INCEPTION AND YOU’RE LIKE YOLO MOTHERFUCKERS.
Drew: I see what they did there, and so did a million other people, apparently.

Dan: This sounds like the soundtrack to some new Emmy-pandering AMC show about cowboys or something.
Kim: You can’t drop “bollocks” in an Canadian accent in a rap that’s best served up with S’mores. Man, remember Buck 65?
Drew: This sounds like Everlast. Weirdly down.

Dan: Is this some sort of IKEA-funded sketch comedy show?
Kim: As far as I can make out this is a tribute to a fictional fashionista Swedish dude living in LDN. There’s definite Austin Powers vibes. It features the drummer from the band Sahara Hotnights who were buzzworthy for a minute back in 2002 when everyone still liked the Hives. At one point the camp disco gives way reggaeton. This is genuinely quite baffling.
Drew: I hate videos that seem like the artist wasted their parents’ money.

Dan: Go to hell.
Kim: It’s amazing that the people in the crowd are trying to dance to this. Also LOL the drummer’s deck shoes. Really completes the look.
Drew: I’m actually in hell.

Dan: I dunno. You guys take it from here. I’m gonna go get that pizza.
Kim: Wait. I’m coming! Drew, this is all you.
Drew: Aw man you guys shouldn’t have left because this is good. Never give up on your dreams, and never submit stuff to Noisey to review probably.

Dan, Kim, and Drew are all on Twitter.

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