Happy Birthday, Here’s An Ugly Cake Featuring Your Favourite Band

The key to any ugly band cake seems to be buckets of fondant and having no idea of scale.

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11 July 2016, 2:45am

Image: Metal Injection

Cake baking is a science — much like smelling someone’s mouth to figure out if they are a viable mate. Sometimes, just like that, science and love collide. When screaming “I Love You” thirty rows deep at your favourite band’s sold out show doesn’t feel like enough, you can call on the science of baking to really get that message across. Nothing says ‘hey band member, I wanna smell your mouth’ like 12” of cool-blue fondant. That’s why Noisey has compiled this list of the most crooked, twisted, evil and delicious band cakes for you to salivate over and around.

Pantera

Image: Half Baked Tumblr

The 'secret' ingredient in this decadent chocolate mud cake is not what you think. The 'kick' actually comes from a quarter cup of Tennessee bourbon and a half gram of PCP.

Drake

Image: Pintrest

There's a lot of love for Drake around the world. From Toronto to Tehran, his rose petal lips (and insightful lyrics) often appear on birthday cakes, or Drake Bakes as they are called in some parts of Canada.

Ariana Grande

Image:

The older I get, and the more real world stress presses on me, all I want is to listen to pop music. It is a sugary balm to my frayed nerves.

That's exactly what I found when I Googled, "Ariana Grande cake". They were vanilla creme emotional enemas, sweet reliefs from 28-years of life. These are beautiful creations made by (or for) parents who want their kids to have a really nice, memorable birthday. I know I'm projecting, I know these are probably the result of some brat threatening to asphyxiate a younger sibling if their birthday isn't perfect. I know that in the same way that I know Zayn Malik is probably not as eloquent and insightful as I imagine. But they are pieces of fantasy, of a world that I hope exists somewhere, where kids are polite, cakes are beautiful, every song is a banger, and people don't get mad when you put Fireworks on the office Sonos.

Cyndi Lauper

Image: Do It Myself Cakes

Just as Cyndi struggled with the transition from the 80s into the 90s, this cake struggled with the FedEx from Colorado to New York.

Blink 182

Image: Reddit

Blink were a big fuck you to authority and kowtowing to parents, teachers, cops and recipes.

Willie Nelson Brain Cake

Image: Side Serf Cakes

Old Willie looks so resigned to his fate. He's been on the road so long he doesn't know whether his brain is being eaten or if it's just the reefer doing its thing.

Kylie Minogue

Image: Cake Chooser

We really hope that Kelvin is gay.

Freddie Mercury

Happy 50th birthday Keith. Here's a cake with a marzipan statuette of that singer you like. The one who died at age 45. Don't let that make you feel weird or anything. Like, don't start thinking about all the things he achieved in his four and one half decades on the planet when you've been here an extra five years and counting. You still count as a person, Keith, and I'm sure if there is a heaven, Freddie is overjoyed that his likeness is topping this flourless mudcake right now.

Bon Jovi

Image: Dawnies Cakes

Do you realise how hard it was to find a place that could do a gluten free, vegan banana cake and know who Bon Jovi is? Though to be honest on delivery it said Bong Jovi. I had to take the ‘G’ off. Did it leave a red mark?

Radiohead

Image: Reddit

A Radiohead cake tastes exactly like you'd expect it would - nine variations of cardboard smeared with cream cheese frosting.