I'm going to tell you what I told my friends last week, 24 miserable hours after I decided to "definitively" rank every single song written and performed by the American comedian Adam Sandler: This was a huge mistake.I used to really like Adam Sandler. As in, last week, I was a big fan. I figured I knew about all there was to know about his shortcomings; bad jokes, often inappropriate ones. A penchant for wearing tracksuits (actually the best thing about him). But it turns out I have been underestimating the American comedian Adam Sandler for years. I've been singing his praises; even defending him when people said Grown Ups 2 was an abomination. Trying to hark back to the joyous, playful youth of "The Christmas Song," or the painfully sweet sincerity of "I Wanna Grow Old With You." Not realising that he is responsible for one of the worst, most upsetting catalogues of music of all time.
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I was naive, living in a fantasy world. A bit like Billy Madison, actually.But here we are. I said I was going to do a thing even if it killed me. Which, frankly, I wish it had. So here it is. Counting back from 1 to 40: every single Adam Sandler song, ranked. Skits from studio albums are not included for your safety and because I really didn't fucking feel like it.Welcome to the time when Adam Sandler was at his hottest, funniest, cheekiest, most accessible, and most unexpected. The man had wormed his way onto our TV screens, and into our hearts. This was Adam pre-blockbusters and Rob Schneider. What I wouldn't do to go back to this time. "What made me say that?!"If only everyone's suicidal post-breakup breakdowns were this beautiful and generous. It's just like IFC said, "Sandler's climactic ode to depression from The Wedding Singer is a downright catchy track in its own right." So, so true. Thank god for depression. Really.I actually can't tell you how many times I've seen The Wedding Singer. Not because I don't know, but because if I did, I don't think anyone would speak to me ever again. They'd realise that every time I'd said I was busy, or that I was working late, or that I was doing literally anything, I had actually been crying to Steve Buscemi covering Spandau Ballet. This song? Wow. It's just… it's true love. What else can I say?
1. "The Christmas Song"
2. "Somebody Kill Me"
3. "I Wanna Grow Old With You"
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4. "Forgetful Lucy"
5. "Lunchlady Land"
6. "Thanksgiving Song"
7. "The Chanukah Song"
8. "Red Hooded Sweatshirt AKA Valentine's Day Song"
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9. "The Goat Song"
10. "The Lonesome Kicker"
11. "Stan the Man"
12. "The Every 10 Years Song feat. Drew Barrymore"
13. "A Song About Elmo"
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14. "Farewell Song To David Letterman"
15. "Welcome My Son"
16. "Pickin' Daisies"
17. "Sweet Beatrice"
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18. "The Respect Chant"
19. "Bad Boyfriend"
20. "Moyda"
21. "Corduroy Blues"
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22. "Dee Wee - My Friend the Massive Idiot"
23. "Food Innuendo Guy"
24. "Four Years Old"
25. "Voodoo"
26. "The Mayor of Pussytown"
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27. "My Little Chicken"
28. "Best Friend"
29. "What the Hell Happened to Me?"
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30. "Dancin' and Pantsin'"
31. "Dip Doodle"
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32. "Piece of Shit Car" (Sometimes known as "Ode to My Car")
33. "Zittly Van Zittles"
For almost two whole years
We had no secrets
We had no fears
There was nothing we wouldn't do
When we were in the sack
She'd even pop the zit on my back
But one night I was out cheating
After I drank a few
She caught me red handed
And said we're through
Now she's got a new boyfriend
It nearly gave me a heart attack
'Cuz who's gonna pop this zit on my back?
Well I got a pimple and I don't know why
It keeps growing in the same place
I can't reach it with my left or right hand
I wish it was on my face
It's four days old
And it hurts so bad
But it's ready for a squeeze
Won't somebody pop it for me please?
I'll give you ten dollars
If you're a girl in this lonely world
And you're looking for a guy
I'll never cheat again, I promise
That's no lie
There's only one thing I ask of you
Could we name our first child Zak?
Oh, one more thing
Please pop this zit on my back
I'm dying here!
A pimple ay-hee
A pop-a-doodly-doo
Squirt heedly-hoo
Well I'm sitting alone by the phone
And no one seems to call
I try to scrape my zit off on the kitchen wall
Well that don't work, so I look around
And find a big shiny thumb-tack
Put it on the floor, lay down
Pop the zit on my back
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