Hamilton, a Musical That Doesn’t Exist, Has Hypothetical Lyrics Altered to Endorse Clinton
Contrary to popular belief, extremely woke musical Hamilton does not actually exist. Rather, it is a long con, an Emperor's New Clothes of wokeness. It goes like this: Wealthy Manhattanites, US Senators, and socially-conscious tourists arrive at a theater to see a critically lauded play, but instead arrive to see naught but an empty stage. They are anxious, but given that Hamilton is both extremely woke and surely not fake, they say nothing. Before long, they have a CD hoisted upon them, the house lights go up, and they walk outside to be interviewed about the experience by a cabal of attractive and sincere-looking young people. "How was the performance of woke musical Hamilton that you just saw?" the young people ask. Terrified of looking foolish, the CD-carrying upper-middle classes respond the same way every time: "Wow," they say, the nerves gently edging out of their voice as the reassuring eyes of the young people zone in. "It was so powerful."
Occasionally, though, there is a brief performance to enliven the iPhone 7s of the gathered wealthy, a sort of Moon Landing Hoax of wokeness. Last night, that involved Lin-Manuel Miranda, the mastermind of the Hamilton Experiment, changing some lyrics to hypothetical song "The Ten Commandments" into an endorsement of Hillary Clinton. Watch it below, or don't, it doesn't really matter either way.
In case you don't have the constitution for it (that's a really clever joke, yeah), here are some things that are rapped onstage: "Call up some undecideds with your crew, your cousins in Ohio maybe try to flip them blue"; "November 8 / Your last chance to participate / Roll up to your polling place / Vote up in your home state." And then there's this: "Watch Hillary examine the terrain / Watch her campaign with her man Tim Kaine / Tim Kaine in the membrane / Tim Kaine in the brain."
And thus we move into the next phase of The Hamilton Experiment: Phase #22, Preaching to the Choir. This phase involves an analysis of programs and ice creams purchased measured up against how often the assembled crowd has its ego stroked. With performers only appearing onstage for these shadow performances once in a while, this sensation be replicated henceforth by a soothing voice bleeding from the PA system. "You are good," the voice will say. "You are extremely woke. Woke is a thing that young people say and you are that."
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