Getting Along is a column about taking care of yourself, setting boundaries, and having difficult conversations, for people who struggle with all three.
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Itâs been 20 years since I read this story and I still canât tell you exactly what the takeaway is meant to be. Being an ingrate⊠kills? Act excited about God and/or the gift you donât want and you might just receive a new car? It also calls to mind the Poptart Tragedy, that other iconic bad gift morality tale. The muddled message of âThe Bibleâ didnât stop me from thinking this story was incredibly deep, though, or from reading it solemnly to my religion class (!!!) when it was my day to lead prayer. Lik dis if you cry evertim.All this is to say: giving gifts is hard, and sometimes receiving is too, and it would probably be good if everyone knew how to react to a present they donât like in a way that doesnât end with a family estrangement or untimely death. To all of you Bills out thereâŠ. this one's for you.Gifts are my love language, so Iâm not going to tell you that receiving a disappointing gift is no big deal, or that youâre shallow for being upset. Itâs totally understandable to feel bummed about a gift that didnât live up to your expectations. Does that mean you are justified in throwing a big fit, or resenting the person for the next 15 years? Probably not. A quick search of /r/AmItheAsshole turns up tons of examples of people acting like spoiled brats about giftsâand way more parties who subreddit-goers have dubbed ânot the assholeâ in the gift situation. A few things that are helpful to consider, if youâre feeling let down by a present and also donât want to be the asshole:
Yes, itâs the thought that counts⊠but sometimes, the thought is pretty bad, or lacking entirely.
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- Not all âbadâ gifts are created equal; thereâs a massive difference between a meh gift from a family member who doesnât know you particularly well versus an egregiously off gift from your partner of five years. (More on both in a bit.)
- Not everyone values gift giving, a reality that can be really hard to accept if you put a ton of time/money/energy into creating the perfect gift and expect others to do the same. But before you take any action, consider that you might be going above and beyond because itâs important to you, but that the other person did enough by most standards.
- Yes, the thought absolutely counts!!! If someone, say, bought you a giant Houston Astros hat thatâs also a cat bed because you love both the Houston Astros and your catsâtotally not realizing that this is something youâd never buy yourself because it makes zero sense in your home and couldnât be less your styleâitâs kind of hard to fault them for it. The person genuinely, honestly tried! Even if they obviously just walked into a Bath and Body Works and said, âWhat would a 25-year-old woman like?â and bought one of the gift baskets that a well-meaning employee recommended well⊠again, they tried!
- On the other hand, sometimes the reason a gift is upsetting is because it shows an unmistakable lack of thought from someone who you think about a lot, and who you expect to think about you, too. And if youâre feeling super upset about a bad gift, it probably isnât really about the gift.
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When it comes to the cringey but harmless or just kinda Off gift from a relative, just be gracious.
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Speaking of which⊠if you always send somebody in your life the same exact thing year after year because you swear they love it, check in every few years with a mutual third party who can be honest with you about whether thereâs something else the person might like. Donât be That Aunt. In some unlucky instances, thereâs additional pressure to Do Something with the bad gift⊠dress your kid in it for family photos, for example, or wear it on your wedding day. At that point, you have to decide how strongly you feel about not doing this thing, and whether this battle is worth picking. If the stakes are low and you can throw them a bone for one photo to keep the peace, do it. If, on the other hand, your in-laws expect you to wear coordinating âHe stuffed my stocking!â/âI stuffed her stocking!â T-shirts for your holiday card photo, well⊠you are totally within your rights to say a firm no, or a friendly but very non-committal âYeah, maybe!â What to say:
When the bad gift demands a performance of some sort, you might have to be more direct.
- âWe so appreciate the gift, but itâs just not our [style/sense of humor] and [if this is true!] we already bought outfits for the photos that we spent a bunch of time coordinating and are excited to wear.â
- âI know you love this idea, but itâs just not our [style/sense of humor] and, honestly, Iâm a traditionalistâI donât think I could ever send a photo with a joke like that to [my siblings/parents/former teachers]!â (Try to say this in a bright, friendly tone that makes it sound like itâs a You Problem.)
