Achieving the perfect work-life balance is tough, whichever industry you're in. But when that industry involves sex, that balance gets even tougher. From first dates to long-term relationships, is there ever a right time to tell your sex partner that you also have sex for money?When I worked as a lap dancer, I stopped dating altogether. Something about selling the idea of sex to men every night just put me off intimacy. Long after I quit dancing, I'd meet guys who fixated on the fact I took my clothes off for money when I was 18. They seemed either disappointed in me or weirdly turned on by it.
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But what's it like for people who have both business-sex and pleasure-sex? I spoke to sex workers across different areas of the industry about their dating lives.The two responses I get from potential dates are, "No, because you're a sex worker" and, "Yes, because you're a sex worker." It's never just about me. I totally understand when they can't handle it, but then there are the ones who want to try out new things sexually, and if that's the only reason they want to date me, forget it.My last relationship lasted two or so months. He'd ask me how my day was, and I wouldn't want to talk about it. That's because I'm sharing a part of myself with a stranger, and I wouldn't want my boyfriend to think he wasn't getting the real me. The thing is, I genuinely enjoy my work—I love it! I orgasm all the time. Which is brilliant, but it also makes me reluctant to be completely open because I don't want my partners to get jealous.
The best relationship I've ever had was with another sex worker. It was brilliant. We were just so comfortable with each other and could talk about everything. I remember one time in a restaurant, this couple on the next table were talking about their days—business proposals, presentations, stuff like that—so I asked him what he'd done that day. "Oh, I fisted this woman, how about you?" he replied. And I said, "Oh, I fucked a man with a strap-on." We laughed so much. The only reason it didn't work out was because I have kids, and he's a bit younger than me—it was nothing to do with our work.
"The best relationship I've had was with another sex worker"
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I think some female sex workers can be overly naïve when it comes to trying to find a partner, so when we do find something, sometimes we put up with more than we should. That's probably why I've decided to remain single—it's too much hassle.Charlotte Rose, LondonI'm a male sex worker specializing in conscious kink and erotic ritual. People are generally stunned that as a man I can be a successful sex worker. Women I date assume I'm some kind of rampant sex machine but, actually, I'm a pretty sensitive soul. Someone I dated recently thought I was lying until I showed her my website.I'm in a long-term relationship, but I practice ethical non-monogamy, a.k.a. polyamory. My partner used to get upset if I had last-minute bookings and changed our plans, but I've stopped doing that to avoid friction, so now I only take advanced bookings.I don't lie to the people I date, but I lie to other people all the time—shop keepers, taxi drivers, random people in bars or cafés, who ask me what I do. It's to avoid long conversations that I've had a million times; it's not out of any shame. There isn't much stigma associated with being a male sex worker, but there is loads in being a female one. People make a lot of assumptions about what it's like to date sex workers—they expect disease and drugs and lack of self-worth. In my experience, nothing could be further from the truth.
"The women I date assume I'm a rampant sex machine"
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Seani Love, London
"He drunkenly proposed one night at the parlor"
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"I've lied for the first few months of every relationship"
"He said I was doing it for the attention"
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Ben*, LondonI don't have relationships with men because I find it too difficult to lie, and I couldn't tell any man the truth. I once told my ex that I'd done sex work in the past, and he ignored me for two days while he decided whether or not he wanted to continue our relationship. At the time, I was devastated and worried about our relationship ending. He asked me questions about what I'd done and how many clients I'd seen and if I'd ever done it while we were together. I felt ashamed and upset.Since then, I've had a few dates and flings but just found it too difficult to lie. I hate living a double life, but I don't even tell my friends because I think they will judge me.Stacey*, Edinburgh and Belfast*Names have been changed.Follow Rose Lewenstein on Twitter.