Even though monarchy's been dead in the United States since 1776, it's still alive in Kings County (#staywoke), at least in the mind of a few nerds who like arguing about rap. Somewhere in New York, there is a castle, and outside of this castle, the hordes clamor, wishing for clarity about who their ruler is. Who is the King of New York? This is a question that some people have been asking for years and a certain set of New York rappers has been asking with particular intensity since they got butthurt about a Kendrick Lamar verse last summer. Nobody really cares (I think?), but, still, we keep asking.The chief perpetrator in this asking is Papoose, the Bed-Stuy rapper known for rapping his way through the alphabet really well and, more recently, making a bunch of laughably bad diss tracks directed at pretty much everyone who might question the claim that he's King of New York, which is pretty much everyone there is. He had a new opportunity to hold forth on this claim in an article yesterday in the New York Daily News, where he confidently explained that he is better at rap than anyone, including Jay Z, because he has the most lyrical mindset.“Nobody is better than me—Jay-Z, nobody,” he said. “None are more lyrically inclined than me. None of them. I’m definitely the king of New York. I am the greatest out of New York.”Okay, cool Papoose, you may be thinking. That's your opinion, and you're entitled to it. But you know what? Papoose has some motherfucking facts to back this up:“When I look in the mirror, I don’t see Jay Z—I see Papoose.”You cannot argue with that. Papoose sees himself in the mirror. Now, certain naysayers might be inclined to point out that literally anyone looking in a mirror will seem themselves. Others might argue that Papoose seeing himself in a mirror has literally no bearing on his kingship. But here are some possibilities that these people aren't considering:
1. Papoose is expecting to see Jay Z in his mirror because his mirror is, in fact, a magic mirror like the one in Snow White, that shows the King of New York at all times. For years, Papoose has looked into this mirror and seen Jay Z. At one point maybe he saw 50 Cent. Who really knows the mysteries of this mirror? The point is, times have changed, and Papoose has now seen himself. Which can only mean one thing. He has become king.
2. Papoose is expecting to see Jay Z in the mirror because Jay Z is standing right behind him (How did they end up looking in the same mirror? Maybe Papoose was the bathroom attendant at a club where Jay Z was. Who knows?). But what the rest of us haven't realized is that Jay Z is a vampire! He even rapped about having ice cold veins. The warning signs were there, but none of us noticed. Except Papoose. See, obviously in this situation, Jay Z wouldn't have a reflection. And as the person who discovered this supernatural threat, Papoose should be celebrated as the savior of New York and hoisted into the monarchy like the heroes of old.
3. Papoose is expecting to see Jay Z in the mirror because he has a mirror like the one in Harry Potter that shows whatever it is you want most. When other rappers come over to Papoose's house, they see Jay Z in the mirror because, losers that they are, they want to be Jay Z and have his presumed kingship of New York. There might be a few who see an empty throne. Not Papoose, though. Sure, sometimes he sees other stuff he wants, like a pile of #bars for him to devour, but mostly he just sees his regular reflection. The one thing Papoose wants is to be King of New York, so the one thing he sees is himself, since he is King of New York. Obviously Papoose would see himself in this mirror. It's weird that other rappers don't.
4. The mirror means nothing but is, in fact, an elaborate ruse to distract us from Papoose's real power grab. Don't get distracted by the mirror. Don't take your eyes off the throne. The Nacirema Dream has been denied to us, and the only thing that can set the world order back on track is the leadership of a benevolent monarch…Kyle Kramer firmly believes in magical mirrors. He's on Twitter - @KyleKramer.
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