The Noisey Guide to Becoming a True Rave Master™

So, you're going to your first rave. Are you excited? Scared? Nervous? You should be! See, yung rave virgin, one does not simply shmoney dance into a rave. One must finesse one’s way through a rave much in the same way one would finesse the plug or finesse the salsa bar at Poquito Mas. There are a few important terms, tips, and tricks to learn before you may be a true Rave Master™. Come with me, won’t you, as I lay out a guide to your local rave.

The first thing you need to know is a rave is anywhere you can hear loud or soft EDM. Here are some examples of raves: a cruise ship, the lobby of the W Hotel, the back seat of any Uber, a high school dance, EDM Festivals, actual raves, the Sahara Tent at Coachella, any dome or tent sponsored by a beer company, any regular dome or tent, brunch, and also everything else. If movies have taught me two things, it’s that 1) in the 90s raves were held in hot, sweaty, drug-filled abandoned warehouses, and 2) Mark Ruffalo was tight. Of course, warehouse rave parties still exist but are now called “afterhours.” Also Ruffalo if you are reading please know I guest-list you at all my branded afterhours just in case you want to come turn up and talk about dude stuff.

But just as Mark Ruffalo went from the epitome of “chill bro” to a warped exoskeleton of a human who’s also a 9/11 Truther for some reason, raves too have changed. What were once glorious opportunities for young people to exercise both freedom and self-expression are now highly organized events with many corporate sponsors. While walking in to Hard Summer 2013 I heard one raver vehemently yell at a girl wearing furry boots, “This is not a rave! It’s an EDM show!” Little did she know that an EDM show is a rave, stupid head. On that note let me define some #crucial rave terms so you won’t be caught wearing furry boots or watching an irrelevant DJ at your next rave.

First you need to know genres:

Dubstep is that wub-wub music that started to get hot in 2009 then burned out as quickly as it started. It filled the aggressive music void that bros sorely missed when nu-metal died in 2003. Skip the dubstep stage at the festival (if there still is one). The only remaining surviving dubstep artist still playing main stages is Skrillex because Skrillex is awesome and I love Skrillex.

Trap is the genre that replaced dubstep. It’s not as aggressive as dubstep.

Jersey Club is the genre that replaced trap. It’s not as aggressive as trap.

Ryan Hemsworth is the genre that replaced Jersey club. It’s not as aggressive as Jersey Club.

In early 2000s, anything electronic was called techno. We learned this when Eminem dissed Moby on “Without Me.” I have been recently been informed that techno is now considered a specific genre. While I really feel the only two techno songs you’ll ever need are Sandstorm and Zombie Nation, there is one modern techno artist I fuck with, and his name is BRODINSKI.

Trance is tight sometimes, IDK. Look at how many subgenres of trance there are, it’s like wow chill out #trancefamily shouldn’t you be busy trancing rather than making subgenres?

I made y’all the above handy chart for this one.

House is a genre invented in Chicago in the 80s. Guess who moved to Chicago at the age of 3 in 1980? Kanye West. You do the math.

OK, now that you know some genres you should also know some rave terminology that may come in handy.

Kandi has been a hot button issue for ravers the past few weeks with some big festivals banning it and Diplo publicly sonning it. I don’t actually know what it is; look it up, I’m not your dad (unless you need a dad, then I can be your dad).

PLUR used to stand for “Peace Love Unity Respect,” but after a raver asked me for a lighter at Coachella this year and I told him I didn’t have one, he told me “That’s not PLUR, bro.” Nothing was the same, and I now no longer know what PLUR stands for.

Having fun and cutting loose with your (frat) bros at the rave. People who are turnt will normally let you know by creating custom t-shirts for themselves with their Greek letters on them.

Gloving is an activity performed by #tru #raverz for anyone from advanced levels to entry levels. It’s a main-stage light show performed right in your face. It’s totally neat and not dependent on drugs whatsoever.

Now that you have a general idea of the genres and lingo it’s time to figure out how to finesse your way in to that rave. Personally, I use a 45-step algorithm that involves multiple conference calls and fake email chains with Senior VPs of companies that don’t actually exist that I show to security at the gates to prove my worth. Normally, this process ends up with me having an all-access pass and the option to play a set if I want. Your best bet will be to ask your mom for some money to buy a ticket.

Once you have your ticket it’s time to charge your phone, put together a look, burn your flower crown, and get to that rave! Once inside just be nice and have fun. It’s not that serious. Take care of your friends and the people around you. You can take selfies and short videos of sets, but not too many. Getting close to the stage shouldn’t be your goal. Your goal should be to dance with your friends, and potentially networking. If you make it on stage, you better be dancing—no one wants to see you stand behind a DJ and not wild out. Also remember that your phone won’t have any service inside the rave because Verizon is a Ponzi scheme. Manage your phone brightness properly and use airplane mode during sets to maximize cell batteries. Personally, I bring my charger to every rave. You can normally find outlets near food / beer tents (also who else is excited for the iPhone 6?). Don’t try to over-plan the amount of sets you want to see because rave plans aren’t loyal. Drink lots of water, and if you see me say hi.

Robesman is an entry-level raver / struggle brand. Find out more information about him on Twitter - @robesman