FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Music

We Reviewed Literally Whatever You Sent Us, Volume 12

See what internet weirdos sent us their demos this month!

This is a thing we do that started as a joke but will one day kill us all. It’s called Open Submission Wednesdays. What happens is, for 30 minutes, we open the floodgates of Twitter. Anything you send us, we review. This month, we got a seemingly unending queue of songs—enough to provide a soundtrack to ruin several consecutive days. On the judging panel today is Dan Ozzi, Fred Pessaro, and Kim Kelly and ugh, let’s just get it over with.

Advertisement

Dan: The guy with the mustache, I am like, 90 percent sure that dude works at Vice. The other day I saw him wearing painter’s overalls.
Fred: No.
Kim: I thought the name of this band was “Oi Boom.” I was sadly mistaken. This is car commercial music.


Dan: My dude, you’re allowed to go faster than this. I realize it’s not a race but Jesus Christ, put some heat on it. Don’t take ten NyQuils before you start rapping.
Fred: Reminds me of early Madlib, specifically LOOTPACK. Love it.
Kim: This is very chill. I am okay with this.


Dan: You sound like you took Snapcase’s old drums out of the garbage.
Fred: Dan’s right. This was recorded on the same drumkit that Lars used for St. Anger.
Kim: Yes! This is cool. The drum sound needs work, but the rest of it sounds like slow-moving armageddon. Northern England is so good at evil sludgy noisey doom.
Dan: Hey guys, controversial opinion: I thought St. Anger was kinda cool.


@NoiseyMusic @danozzi @fredpessaro @GrimKim Any takes on the ending of Dexter?

— Emilio (@ohwhatitsmeels) March 3, 2015

Dan: I’ve only ever watched one episode of the show. But the main dude (I think his name is Dexter) was my old co-worker’s best friend. Nice guy. For a serial killer, I mean.
Fred: I work at Vice, I don’t own a television.
Kim: What’s a television?
Dan: A television was the thing you got pornography from before the internet but after old magazines buried in the backyard.

Advertisement

Dan: This is rap for people who just got home from the dentist.
Fred: Baby’s first rap video.
Kim: These guys sound very smug.


Dan: Whoever the first guy was who made it OK to have a whiny-ass cry-voice in emo-punk, I’d like to find him and kick him right in the dick.
Fred: Dan, I’ll hold him down for you. Just to make sure he doesn’t get to have children ever again.
Dan: I think what we’re talking about is genetic purification but like… I’m kinda OK with it?
Kim: Oh man, my best friend and I went to so many shows like this in college (this guy is even from Jersey!). I have such a soft spot for sad, skinny middle class boys with reedy voices, torn copies of the Anarchist Cookbook, and a taste for whiskey.


Dan: You spelled your name wrong, idiets.
Fred: If this song was a 45 second interlude, it would be perfect. Instead, an eight-bar loop is stretched out for four-plus minutes.
Kim: What was the point of this?


Dan: If you can afford all this expensive stuff, why are you submitting your music to us on Twitter?
Fred: The beat has a Baltimore club feel, which I’m into. Not feeling the rhymes.
Kim: I like her voice a lot, but the backing beat is very distracting.


Dan: I want to say this is pretty cool but I just know it’s like, some dude in his basement. Some dude named Doug.
Fred: What. I kind of love this.
Kim: Oh, no.


Dan: There are six of you in this band. Do three people make the music and the other three convince them it's listenable?
Fred: Sounds like Wilco without the balls.
Dan: You mean Wilco?
Kim: This is cute I guess? Who would buy a fake leather jacket, though…

Advertisement

Dan: You should get together with that band Real Estate and do covers of Sunny Day Real Estate.
Fred: I’m bored.
Kim: Oh, NO.
Dan: Guys, you are neglecting to mention how hilarious my SDRE joke was.


Dan: This sounds like this French pixie woman who played ukulele covers on Youtube I was obsessed with her for a good three to nine months.
Fred: Great voice.
Kim: Not sure how to feel about the breathy pseudo-bluesy vocals.
Dan: This is her. What's she up to these days?


Dan: This is actually pretty good, you know, in comparison to this unending flaming crapbag that's been submitted here today.
Fred: Too bratty for me.
Kim: Definitely Dan music.
Dan: What does that mean, Kim?


Dan: This was submitted by like, six different people. Nice try, internet.
Fred: The future of music, clearly. Gotta run, I have a date with the front of a moving semi.
Kim: This can’t be real.


Dan: Hey this is that same band from before. Thanks for the visual confirmation that there are six of you. All six people. All named Joshua.
Fred: “OMFG THIS IS SO CHARMING!” Is that the reaction they were looking for?
Dan: This charming band.
Kim: The only way that a bag of balloons could possibly be that heavy is if you’re a wilted vegan like this little Romeo.


Dan: As far as rap submissions go, this is probably the best one so far. Which is kinda like saying Jeb Bush is the best Republican presidential candidate so far.
Fred: Reminds me of Atmosphere. That is not a compliment.
Kim: A+

Advertisement

Dan: Is it possible to hear the phrase “Lordamercy” without imagining Dave Chappelle saying it in Half Baked? Because I cannot.
Fred: This beat reminds me of that shitty Macklemore “Can’t Hold Us” beat.
Kim: This sounds like an amalgam of Jay-Z, Nicki Minaj, Iggy Azalea’s “Work” song, and that “trap music” stuff Drew keeps talking about.
Dan: Right near da beach… boyeeee.


Dan: I’ll bet this song is gonna be in a trailer for a David Fincher movie soon.
Fred: I like the vocals, remind me of Cat Power a little. The beat is not for me.
Kim: This is so cinematic! Very retro-futuristic feel. Great vocals.


Dan: To quote the late, great Harold Ramis in Ghostbusters: Very good, Hudson. Short, but pointless.
Fred: Legitimately great. I love this actually. Who are you?
Kim: These are literally frying my brain and I can’t do this anymore.


Dan: Here’s my impression of you making this: “No! Put more snaps on it! I said MORE snapping! I want snaps coming out my ass over here!”
Fred: Producer’s rule number one: Just because you can play a sample backwards does not make you a producer. I was bored 20 seconds in.
Dan: Hey um, is Kim gone?


Dan: The first words of this song were “I’m dumb, I’m ugly, but your bitch still want to fuck me.” I stopped after that because there’s no way it could get any better from there.
Fred: Dude gets LYRICAL with masterpieces like this: “I ain’t got no type. As long as she suck dick and pay for dinner once or twice that’d be tight.”
Dan: I’m starting to think Kim is not coming back.

Advertisement

Dan: Amazingly, this actually does sound like a dying kebob.
Fred: Where is the line between “lo-fi” and “actual dogshit?”
Dan: OK seriously, I’m worried about Kim.


Dan: Nice try, The Black Keys, we know it’s you.
Fred: Have you guys ever heard of the Cure? This riff is basically a rip off and spin on “Lullaby” by The Cure.
Dan: Kim is not picking up her phone.


Dan: This sounds like something I can’t quite put my finger on. Oh right. [points to every hardcore record I bought in the 90s] These.
Fred: You will never be His Hero is Gone or Tragedy. Sorry, bud.
Dan: I’ve called all the hospitals and Kim isn’t in any of them. Open Submission Wednesdays has killed her. RIP Kim Kelly. Died heroically trying to protect the internet from a shitstorm of unlistenable garbage.