All the People You Want to Avoid When You Go Home for the Holidays

It's easy to romanticize the concept of growing up amongst a population of 10,000 when you've moved away and have been living in a major city for a few years. You might even forget that you used to commonly refer to your hometown as an incest-ridden hellhole. Take, for example, when you're having a panic attack about how delayed public transit is on your commute to work during an Uber protest: fantasizing about moving back there to live a simple life where rent is under a grand and you own a car can feel like the aftereffects of a lobotomy. Don't be fooled: it still sucks, and you'll remember that as soon as you start having awkward run-ins with your past. Here's the people you'll want to avoid when you go home (and probably won't).

Your Ex While you're trying to get so drunk you forget where you are, you run into one of your ex's best friends. Forgetting all those times your ex sent love letters to your parents' house long after you broke up or showed up at your dorm building uninvited, you retrieve his new phone number from this dude. When you text him, he immediately answers you and asks if you're drunk, to which you reply, "No, of course not, I just miss you!" Next thing you know, you're sitting on the twin bed where you lost your virginity at his parents' place smoking his weed, listening to Modest Mouse, and watching him as he attempts to hold back tears.

The Porn Star You used to go ice-skating, smoke weed, and take MySpace selfies together after school. Now, she is in your hometown's only try-hard hipster bar spilling Malibu rum cocktails on the floor and telling you about her latest BDSM shoot in which she was hung from the ceiling and penetrated in several orifices. You ask her where to get cocaine, to which she replies, "Hehe. I don't know, I never pay for that shit, I only get it for free!" OK.

The White Guy With Dreads He's one of those guys who's always been in a jam band and inexplicably has dreadlocks even though it's 2015. He's worked at the same coffee shop for the last ten years. When you run into him at your friend's rundown split-level apartment while seshing with one of the only other alternative people left in town—in a dwelling wherein everyone smokes cigarettes inside and you've been offered bath salts before—you observe him scraping resin out of a bong that looks like it hasn't been cleaned in several years. After, he'll play hand drums to any song that comes on, regardless of genre and the fact that no one ever asked him to do so. When you get back to your parents' house later that night, you'll wash your hair at least three times, but it will be days before you get that smell out.

Best Friend's Little Brother There was that one time you accidentally hooked up with him after drinking nearly half a bottle of peach-flavored Ciroc, but shit's been pretty consistent with this dude for the most part: no matter what occasion, he's sitting in his bedroom with his cat yelling aggressively into a headset while playing first-person shooters. He's never had a job or a driver's license, and his highest accomplishments in life are getting Twitter famous for taking selfies with girls' asses and helping you get a bag of white mystery powder that gave you a week-long sinus infection.

Your Worst Enemy from High School When you were a teenager, this girl did everything she could possibly do to ruin your life, including spreading rumors about you having an STI, regularly breaking up your friendships, and fucking your boyfriend who she hooked you up with in the first place. She got into that university theater program you had your heart set on before you truly understood what student debt was, and last you heard, she was supposed to be on one of those reality shows for wannabe Broadway actors. Now she's an alcoholic, supports herself with a sugar daddy, and when you run into her at the only bougie martini bar in town, she acts like you're friends.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Honor Roll Student She was the girl you sat at lunch with who wore glasses, had the highest grades, and possessed the most innocence, always scolding you for skipping class. But in the years since you've seen her, she's apparently discovered MDMA. Now she's dancing like an inflatable tube guy on the bar wearing a crop top and her eyes are rolling back in her head. She doesn't even recognize you when you make a half-assed attempt to say hi as you pass her on your way out of the place.

The Ex-Convict He may have been arrested a few times, but in your heart, you know he's a good guy. Besides, he's way more fun to hang out with than the rest of the people left in your hometown. Even though all his friends have kids now, you can always count on him if you want to have a good time. He took you to your first strip club: it had a dirt floor, a BYOB policy, and a mechanical bull. If that's not friendship, I really don't even want to have friends. That being said, the last time you hung out, you ended up breaking your left hand in a bar fight he started with an ex-cellmate.

The EDM DJ He was a bassist in an alt rock band back when you used to have gym class together, but like the majority of those born in the 90s, he suddenly discovered EDM sometime between graduation and now. When he adds you on Facebook after running into each other in the grocery store, you see a selfie of him with deadmau5 and a bunch of girls in rainbow faux-fur bikini tops; you end up deleting him a couple months later because he won't stop sending you event invites to club nights in Denver.

The New Girlfriend Oh great, your friend from home has a new girlfriend. While you pretend to be excited for him that he thinks he met his soulmate, the idea of gouging your eyes out with a spoon seems slightly more appealing than trying to make small talk with this girl. Apparently you went to high school together (so she says), but despite your abysmally small graduating class size, you cannot remember ever seeing her before. Being one of five people left in town who can be considered "alternative," sometimes you just end up together by default. Next time you're home, she'll be pregnant with their spawn. Congrats!

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