You wouldn't think Alex Rodriguez could perform a Christmas miracle on April 17th but that's only because your youthful eyes have been corroded by age. There is hope for your weary eyes and rotten soul, yet, and his name is Alexander Emmanuel Rodriguez. He is with us.Many years ago it was written that a child would be born, with the name Emmanuel, and he would go on to do great things for people, like invent the best holiday ever for giving presents and toys to kids. It has long been suspected that that man, who looked nothing like Willem Dafoe or Robert Powell, was a fraud. After last night, we know for sure he was.
Alex Rodriguez went 3-4 against the Tampa Rays last night, including two home runs, the first as majestic as the second was blistering, and the game-winning single in the eight inning. All told, he accounted for four of the runs in a 5-4 Yankees win and peace on earth. A-Rod now has 4 home runs in the young season, 658 for his career, and a seat at the right hand of the father.
A-Rod's first home run was estimated at 471 feet. 471. Four. Seventy-one. Seventy-one. Four. Psalm 71-4:
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And so it is plain to see; A-Rod performed a miracle last night when he answered that baseball's prayers, delivering him out of the wicked hand of Nathan Karns, and safely depositing it where the unrighteous and cruel had no access, the Captain Morgan Deck. It was a miracle that gives us hope, that despite the 87 different versions of "All I Want For Christmas," and the shitty gifts you've received from age 13 on, Christmas is still alive and well. We were just waiting for the One to reveal himself, and he finally did on April 17th, 2015 in the ugliest ballpark in America.Deliver me, O my God, out of the hand of the wicked, out of the hand of the unrighteous and cruel man.