We Review the Hottest In-Store Music Melbourne Has To Offer

You thought Club Angels were confined to the club? You thought wrong, bub. This instalment of our regular Club Angels column, we look at the bangers soundtracking Melbourne's retail lifestyle, from Messina deep house to Coles radio.

The epicentre of Melbourne - it's almost passé to not have tried at least three flavours of gelato from here, really. My favourite thing to do at Messina is to linger the gelato case trying at least five flavours, which equals approximately one free scoop and then moving onto buying two scoops of something I haven't tried. It's the only way to stay relevant in the gelato game. The ambience can be summed up by one colour: burgundy, which can be depressing but goes well with the 80s disco and 90s soul funk they were playing at the time. It was a 35 degree day, but it was also 1pm and I was one of the few deadbeats who had some time to kill at a trendy gelato shop on a Thursday afternoon. At the best of times, Messina plays some chilled out deep house that is un-Shazam-able due to the churners letting out a groan every ten minutes. But if you've ever wanted to feel a part of an exclusive club where trendy hipsters eat Pannacotta flavoured gelato, this is where it all begins and ends.

Try it if: You love long–haired DJs who play only-vinyl sets of rare disco that cost them the equivalent to a down payment on an inner city apartment.

There are few things in life that compare to the dizzyingly boring task of doing grocery shopping, you would think by 2016 we would have evolved past needing to stock up on toilet paper and dry shampoo every week, right? The least we can hope for is that the music being played isn't soul crushing, and to be honest, in the Coles vs Woolworths battle, this is another close call. I went into Coles to stock up on the following: 1 x banana, 1 x heat protecting spray, 1 x anything cute that is on sale. I walked into the store playing Matchbox 20… seriously. I know Coles isn't exactly a melting pot of culture, hot topics and decency but the last thing I wanted to be reminded of is Rob Thomas's saggy, old, racist self, and Coles disappointed me here. The roast chooks are better at Woolworths, and even though they were playing Christmas carols in March (too early or too late, I can't tell), I've made my allegiance.

Try it if: You need somewhere to openly drink alcohol because the proximity to alcohol and open spaces is a good combination, plus it'll help with repressing the god awful music they play

Slogan tshirt mecca. Anxiety inducing Boxing Day Sale crowds all year round. Unbeatable prices. All that and more can be found at H&M. In a weird way, I find a sense of calm amongst all the fur faux and wig adorning mannequins. I low key hang out in the H&M changing rooms and scroll my phone for 30 minutes at a time when I need a place to do nothing in the city. Team that with their brand of pop music that is not quite right for the radio and it makes for an interesting visit. I tried on a bunch of shirts that were emblazoned with slogans like 'No boyfriend? No worries!", "Jealous Much?", "No Hard Feelings' and "La Vie Est, Faite De, Petite, Bonheurs", which probably translates to a pretty fucking inspirational message, I'm sure. I popped Shazam on auto-play, and tried on everything while redoing my makeup and taking butt selfies I never sent to anyone. "Champagne" by August & CRNVL and "Hoops" by Jones all made for an unmemorable and pleasant visit but this bland mix of pop does not for a turnt time make.

Try it if: You like places so crowded they emulate the club, but the similarities end there.

Not many people start a restaurant with the concept of 'glitch hop teamed up with a limited menu of meats' in mind, but you'd be wrong to think it wouldn't work. Meatball and Wine Bar now have three locations (despite settling on a name worse than their music selections) and each of them exclusively play a mix of Flying Lotus, Nosaj Thing, Zomboy and other indistinguishable versions of them on a loop and a little too loud. The food is good, the alcohol is there albeit not at the great prices of BYO or IMB (in my bag) and mostly it's uncomfortable sitting in a dark room eating meatballs screaming over off-kilter beats with someone else. Either you like their food enough to deal with their music or spring for an outdoor table.

Try it if: You still like glitch hop

Is it irresponsible to talk about a store I refuse to go into? Is it irresponsible to sell juices for $15 that would only sell if they were 'pressed' by the feet of God on their way out of Collingwood after blessing it with bicycle lanes, Messina and overpriced vegan tacos? I assume they play something awful, like Johnny Depp's long lost country album or Matchbox 20.

Try it if: You have come into a large inheritance you don't care for.

There are few retail stores that require a trigger warning as much as General Pants does and the anxiety I felt as I stood outside the store, staring at the mountains of denim cut offs was palpable. I was greeted by deep house that was playing at a level Stereosonic would deem 'pushing it' but it didn't stop the shop assistant from giving me a "HI WELCOME, I LOVE YOUR SHOES WHERE DID YOU GET THEM FROM I NEED THEM AHAHA LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED HELP". So with a volume acclimatised assistant hovering behind me, I gazed blankly at the tropical print shirts, crochet halters and rainbow of denim cut offs (no doubt, this is a business that is boom-ing) and stayed in the store for the total of 1 song before I had to get myself out of there. It was inoffensive, generic deep house that juxtaposes nicely against the over zealous General Pants workers that haunt my dreams.

Try it if: A bad acid trip sounds comforting to you.

Kish Lal is one half of Club Angels. Follow her on Twitter.