What Do You Owe Someone When Your Relationship Ends?

“You don’t owe them shit” seems to be the general attitude towards exes these days. Baddies regurgitate the idea on Instagram, as if self worth is defined by ignoring other people's emotions, and guys mumble to each other over beers in support of the idea that it’s every man for himself. 

There are situations where there’s some truth to the notion. If someone has cheated on you, lied to you or engaged in abusive tactics, then it's fair for the respect you had for your ex-partner to have flown out the window. But in a normal, safe break-up (which doesn’t mean the relationship wasn’t shit in its own ways, and might even have been harmful) you should try your best to not just cast someone aside.

It might feel like the easiest option to trash talk someone, and you might make the choice to ignore them completely so you don’t have to deal with the messy emotions that come from a break-up. But think about it this way: if the shoe were on the other foot, how would you feel?

If your ex was posting videos making out with someone days after you broke-up, or wouldn’t reply to a single text asking to talk, you’d probably take it pretty hard. 

We’re not saying you can’t be mad, or cut up, or frustrated when a relationship ends – just remember that we’re all silly little people making mistakes and trying to figure life out. 

So, within the context of a safe relationship, what are the “do’s” and ‘“don’ts” of what you owe an ex? 

You don’t owe them sex.

Any pressure someone is putting on you to have break-up sex, or to hook up as exes, is not okay. Culturally, we’ve indulged in this idea that sex with an ex is a normal, if not the most exhilarating, part of a relationship ending. But it shouldn’t be an expectation from either end. 

Relationship counsellor Laressa Donaldson told VICE that even if the relationship is over “there’s nothing wrong with having sex if you both want to’.”

“Just beware of sending confusing messages or that it may raise emotional issues that could get in the way of breaking up.” 

You don’t owe them your time.

We’re not saying you don’t owe them any time (and we’ll get to this later), but you sure don’t need to remain the number one priority on your ex's social calendar. 

It can be easy to keep hanging out with an ex because they’re who you’re used to spending time with, especially when a relationship doesn’t end spectacularly badly. But if someone’s putting the pressure on you to keep spending time with them, put your foot down and make sure you’re getting the space you need. 

And it’s not just hanging out in person. There’s also time spent messaging, talking on the phone or just generally dealing with and thinking about them. 

 You don’t owe it to them to abide by their demands. 

If an ex is making weird specific rules (you can’t hang out at X bar, you can’t see X friend), it’s 100% not on you to abide by them. 

It doesn’t always come from a place of malice — sometimes people make out the gate demands like this because they’re anxious and uncomfortable about co-existing while you’re both single. 

It also doesn’t mean you can completely ignore their emotional needs. As Donaldson told VICE, adjustments to your normal routine can be important.

“The reality is that people share friendships and communities, even workplaces,” she said.

“This means that you may need to consider pulling back for a while from being in environments where you are likely to meet.” Ideally, you can negotiate these kinds of shared connections. 

If you're in a situation to have a conversation about how to healthily navigate sharing the same friends and spaces then that’s ideal — but someone shouldn’t be trying to dictate how you go about your own business now that your relationship is over. And you shouldn’t let their rules stop you from living your own life. 

You don’t owe them endless apologies 

Maybe you messed-up, or were the one to end things, but once you’ve genuinely apologised and you understand what was done wrong it's not right for an ex to be constantly demanding that you make it up to them or apologise over and over. 

“Giving time to discussing face-to-face the reasons for the break-up and even celebrating the good things from a relationship that’s ending can be respectful and help with healing,” said Donaldson.

“But space and time is also a healer though so if you feel you have said what you need to and want to move on then there is no obligation to stay in touch.”  

The same goes for explanations. Explaining yourself once is important, but you don’t owe it to someone to go over your situation and your reasons for the relationship faltering every time you have a conversation.

If someone is asking you for details about your current life/feelings/partners, you don’t have to tell them anything unless it directly affects them (say you’re dating their sister… which we hope you're not).

Sometimes, too much information ends up hurting the person who asked for it, and it's best for everyone to make it clear that your privacy isn’t up for debate. 

You do owe them basic respect. 

It’s the most obvious, but sometimes hardest “do” to abide by. Just have some respect for the fact that your ex is a real person, too.

As Donaldson told VICE, “be brave and have the hard conversation. Break-up in person not by text or ghosting. Be honest and apologise if you need to.”

And when it comes to the aftermath, don’t go around sharing things you shouldn’t about them. Don’t try to embarrass them on purpose. Don’t rub it in their face that you’re moving on. It’s not that you can’t keep doing you, but they definitely don’t want to see your beach-bound thirst traps or Snap stories of you sloppily locking lips with someone else, so think about whether or not it’ll reach them and why you’re really posting it before you put that stuff online. 

They’re your ex, which means you liked them once. You don’t need to constantly disrespect them to feel empowered. 

You do owe an explanation.

Although re-hashing old arguments constantly isn’t what anyone needs, you owe it to your ex to explain yourself honestly about why the relationship ended if they ask. But just once. 

It’s cruel to let someone simmer in anxiety and confusion if they don’t understand why they’ve been broken up with. Be clear and get the truth out in the open so no one is left wondering what really went down. If, after that, they keep hounding you for more, you can walk away knowing you’ve done the right thing. 

You do owe it to them to deal with the logistics. 

There’s no getting around this, if there are practical issues that have been left up in the air now you’ve split up, you absolutely need to resolve them. If you owe them money, pay it back. If you’re moving out, finish your rent and don’t leave them in the lurch. If you own a pet, don’t just expect that it’s yours. 

You need to figure out the logistics and make sure you’re not bailing on responsibilities that leave someone else in the shit because you’re careless or feeling pissed at them.

You do owe them some understanding 

Similar to showing basic respect, being understanding of their feelings takes effort, but is important to closing things out on a good note. 

Sometimes, people's behaviour is incredibly confusing, especially if you’re not on the same page to start with, but that doesn’t mean that people who act differently to you are inherently wrong. An issue that comes up a lot in contemporary break-ups is blocking them on socials – everyone seems to have a different opinion – and people can take it hard. But, according to Donaldson, “blocking on social media can be a way of creating space and privacy while you’re moving on”. It’s not something you need to feel pissed about. 

If someone blocks you, understand that seeing your social media everywhere might be hard for your ex. If they change up who they’re spending their time with, don’t act as if that’s an insult to the time you had together. If they don’t say “hi” to you when you catch sight of each other, don’t take it personally – people are awkward and panicked and often don’t know how to act in these situations. 

Assuming malice won’t help either of you. It’s time to challenge yourself to think the best of people and not the worst. And remember, you can own the way you’re feeling without criticising the way your ex is handling it. 

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

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Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa.