Rules for Drinking at a Party

First, get yourself invited to a party. This isn’t hard, as Texans will talk to anyone, especially if you seem lost or confused or simply make eye contact. Middle-aged moms are your best mark, either recent empty-nesters or those looking to set you up with their offspring, as they will have optimal BBQ facilities and the best booze. Just explain that you are new to town and have been dying to try some real Texas home cookin’. If there’s not already a neighborhood hoedown in the works, a properly made hostess will plan one on the spot. And since you’ll be the guest of honor, you’ve got carte blanche to invite all the new friends you’ve made at SXSW. But you must realize that Austinites love to entertain and will gleefully overserve, so you need to prep. The following program just might save you a little heartache and keep you from waking up married to the alternative-music editor of a Cincinnati weekly.

ONE HOUR BEFORE THE PARTY: 1. Eat a couple of tacos with meat or beans and cheese, in a flour tortilla. 2. And eat at least one, but no more than three, pickled jalapeños. This will guarantee you stay sober for at least one 750-mL bottle of booze. I’m not kidding. Pickled japs are the most important part of any Texan’s pre-party preparation. AT THE PARTY: 1. If you start drinking tequila, drink only tequila, same for whiskey and vodka. No beer or wine. No water or juice. Carbonated drinks are taboo. 2. Drink only in shots. Never sip. 3. Eat something immediately after taking a shot that contains the all-important alcohol neutralizers acid and salt. Don’t worry about there not being food at the party; all parties in Texas are BBQs. I recommend the following sequence: - Immediately after taking a shot, suck a wedge of lime.  - Then eat either a radish dipped in salt or a pickled okra. - Next, something with a lot of oil—beef brisket cut from the deckle, if possible. - And if you really have your game on, take a bite of a salad with a heavy mayonnaise dressing. Potato salad with eggs is the best, but some coleslaws can do the trick. Repeat as necessary until desired euphoria is achieved. Remember: acid, salt, oily meat, and eggs. Tennesseans prefer stringy pork in mystery sauce, but it’s a dry-rub beef brisket for professionals.