Does Luxury Tent Accommodation at a Music Festival Guarantee That You'll Get Laid?

Beyond The Valley is a music festival held over the New Year weekend in picturesque Lardner, 90-minutes outside Melbourne. Due to good fortune and circumstance not only did I score a ticket to the four-day festival but also accommodation in my own private luxury tent. This was going to be the best New Year ever.

If a man cannot get laid in a majestic tent, then there is something wrong with the man. Thus began my quest.

Day 1

The Gods had assigned me tent 44. It was time to explore my luxury lodgings.

Perfect.

Everything the light touches, Simba.

These were my neighbours. None of them would have sex with me. This is Terran. I did not ask her to have sex with me. She’s Ivan Ooze’s girlfriend. Ivan Ooze is a top bloke. I went back to my tent to further inspect the awesome features. Look at this stool. If that doesn’t get you going …

“Hey baby do you need to charge ya phone?”

So you’ve got a boyfriend. But can he offer you FRESH TOWELS? He can? Never mind. Have a good festival.

Come back later for the sexual shaddow puppet show.

No sex after Day 1 but the tent is pretty sweet. Day 2

This is Olivia. She has cool hair and did not have sex with me.

I ended up at a random campsite looking for a lighter. (A lighter will get you laid quicker than a luxury tent). A beautiful girl helped me with my lighter problem and seemed to have taken a liking to me. The temperature was dropping so I offerered to get her a jacket from my tent. But on the way back the drugs kicked in. I don't remember much else of the day or night. I'm pretty sure I didn't get laid. Here is a picture of some trees I found on my camera the next day.

Day 3 (New Year’s Eve)

New Year’s Eve day was a fucking scorcher and with a temperature hovering around 40-degrees it meant that I spent most of it licking my wounds in the artist area. I hung with The Rubens and told them all about my tent. They would not have sex with me.

“Hey dude, screw your tent. Get a picture of this – this is love.”

I didn’t have sex that night, but I did tell Scarlett Stevens of San Cisco that I loved her, and considering I’ve fanned over San Cisco for the five years that was way better than any form of fornication.

Here is the Jungle Giants' Sam Hales giving me some mad wisdom. "Sex is nothing when compared to the power of love."

Day 4

11am. Hung over. Headache. I could hardly walk. Mission; failed.

Still, if sex isn’t with somebody you actually connect with, the aftertaste is a mixture of empty confusion. Plus, it was hot as fuck and I desperately needed a shower. So I went home and ate KFC while watching Dragon Ball Z, which can be better than sex.