From 'American Pie' to Pornhub: A Brief History of the MILF

From nurturing attractive mother-figures to busty sex sirens, the fetishisation of older women taps into a once-taboo desire for someone who is simultaneously maternal and sexual. But with the recent MILF renaissance, through TV shows like MILF Manor, has the term garnered a more negative connotation than a positive one? And what do actual MILFs think of this title?

Following its origins in the 1999 teen sex comedy American Pie, the term MILF skyrocketed to notoriety as mother’s everywhere became iconic figures of desire. From Fountains of Wayne’s hit song “Stacey’s Mom” to TV shows like Desperate Housewives, MILFs became ubiquitous in mainstream 00s pop culture, becoming associated with an older, conventionally attractive woman who was immediately more enticing because she also happened to be a mother. Even Fergie released a song literally called “MILF$” later in 2017, proving that yummy mummies were more than just a hot fad. It seemed like everywhere you turned, there was a hot “MILF” on the prowl. Heck, the term even made it into the Oxford English Dictionary in 2008, officially cementing its place in the cultural lexicon.

Of course, the MILF has also become a staple in the world of porn. OG MILF pornstar (and uncanny Sarah Palin lookalike) Lisa Ann has said previously that MILF porn really blew up around 2005, and especially after she released Who’s Nailin’ Palin in 2008. And it only skyrocketed from there, heading to the top place on Pornhub for the first time in 2012. 

A decade later, the term was the third most searched term for the year globally, right behind “hentai” and “Japanese”, according to Pornhub's 2022 Year in Review. In the UK, Canada, and the Netherlands, “MILF” took the number one spot as the most searched term, and was in the top five searches for 16 of the adult site’s top 20 countries. “Mature” was the category viewed the longest at 18 minutes and 41 seconds. So what is it about older women that we’ve come to desire? 

According to sex and relationships scientist Dr. Kristen Mark, the desire for older women can stem from the fact it’s seen as taboo, and sexualisation is where it can get troublesome. “As soon as someone becomes a mother, there’s this idea that it's dirty or bad to still be sexual. But you're still the same person, you just happen to also have a child,” says Mark. “Those roles can coexist – you can still be a sexual being and a mother, and not be fetishised as a ‘MILF’. It's the fetishisation that makes it problematic.”

All this perpetuates an obvious double-standard – where a MILF is fetishised as a fuckable object of desire for young hormone-addled men. On the other hand, a “cougar” is vilified to imply a predatory relationship between an older woman and a young, powerless male victim (it’s giving Hall & Oates’ “Maneater”, IYKYK). Both are equally as sexist. “The terms are still really ruled by the male gaze and the patriarchy, and it's not allowing for room for the woman's agency of who she's interested in,” continues Mark. 

Trevor, an American college student, believes the allure of an older woman is simply that she knows what she wants with no strings attached. “An older woman is good to have sex with and she also doesn’t want a relationship,” says the 23-year-old who asked to be anonymised for privacy reasons, like others in this piece. “She just wants to fuck, which works for young guys because so do we.”

Many women embrace the title despite this, like Lola, a 47-year-old escort and webcam model living in Sweden. “I love that men see me as off-limits and sort of taboo,” she says. “It’s thrilling for me to know that I’m still sexy and desired by men, even though I’m a mother.” Lola feels most empowered by the MILF title when working with younger clients in their 20s. “Of course, I have all ages of men who come to me, but I do have men as young as 23. I think these men keep coming back because they want an older woman to show them how to be a better lover, and this is empowering to me.” she adds. “To be almost 50 and still wanted sexually by younger men – I don’t know what woman doesn't want that, deep down.”

But not everyone does. In fact, aside from being fetishised, a myriad of women argue that the MILF title is also a form of ageism and can be damaging to older women who may feel pressured to live up to unrealistic expectations.

Genevieve, a 55-year-old nurse, has worked in the plastics and cosmetic enhancement industry in both Australia and the U.S. for three decades. She’s seen first-hand the effects of the pressure women feel to stay younger for longer. “We’re so worried about losing our value because we live in a youth obsessed society. This is nothing new,” Genevieve says. “But when you hit a certain age you’re all of a sudden not meant to be a sexual being, and when you’re no longer of child-birthing age your worth as a woman wanes. You’re not seen anymore, you’re basically invisible.” 

Almost every single thing pitched to women around her age, she says, revolves around halting or slowing down the ageing process. With products like age-defying makeup, and buzzwords like “age-appropriate” being thrown around, even if women opt out of having filler or botox, they still can’t escape the pressure. “You’ll be criticised whether you remain natural or prefer to use cosmetic enhancements anyway. At the end of the day, when you reach a certain age and don’t do everything you can to look youthful, you’re left on the scrap heap,” continues Genevieve.

It’s hard not to agree. It feels as if to be visible and valued in society, an older woman must fill, dye, plump, and dress a certain way – and this is only amplified once she’s had children. Hence why the pressure to become a MILF seems to skyrocket. But it can get worse – enter MILF Manor.

For those blissfully unaware of reality series MILF Manor – a cesspool of drama that teeters dangerously on the borders of incest – you’re the lucky ones. It’s the pearl-clutching stuff of nightmares. The raunchy TV show brings eight 40 to 60-year-old women (AKA “MILFs”) to a resort in Mexico, where they hope to find romance with younger men in their 20s. There’s a twist, though. That group of 20-somethings hoping to shoot their shot with a hot MILF? They’re the women’s sons. 

Aside from the perverted challenges (like when the blindfolded men giving each of the blindfolded women a sensual massage, including their own mothers) and the unfavourable critiques (The New Yorker called it a “a new low for reality TV” and the Daily Telegraph said it was “a toe-curling Oedipal nightmare”) it’s the set-up of the show that’s particularly dismal. 

Put it this way, in the midst of celebrity age gap couples receiving public disapproval (i.e. 76-year-old Cher’s new relationship with Alexander Edwards, 36) the societal expectation of older women is they should just accept the ageing process and date someone their own age. With this in mind, the idea that MILF Manor hits out at this expectation by encouraging older women to explore their desire for younger men is almost admirable. But the reality is, sending the women’s sons into the Mexican resort makes a mockery of a woman’s healthy desire for love and sex. It makes ‘MILFs’ look (to use the trendy digital jargon of our era) “icky”.

Even with the cultural rebirth of the MILF, it’s unmistakable that the once-hot title has gone sour – that is, older women are still tied to the idea they’re there to serve men with their unrivalled sexual experience, and that they’re a fetishised object of desire used to meet masturbatory necessities. Sure, some women embrace the title, and others not so much, but there’s no doubt about one thing: Stacy’s mom was more than just a MILF who “had it going on”.

@imphoebeegoroff