F·R·I·E·N·D·S

Inspired by our sister site Broadly, we’re creating the digital version of a bed—This is Fine—a weekly column on mental health that’s a space of comfort, joy, refuge and pleasure.

I have a story like most others. I went to a shitty school and was bullied, discovered a passion for reading and writing and oration and all that, was sexually assaulted, went through a really bad time, grew up in a toxic environment, went to college, had to deal with having a scattered self esteem, heartbreak, problems back home, all the general stuff that just comes with existing.

The only thing different is that at some point of time I realised I had a voice that was standing up for something and that took me places. I’ve been on Instagram (my main platform) for three years now, and on it I’ve illustrated, written poetry, made videos, voiced my views, posted silly selfies, spoken to thousands of people, worked on projects which crowdfunded information from an audience directly, helped people, helped people speak out, and it’s been great overall. But being someone on the internet is taxing; you’re constantly juggling personas and also every move you make is being judged and looked at, your work is constantly criticised, your view of your self changes, you need to make wiser decisions, you’re talking to people and you need to believe strongly in what you’re saying to them. Accountability should be on a pedestal here because you can never underestimate the ‘influence’ you do have on people when they attach the term ‘influencer’ to your job profile.

What has helped me through the toughest of times is the support system I’ve built around me, and I’m the luckiest person to have been blessed with the people in my life that I do have. When the going gets tough, the tough around you keep you going.

I have, through the years, always had good ‘best friend’ trios. You know, just those two friends who’ve got your back, who you can call at 3 AM and they’ve got your back (and will probably tell you that 3 AM is the hour of Satan). In school I had Tanushree and Tarleen, they stood up for me when I had no voice. I got sexually assaulted in school for three years and no one helped me; my friends took action, even when I didn’t want them to, initiated dialogue in a space where sex education was a joke. In my barely long enough life of 20 years, I think these formative years were my worst, and without my friends I’d have given up a long time ago.

Contrary to what people on social media believe or how everyone makes you out to be, in my own little head I’m not as badass as I’d like to be or as badass as people think I am, and even though I’m conflicted by this, I’m constantly assured by my friends that I don’t have to live up to any standards, that they love me for who I am, and sometimes, though you need your friends to criticise and be real with you, sometimes you just need them to tell you that they love you for who you truly are. I met an old school best friend recently—I’d cut her off after school, we hadn’t spoken for years—but she told me that every time she’d see a post of mine, she’d feel extremely proud. Sometimes it’s just a little kindness that you need in your life to make it through the day.

Back to best friend trios—My current best friends are Nyla and Dyann. I’m in college currently, and we’re in the same class and I see them everyday. They’re my strongest support system. They’re my first friends as adults, and so we’re navigating a whole new world together. We have our own semi-professional lives, we have our own personal emotional traumas, our own dating problems, we’re really growing up together, the world’s a confusing place and we’re confused as heck, but at least we have each other. We have very well-established healthy boundaries when it comes to communication as well. When you have a problem, you say it, and then we all work on it. True friendship and love is not keeping things in because you think nothing is going to come out of it; instead it’s about working on things because you deserve to. Growth can only happen when you open up and contribute to the growth. We also are very mindful of each other’s thresholds when it comes to dealing with each other. We also have interventions when needed. My best friends are also super supportive of my work. They might not necessarily agree with everything I have to say or do, but they’re standing right behind me if ever I need them, and I think that’s important. I don’t need anybody to fight my battles, I just need them to stand behind me and stretch out a hand if I slip. We’re also each other’s biggest cheerleaders and strongest critics when it comes to work. I do my art and poetry, Nyla is a singer and videomaker, Dyann writes jokes and does amazing makeup. We’re not just incredibly pumped about each other’s lives, we actively collaborate to make this period a genuinely great time in our lives.

Family is super important. It’s where you come from, and more often than not you can’t really escape. I have an okay-ish family. My parents are very supportive or can’t care more about what I do. I have a younger sister who’s extremely talented and in art school, but there wasn’t ever too strong a connection. My biggest supporter has always been my aunt, Vinitha R. Vini aunty was the only person who read my blog when I was 14 and had just started writing, and has continued to always be there. She always thought I was cool and I thought so about her too. She’s my second mother. I know if the world is collapsing, I will go to her. In my toughest times, when I’ve gotten numb as a person, she has taken me under her wing. My mother started getting ill when I was 15. She’d gone through a massive heart attack and then a brain stroke and is now paralysed. I was asked to grow up at a very young age, and at such times you stop learning how to process your feelings. I craved to be able to feel anything at all, I craved my mother’s presence, and my aunt gave me that and more. Today if I have the strength to even inch towards getting help, it’s because my aunt picked up the phone and called the therapist herself. Sometimes you want to be babied, no matter how independent you are. I also have friends who are older and who have acted as elder siblings and their guidance has been important.

I’ve been lucky to have some great male friends who’ve given me space to educate them and also to learn from them. They’ve been some of the most supportive people I’ve known, who’ve engaged in constructive debate, and acknowledged where I come from when I’m talking about certain things. They also listen to my boy problems (because I’m trying to gauge how their brains work) and we all conclude with the simple truth—“this is just weird”—because honestly I have no idea how I attract such absolute specimens.

Over the years my identity has also been very fragmented. It took me a long time to be open about my sexuality. And therefore a long time to find my place in the queer community. Until then world around hadn't felt so welcoming. But now to be able to find friends who accept you and cherish who I am, especially with the stigma attached, helps so much.

As an artist, especially an artist who got famous too young, you can often feel like inspiration is running out—What if this was my peak, what if I’m never going to make anything better than this? And this is when I want to thank the people I work with, who don’t give up on me, no matter how unappetising the work I’m making is. I don’t know what they see in me, but I’m so glad they see anything at all. I have friends like Tushar, who designed my website and online store and has always been there for me, whether it’s when I’m dying with pending orders on my online store or complaining about client payments not coming through. My partner Rushil, who I’ve collaborated with on a few projects, keeps me grounded when it comes to how I react to things, and teaches me how to sort things out one step at a time, to be wiser, to think.

I can be hotheaded, sometimes irrational, highly emotional but I have friends like Natasha, Shreya, Gargi, Riana, Savio, Samarth, Angelique who’ve taught me that the anger I put out into this world only affects me and that I deserve better. They’ve assured me a certain kind of safety when the world feels too dangerous. I have many amazing friends, too many to name—I can only end by saying that there is no dearth of kindness and good friends in the world. May we all find friendships that help us grow and help us help others grow. And as my friend Dyann says, “You deserve the best. You’re not asking for too much. You’re just asking the wrong person for it.”

Here’s to more sunshine kind of people.

Follow Priyanka Paul on Instagram.