Ladies and gentlemen: the greatest of all sporting tournaments starts this weekend. I speak not of "March Madness" or whatever they call that biscuitman tournament. College boys going at each other with a medium-sized orange ball is hardly sport in the shade of the…

Despite an admittedly deceptive name, this is the first TOM in the recorded history of mankind, so I will afford a brief primer on the proceedings.

WHAT IS IT?

Every 50,000 years, the world's 32 most powerful mountains, as chosen by a committee of the four oceans, compete in a brutal, no-holds-barred fighting tournament in a ring in the middle of one of the oceans. This year's tournament is taking it BACK TO THE ATLANTIC, the site of K2's controversial victory against McKinley in 197,985 BCE.

MOUNTAINS AND OCEANS ARE SENTIENT?

Of course! Mountains are the Living Goddesses of Rock, Lava, Wind, and Ice. Oceans are the Gods of Water, Salt, Canyons, and Sand/Silt. Have you even been paying attention?!

WHY AREN'T OCEANS THE GODS OF WAVES?

The moon is obviously the God of Waves. Also: Floating, Craters, and Optimism.

WHY DOES THIS TOURNAMENT HAPPEN?

The winner is named QUEEN OF THE MOUNTAINS. What this honorific means is a matter of vigorous debate among MountainFight commentators. Most mainstream commentators believe the winner is afforded the ability to subtly change the shape and character of the world. More on this later.

WHAT ARE THE RULES?

Excellent question! This is what makes mountain-fighting so wonderful: There are none! Punches, kicks, submissions, lava blasts, homemade swords, majicks of many shapes and characteristics, ToM truly has it all.

WAIT, MOUNTAINS ARE GOING TO MOVE!? I LIVE NEAR A MOUNTAIN! WHAT SHOULD I DO!?

Don't worry about it.

But…

I SAID DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I mean, keep your kids away from the open pit that forms (Yellow CAUTION tape is a MUST for a task like this) but just don't worry about it. Chill out.

WHO IS THE TOURNAMENT'S REIGNING CHAMPION?

Vinson Masif, the tallest mountain in Antarctica.

WHO IS FIGHTING IN THE TOURNAMENT THIS YEAR?

Mountains are slotted into four regions. Those divisions, sorted by strength of competition, are: The East Asia Region, The Americas Region, The Africa/Oceania Region, and The Europe/West Asia region, which is a pathetic region propped up by nostalgia that should frankly be disbanded.

THE EAST ASIA REGION

Encompassing The Himalayas, China, India and Japan, the East Asia Region is a brutal gauntlet. A contender from pathetic, barely-even-lumpy Europe wouldn't even qualify in East Asia. Asian Mountain Fighters are big, fast, and completely lacking in any semblance of fairness or sportsmanship.

FIRST SEED: K2

The Himalayan legend and the tournament favorite, K2 is big, smart, powerful and ruthless. Winner of a record eight previous ToMs.

STRENGTHS: In addition to K2's extraordinary size and power, the last 50,000 years have given this master of mountain fighting a new dimension: the copious human deaths on K2's mountain-face—one in every four people to attempt the summit have died—has given K2 access to black, soul devouring blood majicks. Totally ruthless: pursues any edge, no matter how unsportsmanlike.

WEAKNESS: K2 is light on its feet for an eight-thousander, but still pretty slow in the grand scheme of mountains fighting. A matchup with Damavand in the final could be problematic. Did lose to Vinson Masif by a pretty wide margin last time out. Is also genuinely evil.

EIGHTH SEED: NANGA PARBAT

The world's eighth tallest peak, the Pride of Pakistan has never won a tournament, but she made a surprise run to the quarterfinals in the 21st ToM.

STRENGTHS: Large and wide. Has a powerful right punch. Has killed some human beings. Would certainly compete in one of the lesser regions…

WEAKNESSES: …but this is East Asia, and Nanga has drawn K2, a competitor superior to her in every conceivable way. There is some debate as to whether or not she has the savvy to really access the power that killing a man gives a mountain.

