BONES SHRUGS AND HARMONY

I was on a train to Kutn’a Hora, a small village 70 kilometers outside of Prague, to see the Sedlec Ossuary, a Roman Catholic church painstakingly decorated with the bones of over 40,000 plague victims. Also known as The Church of Bones, it was built somewhere around the year 1400 on a massive burial ground and transformed into its current state in 1870 by Czech woodcarver Frantisek Rint. I’m not too familiar with the man’s woodcarvings, but based solely on this effort, I’m going to go out on a limb and say he was a fucking weirdo.

Now, a 140 year old freak show/art piece should have served as a reasonable foundation for an article, but sitting alone in my six-seater carriage, I started to wonder if a visible mass grave inside an old church would be ironic enough for you bloodsuckers. Then, like a late season episode of Scooby-Doo, in walks Dillinger Escape Plan. Well, three out of five of them anyway; as well as their tour crew and various applicable girlfriends. When I asked them where they were going, Jessica, their (gorgeous) tour manager, said “We are going to the Church of Bone-ing in Cunt-ina Whora.”

Historical appreciation ensued…

Vice: So boys, what did you think of that spooky old bone church?
Ben: What was interesting to me was that it didn’t seem morbid. To me all the skulls were presented like crowns. It didn’t seem disrespectful at all. It’s like we’re honoring the people who died, but this place is for the dead themselves. It’s like a shrine to them.
Liam: As beautiful as the churches in Europe are, it always makes me sick to think of all the money in them. And all the people who died to build the church and make that money. So many lives sacrificed in the name of something supernatural. Religion is supposed to be a support system for when you die, but of all the churches I’ve been to, that was the only one that makes you confront death.

All churches have a dead guy in them though… on the wall. Behind the guy. Right?
Ben: For some reason the big crucifix in that church is creepier than all the bones.

In the west we have this weird hang-up about human remains and touching them or even making chandeliers out of them. This church don’t play that, you feel me?
Ben: I feel you. Personally, I don’t believe in the afterlife. I’d rather someone made something beautiful out of my bones instead of burying them in the ground! If the lawnmower breaks--make something cool out of it.

Billy, you’ve been pretty quiet. Do you have a punchline for us?
Billy: It’s something I will probably absorb later, but right now I’m so hungry that walking into a McDonald's would be a more religious experience. Boom! Fuhgeddaboudit.

ZERO SELON