Goon is what Australians call boxed wine. In a country where a six-pack of beer costs $20, goon is popular for its affordable cost-to-size ratio (generally one gallon for $7 USD), as well as for its superb alcoholic content (around 12 percent). Because of these numbers, goon's bad flavor and all-round shitty format inspires some devotion. To drink goon is to throw status to the wind and yell, I'm a fun person!
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These are the reasons I wanted a sommelier to help me select the best. Also, despite drinking my fair share of goons, I realized I knew basically nothing about the stuff—history, regions, cocktail ideas—and was struck by an urge to treat it seriously.Banjo Harris Plane is a Melbourne-based sommelier, service director, wine importer, and the restaurant manager at Attica. In 2014, he was named sommelier of the year by both Sommeliers Australia, and The Age Good Food Guide Awards. This made him highly overqualified for the job, but also perfect.
The idea was to do a blind test. We lined up six unboxed bags, and let Banjo test. Then I'd have a taste, because Wednesdays can be slow.
Tangled Vine Estate, Cabernet Merlot
Berri Estates, Fresh Dry White
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I asked Banjo about this and he pointed out that I might not be the goon target market. "They're possibly made for younger people who have just started drinking wine. Also people generally like a bit of sugar. These wines are about trying to cater to average tastes." 5/10
De Bortoli, Premium Cabernet Merlot
Yalumba, Classic Dry White
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I thought it tasted like wine-scented water, which could be a good thing. Also it wasn't so sweet but Banjo nailed it with his "floppy fan-out" statement. Its flavor started sharp but then went flabby, before it disappeared altogether. I gave it a 6.5/10.
Coolabah, Sweet fruity white
Daybreak Estate, Soft Fruity Red
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By the end we both agreed the problem with goon isn't its packaging or two-dimensional complexity. It's that they're all mutilated by sugar. "I've had boxed wines overseas that are amazing," Banjo explained, shaking his head. "I don't know what Australian wine producers are doing wrong." To overcome this problem Banjo recommended drinking them with a few iceblocks, a shot of soda water, or even a hit of vodka. Just anything to take off that sweetness.For this reason his favourites were the ones with less sugar. De Bortoli Premium Cabernet Merlot because "you could actually taste what sort of grapes they'd used." The other was Yalumba Classic Dry White, just because it wasn't that bad. "You know, you could probably put that one in a bottle and people would be none the wiser."Follow Julian on Twitter.Watch the video of Banjo sampling goon. This appears as part of our series exclusive to Facebook, From the Pages of VICE: