What To Do When Someone Finishes Things With You Via Message

There’s not exactly a good way to be broken up with – there’s always going to be a moment of impact when you realise what’s happening, whether it's unpleasantly out of the blue or drawn out over time.  

The least abysmal approach is debatable, and everyone is going to have a different answer. If a birthday or planned adventure is coming up, is it best to do it before or after the big day? Total honesty might be too much for some people, but desired by others for clarity. Some of us would rather be told cleanly and quickly, others want lengthy conversations about the how and the why. 

But most people can agree on one thing: If you’ve been in a serious or long term relationship, one of the worst ways to receive the message is, well, a message. To be saying I Love You’s one day and checking your inbox to find a break-up email the next is a cold fish to the face for even the most emotionally stable person.

Short – or super casual – relationships can be a different story when it comes to text-centric closure. Plenty of people would rather a quick fling was cut off without any embarrassing face to face interactions. Reacting in private or in the company of friends is somewhat of a grace provided by a simple message. 

Although make no mistake: even if things aren’t that serious, a break-up text can still really sting. 

Things and flings aside, a message to end a committed relationship is pretty brutal. Especially if it’s short, unexpected or unclear.  

Don’t respond immediately

It seems obvious, but it’s hard to do. When emotions are at an all time high, being reactive and replying with your first thoughts is tempting, if not just an instinct. But you want to avoid responding immediately. It’s highly likely you’ll say something you regret or don’t really mean and have to deal with the aftermath. Take a breather and don’t let the heat of the moment get to your head.

Let it all out  

You have the benefit of being able to process the shock of the break-up in private. It might be the one positive of the whole situation. You don’t have to endure sitting across from your now-ex and pretending to handle it well. You don’t have to put on a brave face or think of something to say. Cry, shout, eat, sing, do what you need to get your feelings out and indulge in having the free space to react without anyone else's judgement.

Try to understand their side

Empathy is the only way we’re ever gonna create a better life for ourselves and people around us. Your ex might be awful and might have sent a break-up text carelessly and cruelly – but you don’t 100% know what their thought process was. They might be feeling incredibly anxious, scared of your reaction or worried that they won’t be able to communicate their thoughts verbally. If you can avoid being quick to anger and try to understand that they have their own reasons for what they’ve done you’ll feel better for it. 

Even if it turns out that it was done in bad taste, not jumping to conclusions is a good habit to be in.  

Call a friend 

Leaning on people you love and trust is so important when processing something as hard as a break-up. Rather than begin an endless argument with your ex or go stir crazy on your own, call up a friend or your family. Arrange a sleepover, dinner or drinks (but not too many drinks). Surround yourself with people that make you feel good and who will listen. 

Having other people around whose judgements aren’t clouded by the shock of it all can also help you figure out the best way to reply. Just make sure that you’re asking people you see as kind and level-headed for advice – the friend who’s notorious for being angry, bitter and vengeful when it comes to relationships isn’t the person whose encouragement you need. 

Reply when you’re ready 

Take your time to figure out what you really want the other person to hear. This might take an hour, a day, even a week. In saying that, don’t be surprised if they follow up with another message if it’s longer than a day or two – and if they’re concerned about your health or safety then let them know you’re okay and just need more time before you respond. You don’t want the person on the other end of the phone to be freaking out about your safety because they haven’t heard from you in a week. 

There’s also a chance that they might not reply at all once you’ve sent a message back. When you’re crafting your response, don’t go in with expectations. Some people really suck and even people we like and trust can be unpredictable in highly-strung situations.

Waiting until you’re ready to process whatever conversation does or doesn't happen can keep you from making any poor decisions in the moment. 

Receiving a break-up message can feel surreal. A three year relationship brought to its end by a text? It’s not an easy thing to process. But like with any break-up, no matter how it happens, you have to accept that it is happening. 

If someone wants to end the relationship, there’s no fighting it. People have their own needs and their own autonomy. If one person knows it’s done for them, then it’s best for the both of you that it’s come to an end. 

Don’t fight it, own your feelings, lean on loved ones and know what you’ll soon start healing. 

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

LoveBetter Youthline support channels:

Email: lovebetter@youthline.co.nz

Or rangatahi can text lovebetter to 234

https://check.areyouok.org.nz/

Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa. You can find her @rachellydiab on IG and Letterboxd and see her film criticism on Youtube.