From Swiping Right to True Love: How to Navigate App-Based Dating

This solid piece of lurve advice is brought to you by the #NewNormal, O2's mission to question, explore and understand how mobile is changing the way we act and interact as humans. Read more #NewNormal stories here.

Unless you live on an Amish commune, or you met your significant other in a real life scenario (what?! Weird!), you've probably given mobile dating a whirl. Back in the pre-smartphone age, searching for love in the digital realm meant questionnaires, subscription fees, and the vast majority of the offline world assuming you were some sort of Juggalo serial killer.

But now that the act of mobile dating is no harder than liking a post on Facebook, everyone's at it. It's casual, it's easy, and it's actually fun. As it is, dating apps have opened up a world of free love, stolen kisses, and expensive bar tabs that will never be returned in kind.

But this ubiquity comes with its own set of problems. Now that there's so much competition, your profile will be right-swipe kryptonite unless it really stands out. And now that so many people are meeting based on little more than looks alone, a lot of dates are as awkward as bumping into your old primary school teacher at the local GUM clinic.

Does this sound like you? Well fear not. If your sorry soul has been unlucky in the domain of digital love, then this guide will steer you on the path to success. And if it doesn't, then maybe it's a sign that you should just ask out the colleague who you've secretly had a crush on for the past three years.

But first, let's nail down the basics. Starting with your profile.

The Profile

Face it. Your pictures are the most important part of your dating profile. They are the first thing anyone sees, and 99% of people will decide whether or not they want to smush their body against yours just from looking at your photos.

However, this should not make you worried. You don't need to look like a model to ensure a right-swipe. There are plenty of other photos that will make you look like a fun, normal, attractive person, even if you are none of those things (kidding! You definitely are <3). If you need some inspo for your pics, think of a time when someone's flirted with you at a bar or club - what were you doing then? Were you topless? Were you holding a cat? Were you trying to give the impression that you were a jet-setting player with a collection of exotic pets and recreational vehicles? Of course not! You were just being an engaging human person. This mindset should serve as the basis for your visuals. But before we get to those, let's run-through the no-nos of dating profile pics.

●You cuddling a sedated tiger in a foreign land

●You riding an elephant in a foreign land

●You exposing your abs

●You sitting in your 'awesome' car

●You in a series of selfies

I shouldn't have to explain any of these. If you can't see why no one cares about your ability to go on holiday, buy stuff, and take pictures of yourself in the toilet, then perhaps you don't deserve to find love yet. Sorry.

Now back to the pictures that you should upload. Remember - 'engaging human'. As long as you post photos that prove you have interests, friends, and reasons to leave the house besides to visit foreign lands to pose with tigers and/or elephants, then prospective lovers will see that you're a well-rounded, sociable person who knows how to have fun. Sound like you? Of course it does!

Next up, let's discuss your profile description. Make it original and, if you can, reasonably amusing. I have a friend whose description reads, "Like Speed 2 but with a bus instead of a boat." He rarely gets any dates, but we laugh every single time he mentions it, so there must be a lucky lady who will one day laugh too.

On the other hand, don't be boring. Saying you like 'travel' and 'drinking wine on fridays xoxo' basically translates to 'I like being alive' in normal speak. Be different guys, no one's going to sleep with you because you're a fan of holidays.

Swiping

Ever since the popular dating apps realised the need to monetize their product, they've really clamped down on the male technique of 'right swipe until finger cramps up, swap hands, right swipe some more.' These days, even men have to be selective in their swiping, lest they subject themselves to paying for an app, heaven forbid.

And for the love of God, never do this. You're probably going to spend a fair amount of cash on booze so you can get through all those awkward dates, so lumping £12.99 a month on top of this is the last thing your wallet needs. Plus, paying for the app will really make you feel like an online dater of yore AKA a basement dwelling celibate with a vitamin D deficiency and an extensive collection of pornography on VHS.

So guys, just keep swiping right, even if you know your 'likes' will be locked down after one too many. When you reach the point where the app says you have to wait 12 hours before you can go again, use that time to your advantage. Maybe learn French or something. Dunno.