FOURTH SEED: KANGCHENJUNGA

The highest point in India. A sedate, meditative competitor who fights for enlightenment before victory. Won the 35th ToM, ushering in an era of PoE (Peace on Earth.) K2's natural rival.

STRENGTHS: Emotionally resilient, will not break in the face of evil. Has technically never been summited by human beings, on account of an agreement with the Chogyal. An object of human worship, Kangchenjunga might be empowered with a deep holy strength that some claim is truly stronger than the blood majicks killer mountains employ. Kangchenjunga's advantages may be underrated; ToM observers characteristically underrate the power of holiness.

WEAKNESSES: Morally opposed to using majicks in mountain fights, which puts it at a practical disadvantage. Not fast. Lacks K2's ruthless competitive intangibles.

FIFTH SEED: GANGKHAR PUENSUM

The highest point in Bhutan and the world's highest unclimbed mountain, Gangkhar Puensum has been talking a big game in the run-up to the tournament. "I'M THE ONLY REAL MOUNTAIN IN THE TOURNAMENT! ALL THESE OTHER OTHER FUCKERS ARE SLAVES TO HUMAN BEINGS! UNBROKEN!" Has even printed T-shirts.

STRENGTHS: There is a general agreement amongst ToM scholars and fans that being free of man's dominance gives Gangkhar Puensum an advantage…

WEAKNESSES: …but the extent of that advantage is undetermined. The fact of the matter is that Gangkhar Puensum has never won a ToM, or even won a second round battle. In this commentator's opinion, Gangkhar has been overseeded on hype and will be easily dispatched by the more experienced, reliable Kangchenjunga.

THIRD SEED: CHO OYU

"The Turquoise Goddess" is a cerebral competitor who relies on her complete mastery of Ice Majicks. Winner of the 12th and 23rd ToMs, but some scholars have speculated that Cho Oyu was a dominant force in the early mountain wars the ToM replaced. Mountain Fight scholars generally agree the holocene happened under Cho Oyu's dominance of the planet.

STRENGTHS: When it comes to ice, she's unmatched. WIll attempt to freeze her opponent early, deliver a series of quick blows, and win.

WEAKNESSES: Not equipped for long fights. Almost completely useless at the mercy of active volcanos. Has been thoroughly dominated by human beings.

SIXTH SEED: EVEREST

Everest, Everest, Everest. Everest is a sad, sad mountain. The winner of the first five ToMs used all of the power that title granted her to get bigger and bigger and bigger. What she didn't predict was that her dominance as a power puncher would be completely neutralized when the rest of the world's mountains figured out how to utilize speed and majicks. A tragic tale of hubris.

STRENGTHS: When that big punch lands, it can still wreck anything. Everest blindly swung her way into the Final Four of the 39th ToM, and there's no reason to think it might not happen again.

WEAKNESS: Slow, slow, slow. Majicks illiterate. Is literally covered in human shit. Completely undignified, selfish and crass. Not built to win; frequently cries in the middle of fights. Reliably overseeded for nostalgia and marketing reasons.

SECOND SEED: JENGISH CHOKUSU

The winner of the 15th, 23rd, and 39th ToM. Has faced K2 in 20 East Asia Region Finals and won eight. They try to act professional, but everyone in the industry knows how deep these rivals' hatreds burn.

STRENGTHS: Staminant and defensive. Jengish Chokusu will extend a fight in any way she can, preferring to slowly wear down her opponents. Watching her trick K2—normally a vicious, clear-headed fighter—into beating herself is one of nature's great sights, up there with the sun setting over the ocean and the plumage of the peacock.

WEAKNESSES: Slower. Needs to take a lot of punishment to execute her plan; even when she makes the Final Four, she is often too tired to really compete against what should be inferior competition.

SEVENTH SEED: MOUNT FUJI

An active volcano, Fuji is one of the tournament's most entertaining fighters, a showman's showman and a fan favorite, but she has never won the big one.

STRENGTHS: Lava is a powerful tool that makes a lot of cool colors and brutalizes any mountains that rely on ice powers. Light on her feet, the fastest mountain in East Asia.

