Prepare to Get Laid a Lot with These Scientifically Approved Dance Moves

Peer-reviewed to get you in the mood.

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09 February 2017, 9:29pm

Have you ever had sex? It is good. But how do you have sex? How do you optimize the possibility that someone will have sex with you? Why are you not having sex right now? For answers to these questions and more, we turn today to Science.

Specifically, we turn to an article published this morning at Scientific Reports entitled "Optimal asymmetry and other motion parameters that characterize high-quality female dance." The study, put together by a group of psychologists at England's Northumbria University, seeks to pinpoint dance moves in females that members of the opposite sex will find irresistible.

It begins with a sexy observation. "Dance is a universal human behavior that is observed particularly in courtship contexts and that provides information that could be useful to potential partners," the researchers note, sexily. "Here, we use a data-driven approach to pinpoint the movements that discriminate female dance quality."

Put simply, the psychologists played some music ("a basic rhythm") to 39 women in a room in the north of England and asked them to dance. Sexily. (This is actually a good reflection of most northern English nightlife, so that methodology stands up). They then captured these dances using 3D motion capture and animated the moves through avatars. Those animations were then shown to a group of 200 judges—57 men and 143 women—who rated the dancers on a scale from 1 to 7 (1 being unsexy, 7 being "Donald Glover listening to "Bad and Boujee"). Seeing avatars instead of real people, they would be unbiased, the thinking went.

Right, that's all fine. Not sexy, but fine.

Now take a look at this unequivocally arousing avatar, supposedly the ideally sexy combination of the best-rated dancers in the study.

Sexy!

Defer your arousal for a moment, however, because we have some methodology questions to get through. Dance moves like the ones displayed by this avatar can't just be the result of a "basic rhythm." No, there's something far more alluring behind it all. According to Scientific American, the 125 BMP track was stripped from a Robbie Williams song.

This Robbie Williams.

This one.

This Robbie Williams right here.

This leaves us with one question. How, when listening to songs this naturally sexy, could any person or combination of people dance like this?

That right there is an amalgamation of the worst dancers in the study. It's also a goddamned embarrassment that they'd move like this when confronted by "Rock DJ." It's an affront to their country and their Queen and it's never going to get anyone laid.

A chart makes this easier to discern:

The conclusion is simple:

At mid-range values for asymmetric arm movement, less hip swing is required to achieve the same result. However, at the highest values for asymmetric arm movement, there is a need for greater hip swing again. When asymmetric thigh movement is set to the lower level of −1, the regime to achieve a dance quality rating of 3.1 undergoes a rightward shift such that greater hip swing is required for all values of asymmetric arm movement.

Simpler still? Hips, thighs, and asymmetric arm movements. Sexy.

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