Whether it was a 3 month &#x201c;situationship&#x201d; or a 3 year long relationship, a break-up is probably gonna leave you feeling different from before &#x2013; and you&#x2019;ll find yourself turning to all manner of vices to get through those feelings.

As someone who hasn&#x2019;t had a whole lot of &#x201c;long term&#x201d; relationships, I&#x2019;ve still had my fair share of heartbreak.

A great relationship has few downsides — you get to explore life with your partner/partners in crime, share your love, and support one another –  but even relationships that are happy and healthy require some mahi. And sometimes even a little space.  <div class="article__embed article__embed--vice" data-related-article="true" data-children-count="0"><iframe src="https://www.vice.com/en_nz/embed/article/xgyey7/embed" frameborder="0" style="border:0px none;margin:0px" allowfullscreen></iframe></div> No matter how good you’ve got it, relationships are ultimately still made up of individual people with different needs. And those needs can’t always be handled in partnership. Whether it’s exploring gender identity or sexuality, expanding traditional relationship structures, or just straight-up needing some time to yourself — there are a bevy of reasons you might need a “break” from your relationship.  The term “break” haunts anyone who grew up in a household where Friends was compulsory viewing, thanks to TVNZ’s potent cycle of reruns. Hearing David Schwimmer scream “we were on a break” has been imprinted in my memory. I hear it in my nightmares. And never do I want to end up in a situation like Ross and poor Rachel. If (and when) the time comes that you decide you need some space in your relationship, how you tell your S/O is gonna be key to avoiding shit hitting the fan. But before going into this, make sure you’re not doing it because you actually just want to break-up. It might feel easier at the time to slowly make a French-exit from your own relationship, but you’re asking for trouble in the long run. If you already know you don’t see yourselves getting back together on the other side, end things up front.  If you do decide a break is legitimately what you need, doing the following should stop things from going tits up.  GET YOUR REASON READY Now is not the time to trust your improvisation skills. You’re not gonna do a good job of explaining what you want if you haven’t taken the time to think about it on your own, first. Focus on why you actually want, or need, the time apart, so when the moment comes to tell your partner you won’t just say a bunch of shit you don’t mean. Being transparent about your reasons is also hugely important — because you owe your S/O the autonomy to disagree with you.  Maybe you want a break because you’ve been unhappy in the relationship and want to process that alone. Maybe you wanna sleep with or date other people, and are worried they won’t be okay with it. It’s gonna be shit to hear, but don’t downplay or camouflage the real reason with the hopes of not offending or upsetting them. It’s not your place to decide whether or not they’d be cool with it. So have your reason ready and be honest. Your partner deserves the full picture so they can see if the ‘why’ sits right with them, too.  <div class="article__embed article__embed--vice" data-related-article="true" data-children-count="0"><iframe src="https://www.vice.com/en_nz/embed/article/v7v9aj/embed" frameborder="0" style="border:0px none;margin:0px" allowfullscreen></iframe></div> MAKE YOUR END GOAL CLEAR  If there’s wavering doubt with either of you that this is really a break (as opposed to a break-up), you could be unintentionally opening a different can of worms.  If your S/O thinks that what you actually want is to permanently end the relationship, and you’re just too much of a coward to do it, they might end things themselves — so make it totally clear that you ultimately want to remain together.  RULES ARE GOOD Put simply — make rules and stick to them. There are some basics to cover here: Will you still have contact with each other, either in real life, or online? If so, how much will you talk? Do you tell other people? And the big one: when and how the break ends.  A poll of the VICE office came out with a decent split between people who would want to leave a break open-ended, and people who’d rather have a set amount of time they break for. Interestingly, it was mostly men who preferred no time frame and women who preferred a set date. But like any situation, this will vary person to person, so chat through it.  Another biggie is whether either of you will sleep with (or see) other people. This might be a tough conversation,  especially if your relationship is monogamous. But it’ll be worse if you don’t talk about it at all, only to find out later that your S/O slept with Jax from their economics class while you were bridled for 3 months of chastity.  The gist is, if there’s anything that might cause confusion, sort it out now. And if you’ve agreed on rules that are gonna keep you both happy, stick with them.  <div class="article__embed article__embed--vice" data-related-article="true" data-children-count="0"><iframe src="https://www.vice.com/en_nz/embed/article/g5v48y/embed" frameborder="0" style="border:0px none;margin:0px" allowfullscreen></iframe></div> BE PREPARED FOR IT TO GO WRONG  As much as we’d love to say breaks and break-ups should be mutual decisions, and no one needs to get hurt, it’s rare for two or more people to be feeling the exact same way about the situation. If you’re choosing to take time to yourself, the hope is that your S/O will be on board. But they might have other thoughts/feelings/plans.  You may find that when you tell your partner you need some space that they just say no. You need to decide what that means for you. If there can’t be a break, are you willing to stay together? Or would you be better off breaking-up? If you’re unable to suss something that works for everyone involved, that might be the start of another conversation.  Good luck. <hr> Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development. <h2>LoveBetter Youthline support channels:</h2> Email: lovebetter@youthline.co.nz Or rangatahi can text lovebetter to 234 https://check.areyouok.org.nz/ Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa.

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How to Tell Your S/O to Give you Space Without Breaking Up


Break-Ups

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In reality, there isn&#x2019;t an easy way to handle a break-up, even in the best of cases. But, that&#x2019;s OK (something I tell myself). Whether you&#x2019;re the one who has broken up with someone &#x2013; or you&#x2019;re the person who has been broken up with &#x2013; it will probably impact you eventually.

One way I like to get through it, though, is music.

It can help you ride out some of the best and worst of emotions, and run you through all the scenarios in your head of what you wish you had done differently. Or it could just give you a relatable sense of comfort &#x2014; knowledge that you&#x2019;re not the only one who has felt this way.

Not only that, music is a great tool to connect with others. It can help translate some of the most difficult emotions and create communities to help you get through difficult times.

Something I try to do, but don&#x2019;t always succeed at, is remembering when to let go of an emotion you&#x2019;re dealing with. Sitting with it and letting it pass through you; not letting it become you, but not ignoring it, either.

This playlist has been curated to get you through the range of emotions you might feel during a break-up or tough times, whether that&#x2019;s contemplation, closure or even just to shed a tear or two.

Years into a pandemic, isolation has a new and more practical meaning — but we’ve never been strangers to it, even before it was all on government orders.   Isolation conjures an image of an un-showered teen, holed up playing Elder Scrolls, chugging Mountain Dew by the litre and ignoring desperate pleas to turn down the music from irritated whānau.  But when we spend too long rotting away in a bean bag on the floor of our mum's garage, it might be good to ask what damage it’s doing to us in the long term. Especially when the reason we’re hiding away in the first place is that we’ve recently ended a romantic relationship — a time that’s likely to already be turbulent, lonely and frustrating.  <div class="article__embed article__embed--vice" data-related-article="true" data-children-count="0"><iframe src="https://www.vice.com/en_nz/embed/article/93aea8/embed" frameborder="0" style="border:0px none;margin:0px" allowfullscreen></iframe></div> It’s not uncommon for us to shut up, shut off and shut down when we’ve been hit with the ol’ broken heart. Your hobbies aren’t fun anymore, your friends are pissing you off, the sun isn’t warm, the 2 minute noodles have lost their definitely-real-chicken taste… Nothing is quite like it was before. But there’s something strangely appealing about the numbness it provides at a time otherwise imbued with feeling. VICE spoke with Laressa Lynch, a Pōneke based counsellor, to get to the root of why many of us fall back on it when shit hits the proverbial fan. VICE: What would you expect to be the normal ways that someone would handle a break-up? Laressa Lynch: So, the realm of “normal” is pretty broad, in that there’s lots of different variables that affect the way someone handles a break-up.  But some common ways are to rebound to dating, casual sex or a new relationship. Others may retreat. Breaks-ups are generally stressful and can be overwhelming whether they are unwanted or a welcome relief.  This lends itself to coping in ways that could further increase stress. If the relationship featured unhealthy and unsafe behaviours, this may be detrimental to one’s self esteem. This can cause low mood, depression and anxiety and ongoing stress. If a person has some kind of addiction, like relying too heavily on alcohol or drugs, pornography, gambling, sex, social media, disordered eating… These behaviours can increase in order to buffer the distress.  And then of course some people will react by retreating into themselves and shutting off from others.  <div class="article__embed article__embed--vice" data-related-article="true" data-children-count="0"><iframe src="https://www.vice.com/en_nz/embed/article/5d3n3n/embed" frameborder="0" style="border:0px none;margin:0px" allowfullscreen></iframe></div> Why is it that we can close off from people after a break-up? I think because break-ups are really confronting. They're painful and often devastating, which can elicit shame for people and trigger a sense of failure. Relationships take work, and if they end, that can feel like we're sort of standing in a destruction zone, trying to piece together what went wrong and how to retrieve ourselves in the aftermath. So people might feel embarrassed to share with other people, like their friends or family, if there are unhealthy behaviours in the relationship that they were using themselves or experiencing with their partner. Having some space from others can be appealing in order to avoid being asked the details of what went wrong. So, it's often motivated by not wanting other people to see the full story, in a way? Yeah, absolutely. And also, I think that it's confronting because it can feel like “could we have done more?” In some relationships that can seem like a never ending thing, where you just keep going back and trying to make it work.  