As for the ladies out there, seeing as all men have probably right-swiped on you already, you can be more picky. And why not message first? You're more likely to get a genuine feel for a guy who's not hung up on some some shitty opener. Speaking of which…

The Opening Gambit

Once you've matched, the next thing to do is message. This is a tricky one. A lot of people think that a simple 'how are you?' is impossibly boring. However, an original, quirky salutation can be even worse. After all, it's far easier for someone to tell you how their day's been than to let you know, say, what kind of Pokemon they are.

The smart thing to do is to take a cue from their pictures or description. It shows you've paid attention and totally haven't indiscriminately right-swiped until you got carpel-tunnel. For example: "Hey! Are you at [insert popular location in photo] in your second pic? I was just there the other day. Did you try out [insert alternative popular location nearby]? That place does the best frozen margaritas!"

It might not work, but at least it suggests you (sort of) have something in common and a social life outside of your phone. And who knows? Maybe he/she will reply with the "LOL, no! Maybe you should take me there?"

If after reading this you're thinking, 'hey. Isn't better to lead off with something a bit more risque?' then please go lob your phone in the nearest river. If you wouldn't say it IRL then don't say it on an app.

Meeting Up

One of the hardest things about dating apps is actually meeting your match IRL. Plenty of fruitful opening gambits can fizzle out after a few back and forths. All you can do is try to develop a rapport as soon as possible: Think corny inside jokes, questions about the awful person at work they mentioned that time, banter about mutual friends (if you have any). After that it's best to just ask them out. And make sure you try to meet on a weekday. No one wants to think you've got no plans for the weekend.

The Date

Your palms feel clammy as you nervously check your phone. They're 15 minutes late. Your heart is beating so fast it might jump up your throat and block your airway. They're 17 minutes late. Are they going to show at all? Your stomach has twisted itself into a little knot.

Get it together mate. This isn't the 80s, no one stands people up anymore. What do you think this is? Prom? Remember, all you're doing is meeting + talking to another human being, something you've probably done everyday of your entire life. Just talk about things you like, things you've done, things you want to do. If you've got any weird hobbies like Falconry or collecting WW2 memorabilia, maybe keep those to yourself, but otherwise speak of your interests with zeal. Find out what they're into and be super psyched about it too. Whatever you do, don't stop talking. If you even have to make a few gags about the stupid selection of chairs in the bouji cocktail bar you've chosen, go for it. Much like the radio, dead air on a date is a crime.

All of this may sound obvious, but seeing as the person opposite knows you as little more than a stranger from the internet, zany, unexpected, 'out there' talking points are not your friend. Sure, you can wow them with the triangle you made out of an empty packet of crisps, or try the gimmicky ice-breaker you read about on that edgy forum, but there's a firm chance it will paint you as a weirdo, or worse, a conniving pick-up artist type. You know, like those creepy guys who wear jeans with dress shoes and never ever ever ever get laid.

If all goes well, you might even realise that they hate the same things as you, which is the real sign of true love. Once that happens you'll be sloppily making out at the bus stop in no time.

True Love

Some say there's a person out there for everyone. If that's actually true, there's a high chance that said person will be found on a dating app. If this happens to you (which it will if you carefully read the above), then here's what to do next.

Your heart sings every time you hear their voice. Your stomach flutters whenever you see them. Just knowing that they're here for you has tied the tangled threads running through your life into neat little bows. Better yet, they probably feel the same way about you. As such, it's probably wise to avoid a cheeky right-swipe sesh for old time's sake.

If things are serious, delete the apps on your phone. Be a stand up guy and detox from mobile dating when you're planning on actually dating someone for a long time. Doing so says "I am committed to this person - but not in a weird fundamentally religious way." Look, it's not as if you're marrying them, but it does show you have no interest in having sex with other randomers from the internet. For now.

That's the best thing about these apps. If it doesn't work out with the first person you deleted them for, you can just download them again.

It's totally normal. Everyone does it. And you still won't have to pay.

Find out more about the #NewNormal right here.

Text by Jack Blocker