WEAKNESSES: Absolutely cannot take a punch. Showboats. Utilizes a novelty fighting style. Would probably cover the Earth in lava if she won, which might be good for the Earth but would be very bad for humans. So that may influence your rooting a bit.

AMERICAS REGION

The Americas region is marked by a noble dignity. Strong, stoic mountains for whom the art and science of mountain fighting is a true religion.

FIRST SEED: MOUNT MCKINLEY

The Americas' winningest (and tallest) mountain, McKinley is a smart, aggressive fighter with a strong sense of fair play. Once an innovator in the field of Ice Majicks, now more of a purely physical fighter. Won the 5th, 14th, 34th, and 35th ToMs.

STRENGTHS: Large, strong, and taciturn, McKinley is a true professional. Inarguably the greatest tactician amongst mountains with elite strength. Once tricked Popocatépetl into burying herself in a pile of her own lava.

WEAKNESSES: Two words: K. 2. In more than two million years of competition, McKinley has never beat K2 in a fight*. K2 is bigger than McKinley, completely undaunted by her intellect, and significantly faster. McKinley can only hope one of the other East Asian mountains deals with Big K first.

*It's worth noting that K2's approach to beating McKinley hasn't always been… sporting. In their last confrontation, the finals of the 38th Tournament in the Arctic Ocean, McKinley was working at an advantage until she twisted her leg on a suddenly appearing lava tube. The more active-minded amongst tournament observers suspect that K2 paid off a local lava tube to create the obstacle and guarantee victory. The Committee of Oceans swear that this was not the case, that every tournament victory is 100% legitimate. But if that's the case, then why did they found a new anti-corruption committee not 27,233 years after the incident?

EIGHTH SEED: HUASCARAN

This is Huascarán's fifth appearance in the tournament. She has never won a round.

STRENGTHS: Tremendous work ethic. Stays in shape, ready to answer the call and give a good effort. Rumors that she spent the offseason developing her majicks

WEAKNESSES: Not strong, fast, or particularly aware of her surroundings.

FOURTH SEED: MOUNT LOGAN

The Pride of Canada, Logan won the 14th Tournament of Mountains after a legendary final battle with K2. K was about to deliver the final blow and claim yet another title, when, all of a sudden a blast of ice froze her entire front face. Logan thought fast, lept in the air, stole K2's Ice and Rock Knife, and drove it right into her heart.

STRENGTHS: Improvisation. Doesn't prepare for fights, just keeps herself fit and loose.

WEAKNESSES: That approach has its risks. Logan is rarely truly in control of a fight and can be easily upended with an aggressive and accurate approach.

FIFTH SEED: Gunnbjørn Fjeld

Greenland's highest mountain, a silent competitor who always wears a signature black cloak into battle. Many speculate that a human witch from the future mastered time travel and merged with Gunnbjørn sometime in antiquity.

STRENGTHS: Majick, majick, majick. Ice, fire, blood, cotton, whatever, Gunnbjørn Fjeld is a master. Faced K2 in the 30th semi-final and won by lighting the whole damn mountain on fire.

WEAKNESSES: Absolutely cannot take a punch. Lost to Damavand in the final of that same tournament, in a fight that lasted two minutes after Damavand dodged Feld's initial attack and landed one in the MountainBelly.

THIRD SEED: ACONCAGUA

THE fan favorite, Aconcagua is a laid back dude with a chill tude. Don't think her a lightweight, though: victories in the 22nd and 14th tournaments enforce her reputation as a cerebral, creative competitor.

STRENGTHS: Absolutely gives McKinley fits. McKinley relies on a well planned power strategy, while Aconcagua just slinks around and dodges until the old war horse starts trying desperate blows. Is quite large with sneaky power.

WEAKNESSES: Mails in the early rounds and often loses to weird opponents. Has been thoroughly conquered by human beings; has been summited by a 12-year-old and a dog. We don't truly know the extent to which this will affect MountainFight performance, but come on: a dog? Aconcaugua didn't even TRY to kill people! This explains the fan following, but there are real questions about want-to.