Do you think there are ways that isolation can be healthy after a break-up? Well, going off my definition of isolation, which is, somebody really withdrawing from their communities, like friendships and families, I would say no. I don't think it's healthy. I think it's essential to connect and have regular contact with people that we know, especially after a break-up — particularly if there’s been some unhealthy behaviour in the relationship, because you may have already been feeling isolated during it. To have the opportunity to debrief, vent, unpack and process with close family and friends is really helpful.  It's important to have people around us who can remind us of our core values.  So how can you avoid falling into isolation? It's important to recognise that we're actually wired to connect to other people. Our social connections are just as important as eating and sleeping, and our wellbeing is intricately connected to the quality of our relationships.  It's important that we check in on our friends when they're experiencing a break-up. Even if they seem like they're doing okay. In Aotearoa we’re particularly good at hiding and minimising our emotions, so we need the strength to trust that our friends and family will understand. At this point a counsellor or therapist would also be helpful to support the person. Have a really good think about who might be especially empathetic, or a good listener, or has been through a similar experience — be it a break-up or another kind of grief. Mostly what people need is to be heard without judgement. A lot of emotions happen and people need to be able to experience them and move through them without having judgement or other people's opinions layered on top of that.  And then what would you say are the healthy ways that we can handle those feelings? It's important to expect to feel these kinds of emotions. They’re a normal and healthy response to a break-up.  The reality is that we live in a culture that often pathologizes these kinds of emotions. So, we may believe that there's something wrong with us, when really we're experiencing a very normal and common grief process. And we’ll do anything we can to avoid feeling our emotions, especially if we're predisposed to that behaviour. But our feelings want our attention and to be validated and acknowledged.  To actually, like, let our emotions in, and be present with them, increases our distress tolerance, so we're able to move through things even more comfortably in the long term. It’s an investment: actually paying attention to our emotions. And practically, how do we get there?  Everybody has different needs around processing their emotions, and there’s an absolute tendency in our culture to repress, so it’s really important that we create a culture where people are able to reach out for help. And it's not just about talking. Processing emotions is very much about being present in other ways.  So it's important to make some time every day, maybe like 15 minutes or so to give yourself permission to fully feel your emotions. It's about being able to create some kind of environment, whether it's mountain biking, trekking in the bush or going out fishing, or whatever it is, but giving yourself conscious awareness and space — And getting out and doing stuff with other people, making sure that you still keep connecting.  Yeah, absolutely. Hey, thank you so much for your time on this.  No worries!  <hr> Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development. <h2>LoveBetter Youthline support channels:</h2> Email: lovebetter@youthline.co.nz Or rangatahi can text lovebetter to 234 https://check.areyouok.org.nz/ Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa.

Why is Isolation so Appealing After a Break-Up?

relationships

Isolation

mental health

The Love Better Break-Up playlist has everything from Phoebe Bridgers (obviously), LCD Soundsystem, Alex G, and Blood Orange, to some local voices like Marlon Williams, Molly Payton and the og, Troy Kingi.

VICE AU/NZ · Playlist · 54 songs · 1 likes

The Love Better Break-Up Playlist

_Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development._

Finally, A Break-Up Playlist That Isn't Trying to Make you Cry

How to Tell Your S/O to Give you Space Without Breaking Up

Why is Isolation so Appealing After a Break-Up?

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