Russell Crowe Is on the Market, and So Are All His Prized Possessions

Russell Crowe is about to finalize his divorce, which he's apparently decided is as good a time as any to take stock of all the weird shit he’s got lying around the house and auction it off to the public. While you’ve been busy not thinking about him, he’s been working with Sotheby’s to turn his split from Danielle Spencer (they were married, they separated, you didn’t notice, it's OK) into an epic sale, complete with a promo poster and an elegant, literary title: "The Art of Divorce."

I've taken the liberty of combing through all 227 items up for grabs and separating the useless junk from what's actually worth bidding on come April 7—if you happen to have a few thousand dollars lying around. Amid all the bougie watches, priceless artwork, and weird cricket gear, Rus is letting go of some real gems—perhaps most notably…

While Denzel, Ridley Scott, Josh Brolin, and RZA ostensibly celebrated after wrapping up American Gangster, Russell Crowe somehow ended up with the seat backs from those fancy chairs all the important movie people get. Sure, lot 36 doesn't really have anything to do with Russell Crowe; but Denzel Washington's BACK actually TOUCHED this thing! Pretty cool.

Spoiler alert: Maximus dies at the end of Gladiator! But Russell Crowe's "important stunt cuirass" from the movie will live on forever, mounted on a mannequin's chest, encased in glass, or worn once or twice on Halloween by whoever's lucky and rich enough to win it at the auction. Crowe poured his heart into that movie, and probably poured a lot of sweat into the ornate, protective, and undeniably badass breastplate pictured above. Honestly, 20 grand would be a steal.

These majestic, curiously gleaming beasts made out of "rubberized material" with textured faux fur look so realistic they could pass for actual stallions, if only their faces weren't petrified in expressions of sheer terror. Aside from all the great gags you could play with these things (think The Godfather, only an entire horse), if you combine them with a few other items up for sale—a fully functioning chariot, aluminum prop sword, and a set of General's Army leg wraps—you could pretty much remake the entirety of Gladiator at home.

Why Muhammad Ali ever made a plaster cast of his face and how the hell Russell Crowe ended up with it I am powerless to explain, but I can tell you this: Crowe got really into boxing after Cinderella Man, and started buying all kinds of weird shit. Remember Cinderella Man? I hope so, because you'll need to in order to appreciate this next item, the ultimate piece of Russell Crowe memorabilia, The Art of Divorce's pièce de résistance—the last, worthwhile thing Crowe dragged out of his attic and slapped a price tag on.

This is it. This is what it's all about.

Russell Crowe, onetime fictional heavyweight champion of the world, pulled this weird leather, protective thong over his crotch, duked it out in the thing for months in front of Ron Howard and Paul Giamatti, and kept it. He kept it. It has to be imbued with some kind of mystical, world-altering power, bestowing upon the wearer the ability to punch with the force of a thousand Joe Fraziers. It is, simply put, the best piece of celebrity memorabilia on the market since Patrick Swayze's G-string.

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