SIXTH SEED: POPOCATEPETL

Hustle, hustle, hustle. Popocatépetl is the mountain that never quits.

STRENGTHS: Is always in peak condition. Fights like her life depends on it. Mild lava skills.

WEAKNESSES: I am going to be frank: Popocatépetl, for all the effort honorifics, is not a brilliant competitor. Frequently gambles and ends up with a peak full of rockfist. Slips and falls all over the ring. Has trapped herself in her own lava not once, not twice, but three times in the past. Aconcagua, her opening round matchup this year, once beat her in five minutes by insulting her mother—Mountains do not have mothers; no one was quite sure why she was so offended—then stepping out of the way when she charged. Hell of a motor, though.

SECOND SEED: PICO DE ORIZABA

The master of weapons, Pico won the 33rd tournament behind her extraordinary skills with mountain sword.

STRENGTHS: Pico is the greatest mountain weaponsmith in the world; no one comes close. After walking into the ocean on her way to the tournament, she spews a mix of lava, ash and ice into the ocean and sharpens, folds, and molds a five-mile-long sword she wields with amazing speed, power and accuracy. Most mountains have some aptitude with weapons, primarily crude ice and rock daggers, but Orizaba is in a class of her own. Has faced K2 on three occasions and beat her every time.

WEAKNESSES: Harder mountains, like McKinley, are her Kryptonite. Would be a perennial contender if she was blessed with even average speed.

SEVENTH SEED: MOUNT RAINIER

My personal favorite, Mount Rainier is the pride and joy of Washington. It is my personal natural pillow. During the tournament I will look into the horizon at the hole where Rainier once was and pray for her victory.

STRENGTHS: Nobility, life, fair play, tradition.

WEAKNESSES: Probably slow and not very strong or whatever. No one cares, this is the best mountain, Bring it Home for Washington State, Rainey!

THE AFRICA/OCEANIA REGION

The eclectic Africa/Oceania region is a kooky gumbo with divergent styles and approaches. Weird matchups and fights dominate this region.

ONE SEED: MOUNT KILIMANJARO

A winner of FIVE previous tournaments, Kilimanjaro is the Great Queen of the African mountains.

STRENGTHS: Large and unbelievably powerful. The second most powerful MountainPunch in the world, behind Everest, who is too slow and stupid to do anything with this gift. Complete command over a powerful laval flow and mysterious rock majicks. Almost certainly has mysterious psychic capabilities that allow her to predict where blows are coming from….

WEAKNESSES: …which comes in handy when you are very, very slow. Has only beat K2 once in five tries, because she is just not fast enough to keep up. Hemingway wrote a novella about her.

EIGHTH SEED: MOUNT KOSCIUSZKO

The Committee of Oceans require Australia submit a competitor. Kosciuszko isn't that, necessarily, but she will be fighting in this tournament.

STRENGTHS: 404 Not Found.

WEAKNESSES: Slow, weak, small, crappy. Someone should really do something about this Australian requirement, it is debasing a noble tournament.

FOURTH SEED: PUNCAK JAYA/MOUNT CARSTENZ

Indonesia's Rock Monster, Punca Jaya won the 10th tournament of mountains.

STRENGTHS: Sharp rock face makes Jaya a nightmare to fight. Even if you win, you will enter your next match bloodied by micro-lacerations from trying to make contact with Jaya's facade. Extended fights against Puncak are often horrifying affairs.

WEAKNESSES: This heavy-contact takes its toll on Puncak as well. A swift, powerful puncher can make quick work of her open defensive and move on without a terrible sacrifice.

FIFTH SEED: MOUNT KENYA

The second tallest mountain in Africa is a warm-climate beast who can likely be found lounging in a sunray between battles.

STRENGTHS: A smooth, stable mover who is incredibly hard to hit. Tremendous reflexes. Always lands on her feet. The most intuitive mountain in the world.

WEAKNESSES: Distractible. Has fallen asleep during a fight. Has padded rock fists that are great for moving but awful for punching.

THIRD SEED: MOUNT CAMEROON

Cameroon is a one-of-a-kind competitor. This two-time ToM champion has plentiful vegetation growing deep into her core.

STRENGTHS: Plant majicks. No one else even bothers to wade into the dark planted arts. Their frozen lives make even a small decorative shrub a pipe dream. Cameroon's hot climate and her layer of rich volcanic soil allow her to cultivate a small army of powerful vines that trap and bury and suffocate their opponents. Once grew a gigantic thorned whip and used it to tear Kosciuszko in half like a piece of paper. Some of her plants have healing properties that keep her fresh for every fight; Cameroon is impervious to the wear and tear that characterize a deep ToM run.

WEAKNESSES: Lava. Fire and lava kill plants, people. This is a problem against Kilimanjaro, who she has to share a division with. Will also be a problem against…

SIXTH SEED: KILAUEA

A first time competitor in the ToM, Kilauea is the world's most active volcano.

STRENGTHS: Lava, everywhere. Will burn ice users and trap everyone else in a lava/rock goop that forms at their feet. Cameroon's nightmare matchup.

WEAKNESSES: We don't know what kind of competitor Kiluaea is. A relatively young mountain, she should be ready to hustle. But she almost certainly doesn't have the experience necessary to really rumble with the Vets of this tournament.

SECOND SEED: VINSON MASIF

The reigning champion of the tournament is Vinson Masif, the largest mountain in Antarctica, whose recent victory in the ToM is her one and only.

STRENGTHS: Control of a dark and unknowable majick. The ancient scrolls suggest it resembled ice magic, but was somehow deeper and darker. Not previously known as a particularly dangerous fighter—she was a sixth seed in the last tournament—Vinson was near unstoppable 50,000 year ago: even the Mighty K2 was beaten senseless by her newfound skill.

WEAKNESSES: Scholars believe that the dominance of human beings over the Earth is the direct result of her victory: as Queen of the Mountains, he first and only act was to "give the soul of mountains" into apes, pushing them along the evolutionary path. She expected that this would put her competitors at a marked disadvantage in future tournaments, that they would be embarrassed and dominated by mere apes while she became stronger and stronger in her secluded Antarctic enclave. She was right about some mountains: the mountains of Europe, for instance, have become even more fat and pathetic in their domination by the hand of man, and Everest is just sad now.

What she could not aver predicted was that human beings would be so unconcerned for their own lives, and willingly allow themselves to be killed, their mountainous souls and lava-red blood the fuel for a new form of majicks that could be more powerful than anything Vinson could conjure on her own in Antarctica. We will see what effect this will have on the competition; it could be profound, and this tournament may show that Masif's plan has severely backfired. We could just as likely be looking at the beginning of the Vinson Masif dynasty.

SEVENTH SEED: MOUNT WILHELM

Papua New Guinea's Mount Wilhelm is a deeply odd mountain. She utilizes no ice, no lava, no majicks. Her only move is to walk into the middle of the rind and spin as fast as she possibly can, in a circle, with her arms outstretched.

STRENGTHS: This doesn't NOT work. She has won matches by tempting mountains to walk into her punch-storm.

WEAKNESS: But it doesn't USUALLY work.

EUROPE/WEST ASIA REGION

Terrible. Absolutely pits and only getting worse. Do not watch these fights, they make two mountains lunging at each other for earthly dominance seem duller than month old-Prairie Home Companions. If Europe sunk into the ocean, we would lose a lot of great stuff, I am sure, soccer and museums and people or whatever, but we would not lose a single interesting MountainFighter.

ONE SEED: DAMAVAND

Damavand has won four ToMs and the last TWENTY-FOUR Europe/West Asia Division crowns. This is a bad region, people.

STRENGTHS: It's a shame Damavand has to soullessly dispatch these losers every year, because she would be a contender in every bracket on Earth. The world's fastest mountain and a master of majick ice-daggery, Damavand works fast and goes for the vitals. Fights are often over before they seem to have begun.

