We Ask People: Is It OK To Block an Ex?

We tend to treat blocking someone like a big deal: There are apps to show you who blocks you, people fly into a frenzy when they realise they can’t access someone’s account, and it’s frequently used as a warning of sorts against bad behaviour. The word “blocked” has become a final seal – or last word – in a relationship or friendship.

But it can also be a helpful tool in moving past an unhealthy or even healthy relationship, and for many people it’s a way of setting themselves up to get through a break-up better.  

It may be a surprise, given that social media blocking is often talked about as one of the most extreme insults of the modern age, but it was almost unanimously agreed upon that it is okay to block an ex – whether that’s to give yourself peace of mind, prevent them from contacting you, or to shut down the temptation to lurk. 

If anything, it's considered more than just acceptable, but encouraged. 

Like most people, I’ve had my own experiences with blocking. I had a miserable relationship with a straggly-haired guy that unsurprisingly led to a less than healthy break-up. Friends told me I had to block him but I thought it was drastic. Occasionally I’d see pictures of him online and I’d feel sick and anxious and angry. But I’d still look.  

Finally, I listened to a friend who said that after every break-up she blocked the person for 30 days, just as a blanket rule to clear her head. I blocked him and I never looked back. It took years, but eventually I realised I was worthy of love and respect again. And I don't know if I’d feel the same now if I hadn’t made that decision. 

Blocking can be so much more than just sending the other person a signal, or trying to show them you're over it. It can be incredibly implemental to healing after a break-up, and if the relationship you’ve ended was dangerous or harmful it can be an absolute must for your mental health and physical safety. 

There’s an argument that the depth or happiness of your past relationship should have an impact on whether you do it. Like, why would you block someone that you loved? But according to relationship expert, Eleanor Butterworth, taking that space after a relationship isn't just reserved for break-ups. 

“Most couples can't transition immediately from a romantic relationship to close friendship.” Butterworth told VICE. 

“Many people don't want – or need – a front row seat to their ex partner moving on without them. This can be true even when we sincerely wish them well.” 

She suggests that if you are on good terms with your ex you can also “let them know you are blocking them, but it isn't personal and it isn't forever.”

As easy as it is to press the button and burn the bridge between you and an ex when it’s on your terms, that doesn’t mean it's easy to swallow when someone does it to you. 

Anyone with a little self-awareness knows that it’s easy to give it out, but taking it is a different story – and if you ever needed evidence of that, you’ve just read it. So if you’re comfortable at the thought of cutting someone else loose for the sake of your own happiness, accept that one day you might be on the receiving end. 

It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, or that you intentionally hurt anyone – your ex is just trying to do what’s best for them. Everyone has different reasons, and they’re mostly justified even if we can’t understand them, so don’t take it personally. 

Butterworth explained that “social media can make having space harder because our ex partner's post break-up life can keep popping up in our feeds, and depending where our own healing is at, it can trigger feelings of loss, loneliness, jealousy or just general curiosity about what they are doing now.”

So don’t be afraid to close that door, and if you find yourself on the wrong side of it, remember that it’s not a big deal to not be able to contact an ex, because what’s the benefit of being able to contact them anyway? Take the time to focus on yourself and forget the bad juju that comes with having photos of them at family Christmas burned into your retina.

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

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Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa. You can find her @rachellydiab on IG and Letterboxd and see her film criticism on Youtube.