I Slept With 20 Guys in a Year, And I’m Not Ashamed

This article originally appeared on VICE Netherlands.

Ask VICE is a series where readers ask VICE to solve their problems, from dealing with unrequited love to handling annoying flatmates. Today, we’re exploring why women who actively enjoy sex can find themselves labelled a “slut.”

Dear VICE,

As a teenager, I wasn’t interested in sex. While my girlfriends were obsessing over their first kisses, I was the girl who played with Bratz dolls and watched the Disney Channel. Boys annoyed me, and it’ll come as no surprise that I was a virgin when I started university. 

I spent the first three years focused on my studies, but something changed once I started my Master’s programme. I don’t think puberty really started for me till then, and maybe that’s why my hormones went a little haywire. I started by kissing different boys at a party and eventually began dating the guy I lost my virginity to. That is, until I realised pretty quickly that I didn’t want a relationship.

That same year, I had my first threesome, slept with men and women, and even attended a sex party out of sheer curiosity. During the final year of my studies, I think I slept with 20 guys. To me, that wasn’t a shockingly high amount.

My friends disagreed. They told me I was - and I quote - “the school slut”. My best friend even said she was worried about my mental health; she thinks the way I handle intimacy is indicative of a bigger problem. I felt so shocked and humiliated by their reaction that I completely shut down. I kept turning my best friend’s words over in my head: Maybe there really was something wrong with me?

Things calmed down after I graduated, but I still prefer purely physical relationships to anything serious. Sometimes, though, when a one-night stand has left my place in the morning, I wonder if I’m messing up my life. That feeling can haunt me for days.

Is there something wrong with me? What makes someone a slut?

T.

Dear T.,

Our experience of sex is both complex and personal. It is shaped, in part, by the way we were raised, our own preferences and the society we live in – which includes the company we keep. There is no golden rule that determines what a healthy sex life looks like. Even if such a thing existed, it definitely wouldn’t be based on your body count.

It is important to remember that everyone discovers and begins to understand their sexuality at their own pace. When it comes down to this, there is no normal or abnormal. Whether you sleep with a hundred people or no one at all, the only thing that matters is how sex makes you feel.

The fact you weren’t interested in sex as a teenager isn’t abnormal and is definitely not a reason to doubt yourself in adulthood. “With people who do start later, you’ll often see that things move a bit faster,” says Ingar Tempels, a sexologist at Amsterdam’s Sexology Center. “While a teenager might take three years to go from their first kiss to their first sexual experience, it makes sense for an adult to move through those stages more quickly. It’s important to discover your own sexuality in a way that makes sense to you and to enjoy that process.”

When it comes to thinking about how sex actually makes you feel, Tempels suggests asking yourself a few questions: How do you experience the sex you’re having? Do you enjoy it? Do you ever feel empty, dirty, or used after having sex? She says that if the latter is the case, you should take a moment to consider why you’re engaging in sexual activity: “Are you trying to fill a void? Are you lonely? Does it make you feel worthy? Are you craving other forms of intimacy?”

Tempels occasionally encounters people at the centre who use sex as a tool for validation. This maybe isn’t too wise, she says. “They don’t necessarily experience sex as something pleasurable,” she explains. “In reality, it is most enjoyable if you do it because you’re in the mood for it.”

Based on the letter you’ve sent us, validation doesn’t seem to be an issue for you right now. It’s clear that you like experimenting and feel comfortable doing it. In fact, you didn’t start questioning your relationship to sex until your friends began commenting on it.

It seems like you’re experiencing a kind of slutphobia – a fear of being considered slutty, brought on because of the shame and guilt women often experience as a result of having and acting on their sexual desires. If you feel like your friends’ opinions are the only things standing in your way, and you prefer having one-night stands, Tempels suggests you just enjoy them. You’re the only person who can judge how healthy or unhealthy your sex life is.

Perhaps your friends’ remarks have clouded your self-perception, which might make it harder to enjoy intimacy. What’s important to remember, Tempels thinks, is that other people’s opinions about your sex life are often based on their own toxic ideas about sexuality. Maybe they mean well, but their concerns could very well be rooted in prejudice.

She argues that this is in part because of the way men and women tend to receive different kinds of sex education. “If you’re a woman who has multiple sexual partners and enjoys experimenting with sex, you’re often warned about keeping your boundaries in check.” Boys, she says, “might just get handed a condom, and that’s it”.

When it comes to your question about what makes someone a slut, the only answer we can give is: You’re a slut only when you want to be, and only when it’s a word you choose to identify with because it has positive connotations for you. “Personally, I don’t like the judgement that’s associated with the word. I wouldn’t use it because of the framing that surrounds it,” says Tempels.

All too often, focusing only on a woman’s safety when it pertains to sex contributes to the notion that a sexually active woman is doing something wrong and that by actively enjoying a sex life, she’s liable to be slapped with a negative label. “Things are improving,” Tempels adds hopefully. “But your letter is proof that our society has a long way to go when it comes to female pleasure.”