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Note: if youâre dealing with in-laws or a gift-to-a-couple situation, this should come from the person who is closest to the gift-giverâthat is, if your partnerâs parents gave the gift, then itâs your partnerâs responsibility to have this conversation. If your grandparents gave the gift, it might make sense for your parents to talk to themâin that case, it allows everyone involved to save face. On occasion, you may find yourself dealing with less-than-thoughtful passive-aggressive types who give shitty or half-assed gifts and are also fairly awful in a million other ways. If a person who is constantly rude to you gives you a gift thatâs used/broken/dirty, designed to embarrass you, or laughably awful in comparison to what they give other family members who they have a similar relationship with, say âThanks!â with as much enthusiasm as you can musterâwhich might not be muchâand then file this information away for later. And when the next special occasion rolls around, free yourself of the obligation to get them something nice (or anything at all, if you can get away with it). Is it kind of annoying to have to pretend that you like it? Yes. And if itâs a really nasty gift, you can do a, âWow. Seriously?â or something to that effect. Some gifts are so humiliating, cruel, or aggressive (think: something very intentionally monogrammed with your deadname on it) that itâs worth making like Bill and walking out of the house and never speaking to the person again. But if youâre dealing with a run-of-the-mill shit starter who will spin anything less than effusive into a huge thing about how ungrateful and rude you are for years to come, think about whether giving them the reaction they want over this particular gift is going to serve you well in the long run. (On the other hand, if youâre tired of playing nice, Captain Awkward has some excellent advice on what to say in this exact situation!)
If a gift is clearly a snub, take that as valuable information about the gifter.
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If your partner gave you a wildly off giftâor, my god, an engagement ring that you hateâyou should probably say something.
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What to say: Donate it, sell it, exchange it for store credit, recycle it, or throw it away. Seriously. (FWIW, Marie Kondo agrees with me!) If you feel really guilty about this, use it once or twice so you can say you didâburn the candle, text them a pic of the cats chilling in the giant Astros cap, etc.
- âWould you be OK with me exchanging these jeans for a darker color? I really like the style but I think I look better in a darker wash.â
- âSo, I really love this and I love that you noticed how much I was talking about wanting to play Fire Emblem. I did some research last month and was actually thinking of buying myself a regular Switch vs. the Switch Lite so I could play it on my TV. Would you be OK with me exchanging it for the standard Switch? I know itâs more expensive, so Iâll obviously pay the difference.â
- âTo be honest, Iâm a little surprised that you got me this because itâs not really my thing [for X specific reasons], which weâve talked about in the past. I know how thoughtful you are, so Iâm feeling a bit thrown off by thisâbut youâre so caring and considerate that I feel like a total ass even bringing this up. Thoughts? Can we talk about it a bit?â
Go ahead and get rid of gifts you hate or just have no use for.
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Should you re-gift it? Personally, Iâm against this; I worry that something will give the game awayâa dated gift receipt or a personalized note tucked inside a box, for example, or slight wear and tear that might tip them off to the fact that this gift isnât exactly new. (And then suddenly youâre the giver of the âbadâ gift that this article is about!!!) However, that doesnât mean you have to hang onto something that doesnât suit you well for five years out of guilt until your cat pees on it and frees you of this ridiculous burden.I think the best move with regard to re-gifting is to just disclose the origin to the recipient, and, as such, itâs not their main gift. For example: âMy father-in-law gave me a pair of slippers that are really nice, but totally arenât my style, but that I thought you might like. Do you want them?â Most people will say yes and be thrilled by this prospect. And if they arenât, they can say soâand wonât be stuck managing the guilt of receiving a gift they didnât want. List sharing before the holidays is just practical, and has the added benefit of not making your parents, in-laws, siblings, aunts, and uncles play Telephone on everyone elseâs behalf. If youâre worried this wonât go over well with your fam, try to recruit a few siblings to get on board with it firstâthe more of you who agree to do it from the start, the easier itâll be to get buy-in from everyone else. (And even if your relatives donât create their own lists, theyâll at least still have access to yours.) If youâre looking for a website to facilitate this, Giftster is one option I like a lot. Everyone within a private group creates their own list, and each item can include links, a ranking (i.e., how badly you want this thing), price, stores where it can be purchased, and additional notes. Folks can also fill out a gift preferences profile that the entire group can see; this is where youâd add things like your clothing and shoe sizes; favorite colors; hobbies and interests; favorite bands, restaurants, TV shows, etc.; âwhat not to get meâ (anything with animal products if youâre a vegan, for example); and your mailing address. Thereâs also an option to mark off a gift once itâs purchased, so other people in the groupâbut not the recipientâknow not to buy that one. What to say to the family when you pitch this:
Bonus: take a meh gift as a sign that itâs time to make exchanging wish lists standard practice in your family.
- âHey, all! [Siblings and/or Partner] and I set up a Giftster group to organize our holiday shopping this year, so weâre going to send everyone invites. If you wouldnât mind taking a minute to fill out a wishlist with a couple things youâre hoping to receive this year, that would be awesomeâwe want to make sure weâre getting yâall gifts you can actually want and use.â