Have a Shitty Weekend (for the Last Time Ever)!

(Photo by Jake Krushell)

Well friends, this is it. The most beloved, well-read column on VICE is sadly coming to an end. I gave you back-handed advice on how to avoid having bad weekends, we had some laughs, we cried a bit (you cried a bit, I don’t cry) – but as Isaac Newton first discovered all those years ago, what goes up must come down.

But don’t fret my sweets, as the spirit of Have a Shitty Weekend! will be with you always. Every time you see a pop-up restaurant, a bouncy castle for adults, a real ale festival or some wartime reminiscence party involving sandbags and air raid sirens, just think of me. Think of me bursting into your flatshare while you’re enjoying your pre-lash and shitting in the fan of your Sky box. Think of my face every time you order a drink, call a dealer or buy a travelcard, because I’ll be there. In the face of every child, in every ray of sunshine, every droplet of rain, every gust of wind, I’ll be there, hoping you break your ankle or that your other half leaves you for an accountant.

Have a shitty weekend, my loves. I will miss you forever.

BOAT SHOW
The 13th to 14th of June, The Tattershall Castle (Ship), Victoria Embankment 

Boat-show! Boat-show! Boat-show! Boat-show! Yeah man, water! Look, Dave, a boat on the water! I wonder what could be inside it. Comedy you say? Well, count me in!

If you've read any of these columns before, you may have gathered that I believe live comedy to be the biggest load of shit in the overflowing cesspit that is the British entertainment industry. I'd rather sit and watch one of those guys who sprays themselves silver and stands still for hours than see what "drunken singer-songwriter Loretta Maine" has to say about anything. I think my hatred for stand-up stems from those house party twilight hours, when most people have left and some cunt will go, "Mate, have you seen [insert name of obscure stand-up comedian]? It’s amazing." Then they pull the comedian up on YouTube and you all sit there staring at the screen, not laughing.

Anyway, if you like looking out onto the Thames and wondering how many new diseases could be found if you dipped a pipette into it, Boat Show is the place to go. Who knows, something funny might actually happen, like the ship sinking or everyone getting scurvy.

WORLD NAKED BIKE RIDE
Saturday the 14th of June, Various locations

Let me tell you something about the human body: it’s fucking disgusting. As someone who’s spent a lot of time on Vine and ChatRoulette, I can tell you with some confidence that the average person's naked figure is essentially a knobbly, vomit-inducing sausage. Guts? gross. Tits? Hard to get right. D and V? Jesus mate, you ever seen either of them up close?

Let me tell you something else about the human body: it doesn’t do well when crushed under the wheels of an articulated lorry. All the stuff inside sprays everywhere like a burst paddling pool. So exposing these two things to each other would only have disastrous consequences, no? The organisers of World Naked Bike Ride don’t seem to think so.

The whole thing is supposedly a protest against oil corporations and "the cult of car", though – like almost every protest in existence – it will inevitably do fuck all to battle these issues and exists almost solely to serve the egos of the participants. I mean, how much of a narcissist do you have to be to convince yourself that your putrid naked body is enough to invoke change in a billion-dollar global industry? If you’d like to find out, the ride will be setting off from a variety of locations, from West Norwood to Regent's Park, finishing up at Wellington Arch.

(Photo via)

WORLD CUP 2014: ENGLAND V ITALY AT KOKO
Saturday the 14th of June, Koko, London

Nothing says "football crazy, chocolate mad" like watching England’s inaugural World Cup performance in a mod-themed venue in north London. KOKO will be screening this sporting monolith on Saturday, and before the boys in red and white get battered by a bunch of philandering racists, you can watch live music from Essex mods Missing Andy – though a separate ticket is required at £5 extra (WORTH IT!).

After the disappointment has dissipated slightly, you can enjoy music from DJ Soul Boy Mystic, who – surprisingly, given his name – will be "spinning" a mixture of "indie, rock and pop with a Britpop leaning". To be honest with you, I’d rather lean into a blacksmith’s furnace than listen to that trash pile after watching a game of football. Why can’t people just be left to get pissed in peace?

Anyway, thank you for coming with me on this journey. I love you all.

@joe_bish