WEAKNESSES: Is not built for long fights, but is not totally helpless in a slugfest, either. Ice Majicks mean major problems against lava competitors; Kilimanjaro in particular has had her number in the late rounds. But she is 6-3 all time against K2, so she must be doing something right.

EIGHT SEED: MONTE ROSA

Monte Rosa is the lowest seeded mountain in the worst division. I don't feel like I should even have to write this.

STRENGTHS: What were George W. Bush's strengths?

WEAKNESSES: Slow, weak, easily distracted, acts like her contact lens fell out so she can quit early in like 60 percent of her fights. Mountain don't have eyes, by the way.

FOURTH SEED: TOUBKAL

A mountain in Morocco. Made the Final Four once. I am not looking up when or why.

STRENGTHS: Actually tries, which passes for decent in this garbage division.

WEAKNESSES: Is very bad at mountain fighting. Lets decent opponent get under her skin, which is the cost of caring when you can't do anything about it.

FIFTH SEED: JABAL AN NABI SHU'AYB

The tallest mountain on the Arabian Peninsula, a land mass that's widely known for its tall mountains.

STRENGTHS: Okay, Jabal an Nabi Shu'ayb is the only mountains in the world with complete mastery of Dry Majicks, an arcane art that sucks all the water out of a mountain. It's kind of cool to watch, I guess.

WEAKNESSES: But mountains are made of rocks, not water, so it's not THAT useful. Is also a notoriously weak puncher.

THIRD SEED: MONT BLANC

Fuck. Mont. Blanc.

STRENGTHS: Has been able to ride three straight titles in the pre-modern 14th, 15th, and 16th ToMs to countless undeserved high seedings.

WEAKNESSES: Won those tournaments with a gimmick strategy—This ice/pushing thing, it was boring and horrible but some people *cough* Europeans *cough* get all romantic about it—and almost immediately fell out of shape and into a pit of second-round losses. Is also racist as hell.

SIXTH SEED: MOUNT ARARAT

The tallest mountain in Turkey.

STRENGTHS: A pretty nice mountain. Is certainly better than Blanc at this stage in their careers.

WEAKNESSES: Is still not good at fighting, and generally loses to mountains that are. God, no one cares.

SECOND SEED: MOUNT ELBRUS

The tallest mountain in Russia. Icy.

STRENGTHS: Is not COMPLETELY awful. Respectable work with ice majicks. Might actually play in the Africa/Oceania Division but…

WEAKNESSES: …is the sovereign property of Damavand. Too slow to deal with the knife.

SEVENTH SEED: TEIDE

The tallest point in Spain, on the Island of Tenerife off the coast of Africa. Sort of a stretch to call her a European mountain, but this division is so thin that the lines are blurred.

STRENGTHS: Sportsmanship.

WEAKNESS: Effort.

WHERE CAN I WATCH THE TOURNAMENT?

Preliminary rounds on ESPN3, final on SEC Network.

WHO IS THE SMART PICK TO WIN?

K2 is a 2/1 favorite in Vegas, and I have to concur. You're talking about the world's greatest mountain fighter, coming into this tournament filled to the gills with powerful human blood. Vinson Masif, Kilimanjaro, Damavand, and McKinley could all be considered legitimate contenders.

I PLAN ON BETTING ON THIS, WHO IS A GOOD SLEEPER PICK?

If you are an optimist, Kangchenjunga has advantages no other mountain in the tourney. Do you believe in the power of human goodness infused with a mountain? I don't, personally, but at 55/1, it's not the worst bet you could make.

HEY, YOU MENTIONED THE WINNING MOUNTAIN HAVING A LOT OF INFLUENCE ON THE CHARACTER OF THE WORLD. SHOULD WE BE WORRIED…

Oh yeah, totally. Half of these mountains want to wipe out humanity on Earth. Hopefully our governments are preparing for a war against nature itself. You should absolutely buy guns and non-perishable food in case the extraordinarily evil K2 wins, because stuff could get hairy if that happens. Good luck to all the competitors, except for K2.