In Defence Of… Celebrity Refs

Not so long ago, after another round of scintillating Premier League fixtures, we found ourselves writing about the glorious theatre of watching Mike Dean. He is, without a doubt, one of the least popular figures in the beautiful game at the moment, what with his primadonna approach to officiating and his air of a supercilious secondary school PE teacher, tutting and strutting about while smirking at the efforts of the weaklings in his care. Referees are football's maligned men at the best of times, but the combination of overblown sneering, cocksure swagger and inevitable human fallibility is what makes Dean such a particular target of the nation's disdain. He is, on a fundamental level, a man who it is hard to be fond of. He is, in his purest form, the archetypal celebrity referee.

To identify a celebrity referee, one must look for two basic characteristics. First of all, the official in question must have a monolithic ego. Second, he must think that his referee's duties are at least as important, if not more so, than the actual football on display. Circumstantial evidence of celebrity refereedom might include aggressive treatment of the match ball before kick off, excessive use of hair gel, the presence of multiple refereeing tattoos and spontaneous moments of physical nonconformity. Likewise, celebrity referees are likely to be identified by the dedicated, meticulous Twitter account of the same name.

If there's one man who could work a Vine better than any other…#CelebrityRefshttps://t.co/M2dkJs9NIl
— Celebrity Refs (@CelebrityRefs) October 27, 2016

Now, in a broader sense, we fully realise that professional referees are not particularly relatable people. Why anyone would want to be screamed at by the rich and entitled for a living is beyond us and, by association, becoming a professional ref is much like going on The Apprentice or Hell's Kitchen with Gordon Ramsay, or becoming a staffer for a Conservative MP. To succeed in such an inherently degrading environment, one must either have a masochistic appreciation of being belittled, or a total immunity to the cruelty of others. The celebrity referee is a rare and fascinating cognitive case study in this context, in that he combines one or the other of those traits with the unshakeable confidence one would usually associate with billionaires, cult leaders and high-functioning sociopaths.

With this sort of a psychological profile, it's little wonder that the celebrity referee is widely disliked amongst the common people. It is not the job of the celebrity ref to be liked, however, for he was put on this earth for reasons that are infinitely more profound. While certainly not affable, he is admirable in the sense that his confidence makes him bold, fearless and innately resilient. Like the vast majority of unappreciated geniuses on the planet, he has total belief in his decisions, even when they are objectively and quantifiably wrong.

Vintage Deanie proving he's been pure showbiz from the very start…#CelebrityRefs (via @BenJackson1994)https://t.co/Lwb51xQwv2
— Celebrity Refs (@CelebrityRefs) October 19, 2016

When a celebrity ref makes a mistake, it enrages people like nothing else in football. In the eyes of the uninitiated, he compounds his error with his arrogance, intractability and the overemphasised flourish of his cards. When he points to the penalty spot after a tenuous handball shout, arm shooting out like a striking rattlesnake, the people howl in anguish at his pride, pomposity and terrible hubris. Somehow, that hubris seems to go forever unpunished, even when the celebrity ref proceeds to condescend to the players as they protest his erroneous decree.

While it might not be immediately obvious, this is why the celebrity referee is such a valuable asset to football, and the world in general for that matter. He confounds the wishes of the common man, he is infuriating, unbending and impossible to negotiate with, and for all of that, we should thank him, not lambast him from social media and the stands. Disregarding the futility of such an exercise, the celebrity referee should be appreciated for the theatricality of his performance, the emotions he elicits, and the sheer fury of the reaction he provokes. Football is entertainment, and the celebrity ref is the ultimate entertainer. Nobody goes to the ground with the intention of watching him, and yet everyone ends up watching him all the same.

Seriously, someone get this man on the West End.#CelebrityRefs (via @CaptainCaraher)pic.twitter.com/PJKbW0CVHL
— Celebrity Refs (@CelebrityRefs) October 24, 2016

To go even further, the celebrity ref is a reminder of the status quo of human existence. He is a reminder that the world is essentially uncaring, and that we have no divine right to justice, or to right another man's terrible wrongs. The celebrity ref is unashamed in his mistaken verdicts, he revels in delivering them, and he uses the subsequent opprobrium to generate an ever-more monumental sense of self. There is no punishment for him, there is no redress, and he cares not whether he is popular, as long as he is famous. That's life, and the celebrity ref helps us come to terms with it. That's existence, kids: being wrongfully sent off by a gleeful Mike Dean, and knowing there is absolutely fuck all anyone can do about it.

@W_F_Magee