Your Horoscope According to Your Birth Year's #1 Single: 1988
Issy Beech

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Music

Your Horoscope According to Your Birth Year's #1 Single: 1988

We delve into the very scientific art of deciphering what your birth year's #1 single says about you. First up, 1988, and George Michael's "Faith."

I know what you're thinking. I know what you're going to write in response to this: Who the fuck do these VICE writers think they are? What kind of excuse for an "article" is this absolute piss? I could fart a more poignant and necessary article from the middle of a coma.

Dad, please stop commenting on my articles.

See, the wonderful thing about the internet is that all you have to do is think of something and then it can be online forever, no matter how stupid or unwarranted it may be. So if you don't like it you can suck my dong. This is my new column, Pop Stars. It's real now. And there's nothing you can do about it.

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Let's kick off this new and very cool and scientific series with the best year to be born ever: 1988. The year after 1987, and just one before 1989. A great year. A year that gave the world The Land Before Time and Coming to America. The year we met Snapple lemon-flavoured iced tea, the first year that CDs outsold vinyl, and the year that saw the Ninja Turtles wearing coloured lil masks for the first time. Huge.

You're a Dragon in the Chinese Zodiac. If you're alive and online, you know your official astrological sign—basically the difference between being cool or a nerd—and being a millennial you live by Buzzfeed articles telling you which Pretty Little Liars sub-narrative you are because of it. All very cool.

But let's talk about what really counts, okay? The real you. That is, what the song that topped the charts the year you were born says about you. Spoiler: it's everything. This is the thing they (astrologers) don't want you to know: it's all about the song. Did I make this up? Sure. Is it going to slowly bury its way into your brain like a tick and bleed into everything you think and do and believe? Probably. So is the desperate nature of sentience.

So, without further ado, let's learn a little bit about all people born in the year 1988. You guys were born under "'Faith' by George Michael" (FBGM), that year's reigning #1 single. Congratulations. A wonderful song. With a very, very complex reading.

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First things first, "'Faith' by George Michael": you have got to have faith. Sorry, let me clarify: you don't necessarily have it or not have it but it is absolutely essential that you either talk about or think about having it. You and everyone around you knows you've got to have it, regardless of whether or not you do. I'm not talking about a belief in God. Obviously. I'm talking about the kind of faith that gives you the courage to show somebody the door, despite all your primal urges and animal instincts.

Do you know what this song is about, dude? It's about making the very brave and earnest decision to not fuck someone because you know in your heart of hearts that all they have going for them is the fact that they're hot and they're there. An integral life lesson your friends and loved ones could do well to learn. Luckily for you you've known it since day dot. You know you have to wait for somethin' more.

And so you're lucky in love, FBGM, because you make decisions with longevity in mind. Unfortunately, you've not been as lucky in anything else.

So you're gonna need that faith, pal. You are. Because FBGM was GM's second single as a solo artist and this is, unfortunately, the reason that you have been second in basically all your efforts (bar love) your entire damn life. Whether that's being the second-born-child, or the second-best-dressed child. Or the second-largest factor behind your parents divorce back in 2004. (We won't be mentioning the first, will we, Margaret. Your dad's "personal assistant" at all those "bi-quarterly conferences" that dad seemed to attend a little more frequently than bi-quarterly. THAT'S RIGHT DAD WE NOTICED.)

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Want the good news? You've only come second in life so far. Things are gonna get better for you soon, baby, trust me on this. You wanna know why? Because "Faith" was released in October of 1987, and didn't begin to see chart success until the next year. That's right. You're the tortoise type, not the hare. You're a slow starter. Your time is coming. I'm predicting big things for you in the coming years.

Sure, you're nearly thirty and every single person at Christmas lunch (no exceptions) keeps asking you "Hey [name redacted], when are you going to start succeeding, you big failure? When are you going to impress us all like your cousin Richard does with his money and many, many assets? What's wrong with you?" You listen to me, bud: Next time you get cornered by that bitch of an aunt you just tell her about FBGM and how it was actually released in October of 1987 and yet didn't see any real chart success until 1988. Hear that, Glenda, you fucking monster???!!! It's all comin' up FBGM!!!

So enjoy that. Revel in the fact that your time is yet to come.

I should warn you, though, to watch your back. Sleep with one eye open. Because not everyone will have your best interest at hearT. All because Limp Bizkit covered your birth year's song in 1997. But don't let that tear you down. Keep your head up. You have got to have faith. By George Michael.

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