Help! I’m Sexually Attracted to My New Smart Air Conditioner

I try not to be too particular about anything for fear of being labeled “high maintenance,” but the one thing I will absolutely not budge on is air conditioning. For one, I cannot sleep if I am hot. I will just lay awake remembering times I felt cool and thinking about how beads of sweat are slowly rolling down my back. It’s the worst. Secondly, I have a dog, so when I leave the house, he often stays home and needs a cool place to chill just as much as I do. But do I really need to explain myself? The last time I camped at a festival, it was Bonaroo in 2011; I woke up sweat-drenched and absolutely miserable from the heat and vowed to never do it again. So you’d best believe that my energy bills skyrocket in the summer because I do not have central air and I will be blasting my in-window air conditioner 24/7. 

The only problem is that my old A/C unit kind of sucked. My biggest complaints about the beat-up Haier unit were that even though the dials on the unit would try to tell you otherwise, it basically had two speeds—“not cold enough,” and “arctic tundra.” The coolness settings are more a suggestion of a vibe—the scale runs from one (“MIN COOL”) to 10 (“MAX COOL”) (I know there’s a Spinal Tap reference in there somewhere) but levels three through nine are just there for aesthetics. There are other problems, too; it’s gargantuan, made of pointy metal and plastic that turns yellow as soon as you put it in the window, and all of this is to say, it’s dead to me. I will never again begrudgingly try to maneuver that hunk of junk (that definitely caused a few summer colds and made hideous noises) into my apartment window. It gave me some giant gashes on my shins as a parting gift as I kicked it to the curb. Allow me to introduce my hot new summer fling: The Windmill 3.0. 

Don’t get me wrong—I wasn’t so unhappy with my last A/C that I would've gone out of my way to replace it (I’m cheap, and technically, it was still spitting out cold air). I did find myself lusting after strangers' aesthetic air-con units more and more over time—I’d been noticing this past year or two that every apartment in the West Village had either a Windmill or July unit dangling from its pre-war windows. Now that I’ve got my hands on a fancy A/C of my own and know what luxury feels and *sounds* like, I can never again settle for less. 

I was lucky enough to receive the Windmill 3.0 to review, which is the brand’s latest version, launched in May, of its “super sexy” window A/C units that are designed to be as aesthetically pleasing as they are functional, which is to say, very. The newest iteration is equipped with an even quieter performance than previous models, interchangeable color grills, and a new 10,000 BTU size (Windmill’s largest yet)

Installation was incredibly easy. The box comes with everything you need (including a snazzy pair of branded scissors—score) to not only secure your unit in your window but also to make it blend in as seamlessly as possible with foam insulation for proper fit and cosmetic panels that are easy to adjust and snap into place. The only thing you’ll have to have on hand is a screwdriver. 

Shoutout to my incredible delivery person, who I thought was meant to install the unit for me (because I’m delusional); that wasn’t the deal, but he made sure I could get it into the window myself before he left (and, I couldn’t—so he helped). Windmill suggests enlisting a buddy to fit your air conditioner into place, which is definitely the way to go unless you are really confident in your upper body strength. But aside from getting it in the window, it is basically ready to go once you plug it in. Even though it has a remote and a downloadable app, you can also control the unit directly on the front of the device (thank god), so you can start cooling down your room immediately. 

After spending the last few summers with a window unit that made more noise than an idling UPS truck, I was honestly flabbergasted by how quiet the Windmill 3.0 is. The latest iteration features “WhisperTech,” a new “energy-efficient core that combines advanced inverter technology with an ultra-quiet fan,” according to the brand. When on full blast, it sounds like the slight hum of a fan in the background, and the brand tells us that its models are “nine times quieter than legacy, non-inverter A/Cs of the same size.” As someone who is very sensitive to sounds, I envisioned a Windmill god (or someone) coming out of the sky and putting invisible noise-canceling headphones over my ears. Finally, peace. 

This brings me to my next favorite detail—the deliciously subtle display that completely disappears—leaving no lingering lights that stay on all night and disrupt your sleep. The digital display only reads for a few seconds when you turn it on or make a change to your settings. 

I am in love with the accompanying app, and how it gives me a thermostat read, eco-settings, and the ability to set up automation—which is great if your dog gets dropped off at your apartment at 6 and you want to make sure the place is their preferred 73 degrees when they arrive without having to change your social plans. I know “the Internet of things” is nothing new, but I’m not the type to have everything in my apartment connected and triggered by voice commands, so the idea that I could turn my air conditioning on 10 minutes before getting home and arrive to a chilled oasis instead of a humid hell-hole is earth-shattering. Windmill also comes with a QR code to scan directly on its interchangeable front panel, which also easily pops off to change the filter or swap in one of the brand’s *~aesthetic~* color options. 

The Windmill AC will likely save you money and electricity over time as well, not only because of its eco-friendly settings and the ability to track your usage over time but also because the brand uses a more eco-friendly refrigerant, known as (R32) which has  68% less global warming potential than what’s commonly used, which is something called 410A. Look, I’m no scientist, but that sounds like a big plus for your electricity bill if not the Earth. Additionally, if you enroll in eco rewards on the app, Windmill will reduce your A/C's power at times of peak demand, and you can earn up to $60 in rewards per year per unit. 

Last, but certainly not least, I love that the fan points upward, which means that even if it's located mere inches from your head while you’re in bed, you’re not gonna wake up with a scratchy throat from frosty air billowing into your face all night. The whole room gets cool, air circulates better, and there tend to be fewer weird hot spots in the room. While I did opt for the largest unit, which will cost you a pretty $579 (currently on sale for $549), it is capable of keeping my entire 450-square-foot apartment at an even, cool temperature, without getting too cold, and while barely making a sound. 

If I had to find one drawback, the only thing that might hold you back from procuring “the iPhone of air conditioners” (as it was dubbed by Forbes) is if you have windows that are not compatible. Make sure to check before ordering, or you might be in for a lot of tape, foam, and frustration.

Honestly, the Windmill AC has been a massive game-changer with tons of feature upgrades compared to my previous unit—I regret that I didn’t own one sooner. I’m serious—I have nothing to complain about, which is rare for me. 

Stay cool.

The Windmill 3.0 is available at Windmill, Wayfair, and Amazon.

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