I Applied For An A&R Position At Ed Sheeran’s New Record Label

Last week on a Sydney radio station, Ed Sheeran announced that he is launching his own record label. Aptly titled, Gingerbread, the label will be an imprint of Warner, and the big dudes there will take care of… all the actual work.

Which is good, because it’ll allow Sheeran more time to sign acts that sound/look/act like him and/or Rupert Grint.

"I've set up my first record label, it's called Gingerbread and [British singer-songwriter] Jamie Lawson is my first signing," he told NOVA’s Kent 'Smallzy' Small, a guy with possibly the most commercial radio announcer name of all time. "I wanted Australia to be the launch pad because Australia is a country that I feel would really really dig Jamie."

Why Ed thinks Australia is a country that will “really really dig Jamie” is a mystery but Ed should know. After all he’s played at an AFL Grand Final and on pretty much every Australian television program. He knows what Australia wants. It could also be because Lawson is touring with Sheeran on his Australian tour.

I understand that Ed is a pretty busy guy. Between working on his farm, playing three sold out shows at Wembley and writing the follow up to his smash album x, he doesn’t have much time to get to Wednesday Open Stage nights.

That is why I’ve put my own hand up for the upcoming position at the Gingerbread A&R department. As well as sending though my CV and resume I also picked out a few acts that would be the perfect match for the Gingerbread roster.

PETER HOLLINS

This one was pretty easy. Considering that we’re already going for artists that look and sound like yourself, Ed, how can you overlook a guy that is literally performing one of your songs; whilst sounding and (kind of) looking like you?!

He’s got the weird fanbase going. A fanbase that actually pay, real money, directly to him every time he releases a new acapella video. The dude is making over six grand every time he makes an a capella cover.

Think about it, he’s just come off the back of an album of covers, he most likely needs a new label, and we could just release a whole album of covers of Ed Sheeran classics! You could even cover one of his covers!!

CRAYON POP

Do you like K-POP Ed? Seriously, it’s a market that Australia needs right now. It’s pretty much the only market that people like Crayon Pop aren’t dominating. Your style of sad, love torn pop is dying and this bright, over the top, in-sync, girl-band pop is taking its place. I dare you to find anyone that wouldn’t end up addicted to the repetitive vocals and dance moves and overt weirdness of Crayon Pop. It’ll take over your subconscious and give you nightmares for the rest of your life - that’s real marketing.

HYDRA (TOTO TRIBUTE BAND)

Forget original artists, tribute bands are the new original. It’s 2015, every style, genre and sound has been covered, so it’s up to labels like Gingerbread to bring back the sounds of yesteryear. And considering that most of these bands are; too old to perform, or broken up, or dead - tribute bands are filling the gap in the market.

TOTO are known worldwide as the best band that have ever existed, so I feel that a six-piece Italian based tribute band, not only open us up to the infamous Italian market - but also show real diversity within our ranks. Look at how aged these guys look too, they’ve seen some real shit in their lives - and it comes across in their delivery.

HOTTEST, SEXIEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL & TALENTED FEMALE IN THE WORLD

The titsle, I mean title, says it all. Although her stage name, is a bit long we could create a cool acronym for it, like HSMB&TFITW. Besides don't you just love a line like, “A season ticket on a one way ride”?

JAMES BLUNT

Why just focus on unknown/unsigned talent when you can cash in on the resurgence of a fallen idol? James Blunt may be a tough one to sign, considering that you pretty much stole his whole schtick and fanbase and livelihood. So all I’ll say is that imagine a world where Ed Sheeran and James Blunt stood side-by-side, on stage performing together, as mankind plummets into Armageddon during the apocalypse. That’s the way I’d want to go out.

Boning your mum. RT @Charlie_1232: James Blunt has a twitter, what would he even tweet about?

— James Blunt (@JamesBlunt) December 3, 2014