How Long Is Too Long? Dating Post Break-Up.

There are two distinct paths you might get dragged down after a relationship ends: You crumble, isolate and wallow in sadness for months on end, or you hit town on your first night of “freedom”, download every possible dating app and start ploughing your way through your town so you never have to think about spending a night alone. In case we have to say it, neither of these is a great call. 

So where’s the elusive “healthy middle” when it comes to time alone after a break-up. A survey of the VICE office came up 50/50 on whether taking some time out after a relationship was the right thing to do. Most people concluded that it depends on the break-up, which is always the tricky thing about addressing the end of a relationship: every person is different, and no two break-ups are the same, so no advice is gonna be flawless. But how long is too long, and how soon is too soon? 

There are plenty of factors that weigh into why you might take a break from dating/sex/relationships and how long for – so we’ve broken down the big ones worth considering.

ON THE SIDE OF TAKING A BREAK

You’ve basically never been single. 

No one wants to be known as a serial-dater. Maybe you think you're killing the game, but there’s probably a group of people out there, somewhere, rolling their eyes every time you post a picture with a new “better half”. Really, you can only have so many “better halves” before questioning whether you’re just a fraction of the person you should be. 

The issue isn’t with dating lots of people – relationships are wonderful and we’re capable of loving all sorts – but if you’re perpetually locked in what you think is love with someone else, you might’ve missed out on some of the growth you need to do on your own. Especially in your teens and early twenties, some of the most formative years of our lives, full of firsts and fuck-ups. 

We all end up with friends who have been in end-to-end relationships since they were 12 and they go batshit when they’re single for the first time at 29. And it’s not the most fun to do that growing in your late twenties when a lot of people have already done it. 

So if you’re 20 and single for the first time, this might be a great time to make some space for that growth.  

By the time you’re in your 20s, what you want out of love might not be what you thought it was when you were younger.

Learning independence. 

This one is especially applicable to longer-term relationships, because if you’ve been in a partnership with someone for a while it can be really hard to adapt to being on your own again.

Lots of people rush straight into the next thing to avoid loneliness, or because they feel they need support, but taking the time to adjust to being single again is so valuable. 

The reality is that relationships aren’t for everyone and there’s no guarantee we’ll all end up in them. Figuring out how to be independent in your 60s isn’t going to be that fun – ask anyone who’s had a divorce. It’s a huge help in your younger years to be comfortable with the idea you might not meet the “one”. 

And if you do meet people you decide you want to be with romantically, the independence you gain from spending time being single also helps drive your dating decisions. When you know who you are, and what you want and need from other people, it's much easier to make healthy decisions about who you invest your time in. 

Independence isn’t just a whimsical concept either: learning to be independent financially, socially, and with your living situation is all gonna do you good. For years I couldn’t go to the supermarket alone because it made me too nervous. Imagine how many cheese and pesto scrolls I’ve missed out on in my life because of it. Don’t make my same mistake. 

Time to reflect and heal.  

There’s no better time to deal with a break-up than right after the break-up. And this doesn’t mean the work has to start days after the relationship ends – but better now than in 2, 5 or 10 years time when you’ve bottled everything up so bad that unravelling it all becomes an impossible task. 

Friends, family and therapists all get the tick from us – be vulnerable with the people around you who already have your back – but a new potential partner probably isn’t the best person to lean on. Without trying to give you trust issues, a new person might jump on exposed vulnerabilities for their own benefit or tell you what you want to hear, stopping you from doing the work and growing that needs to be done. 

An especially important reason to take time after a relationship is if the relationship has caused you legitimate trauma. Not that a person can or should be “fixed”, but if you enter a new relationship without ever having addressed real harm in a previous one, you’re not giving your new thing its best chance to flourish. You don’t have to be perfect before starting something new, but give yourself the best chance by taking time to heal. 

Your mental health is too important not to be prioritised, so don’t put the pressure on to “get over it” and push aside your long term needs for some short term fun. 

Respect for your ex. 

We’ll keep this short and simple: how would you feel if your relationship with someone ended and they immediately started dating someone else. Sometimes, a brief break in your relationship timeline is just a matter of respect. 

With the way we date these days we don’t always end up leaving a relationship with that much respect for the other person – but having a bit of empathy isn’t gonna do you any harm. 

ON THE SIDE OF GOING WITH THE FLOW 

Maybe the relationship wasn’t that deep.

Again, break-ups are case by case, and a lot of this advice is based on dealing with leaving a situation you were emotionally invested in, like a long-term or intensely involved relationship. But not everything is that deep. Whether it was a fling, thing, regular dating app hookup or friends with benefits vibe, there are plenty of situations where it’s not going to do much damage to you or the other people involved to keep rolling along. 

Even if you were together a while, you might all agree that your relationship was just a bit of fun, and best case scenario you’re not walking away with any scars. 

You met someone unexpectedly.  

Any grandma or married millennial will let you know, love comes when you least expect it. It’s the most annoying thing in the world to be told by someone, until it happens. And then it’s magic. 

Although space can be a really healthy thing, it’s also not a box you need to lock yourself into. If you meet someone really special in the wake of a previous break-up, there’s no need to keep them at an arm's length (unless you feel like there’s a legitimate issue that needs addressing before you can date again, in which case, trust your gut). 

Staying single for a while isn’t supposed to be a test, so if someone is making you happy, go with it. 

You don’t need to ban yourself on principle.

We all have moments where we get a bit heavy on the self-criticism. It’s good to be aware of our less-than-great behaviours, or the ways we may have hurt other people, but not to the point that you stop yourself from seeking out happiness and relationships in your future. The need to self-flagellate or punish yourself can be just as unhealthy as diving headfirst into a new relationship with no self reflection at all. 

You don’t need to ban yourself from getting in a future relationship. 

Maybe you don’t want to date again because you feel someone can’t handle you and your history, or you’re worried you’re a burden. But being in a relationship doesn’t require you to come in as undamaged goods. We’re all damaged and we all know it. Your presence in someone's life isn’t a plague or a curse. Forget the idea that you’re not worth being with and get it in your head that you’ve just as much to give as anyone else.

Putting yourself first. 

You’re you, baby, and you’re allowed to put your own joy first as long as it’s not actively harming others. If a new relationship is the right thing for you, then go for it.  

With all that considered, we’d say, generally, taking a month or two minimum after a break-up is a good idea for anyone. It’s not so long you’re chastising yourself, but it’ll give you enough time to make sure you’re not rushing into something for the wrong reasons. 

You’ve gotta go with your instincts, learn from people around you and, most importantly, learn from yourself.

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

LoveBetter Youthline support channels:

Email: lovebetter@youthline.co.nz

Or rangatahi can text lovebetter to 234

https://check.areyouok.org.nz/

Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa.