I Went on The Jonathan Ross Show with Big Narstie Last Night

Okay, so I should say that I didn’t actually go on the show the Saturday night just gone. Come a little closer reader and let me gently whisper into your ear you a little high profile industry secret: a lot of TV chat shows are not filmed live. They are usually acted out behind closed doors on a prior weeknight in a little television studio somewhere. A bit like the moon landing. And much like the moon landing, all eyes at the filming of the latest Jonathan Ross show (well, mine, anyway) were on the steps of one individual in particular.

No, it wasn’t tonight’s special guest Johnny Vegas, or Jonathan 'Wossy' Ross himself, or the person from Call the Midwife which I do not watch. As you may have seen for yourself last night, it was grime daddy, #base guru and Noisey Man of the Year 2013, Big Narstie, who was on to perform “When the Bassline Drops” alongside Craig David. Yeah, so incase you were out drinking on Saturday, that’s right: Big Narstie was on The Jonathan Ross Show. And he invited me to go along with him as a 'special guest' (I'm pretty sure I was not supposed to be there), and watch old Uncle Pain merk an entire nation of primetime ITV viewers.

Weirdly, it did feel like quite a huge moment. Sure, your Aunty Sue was unlikely to watch the show, decide she thinks “Big Narstie is rather lovely”, buy herself a Base Defence League t shirt, and start finishing sentences by just saying “Bentekkers, mm, yeah”, but getting the rapper all up in your tea-time telly schedule is another stark reminder of just how big grime is getting. I mean, BBC presenter Dan Walker described the weather as, "Hashtag merky" on Football Focus this weekend.

All that said, when Narstie actually showed up to meet me on set he looked a bit worse for wear, having been out last night at Craig David’s London headline show. “Night was wild, so wild,” he grimaced, pulling a towel across his face until I couldn't really see him anymore. We got ourselves checked in at reception, and as we’re led up to his dressing room, he is uncharacteristically quiet. I ask how he’s feeling and he replies, “Nervous fam.”

Half an hour later, he'd found a toilet – something last night’s hangover had made a red alert priority – and was feeling, “Much better!” We stepped outside for a smoke before filming started, and discussed the finer details of the evening. Beginning with who tonight’s chat show host is.

Me: It's Jonathan Ross, Narstie. Have you not seen the show?
Narstie: I thought we were going on Jools Holland?
Me: Nah, Jonathan Ross.
Narstie: What happened to Jools Holland?
Me: Nothing, but, listen… this isn’t Jools Holland, this is Jonathan Ross.
Narstie: Who’s that?
Me: Talkshow host, says his R’s like W’s, used to be on BBC, now on ITV. What does he look like?
[At this point we show Narstie a picture of Jonathan Ross on our phone]
Narstie: Oh. That’s not Jools Holland.

Once we’d cleared that up, it was time for rehearsals. Craig was all ready to go and warming up his vocal chords – side note, the man’s voice sounds like strawberries and cream when you hear it live, even when he’s just singing a few practice rounds it’s like the hair of a beautiful Disney princess in musical form – which just left Narstie to get his ear piece. The ear piece – for the uninitiated among who may not have ever hung out with Big Narstie on The Jonathan Ross Show – is so that the vocalists can hear the backing track more clearly. It’s not quite spitting bars into your headphones.

“I can’t get used to this, cuz,” Narstie muttered. “It’s like when I’m in the bath, and my head is underwater, and I’m singing Celine Dion. That’s what this sounds like.” After one run-through Narstie’s ear piece fell out completely and ended up dangling between his legs. Luckily he had a performer on hand with years of experience under his belt, so it was up to Craig to patiently re-fit the whole thing round his ears. Personally, I was surprised to find the image of Craig David stuffing something into Big Narstie’s ear so touching, but then again, it was a day of new experiences. At this point Narstie span around, “AY! Is that Jonathan Ross? Hello Jonathan!” It was a runner called Matt.

By the fourth run of “Bassline” they’d got it down to a tee. Despite it only being a rehearsal, it was already becoming clear just how gassed Narstie was to be shouting “BDL” into TV cameras and at a fairly large section of British society. His only concern was his lips. “Do they look dry?” he shouted at all of us sitting behind the lens. We assured him they looked great, but if he was still worried, it was a problem. He was off into make up.

His break in the make-up chair was short lived, as he assured everyone he was, “So sexy already” that there was nothing they could do. He told me he’d met Johnny Vegas, also a guest on the show, in the make-up room. “I couldn’t believe it was him,” he said, choking on his laughter. “I said to him, ‘Cup of tea monkey?’ PG tips, init.” It was at this point, in the closing hour before recording started, that Jonathan Ross, this time the actual Jonathan Ross, poked his head round the door to say hello. “Mr Narstie, hello,” he said as the two shook hands. “And this must be little white Narstie,” he said looking at me. I scowled back like a vampire peering sunlight.

Big Narstie on The Jonathan Ross Show! https://t.co/52IWjp2EAc

— SBTV (@SBTVonline)

January 30, 2016

With that the show began and we sat down in a green room to watch Big Narstie conquer the world. Well, middle England at least. Spread out in the green room, shouting “Warrior! Warrior!” back at Jonathan Ross’ attempts to engage him in a bit of pre-guest banter. The transition was complete, from SBTV to ITV. Because that’s the important thing to remember here. As Narstie said to me in a quiet moment earlier in the evening, “You know what’s the maddest thing? I haven’t changed anything. It’s the same shit I’ve always done, same bars, same realness. But now, everyone’s coming to us.”

Last night, I sat and watched the show, watched Big Narstie shout "Big Narstie all over your neeeeuuuurgh!" into the camera, and gave myself a knowing smile. Uncle Pain was on my primetime TV screen and he hadn't changed a bit to get on. What a time to be alive!

“It’s not filmed live, you know?” I said to my flatmate, hoping he would ask how I knew. He ignored me.

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