Priest covering "Johnny B. Good." This basically proves my point, so feel free to skip the rest of the article if you want.Welcome to our newest column, Point/Counterpoint, where we prove to the rest of the Internet that we are smarter and more right than any other editorial outlet on planet earth. We know these dudes who run a metal site called MetalSucks that people seem to like, so we challenged them to an editorial cagematch. The rules were simple: two blogs enter, one blog leaves. This week we're facing off over heavy metal covers. We personally think that metal bands, on the whole, produce awful, dog-doo, garbage covers. For some reason, MetalSucks doesn't agree with us. You can read their wholly illegitimate response right here.I love Anthrax! The way they always deliver the unexpected, for better or worse, is refreshing in a world of predictable, consumerist metal. Even their covers EP Anthems was unexpected. Why? Because itâs good. Iâm not saying I expected it to be disappointing, but the band did what most artists completely fail to do when they cover songsâthey made tunes by Cheap Trick, AC/DC, Boston, Rush, and others sound recognizable but updated and undeniably cool.Of course, this isnât an Anthrax review. Itâs a lament that most metal bands who release covers should have thought twice before hitting record. Most metal covers suck.Yes, there are exceptions: Killswitch Engageâs âHoly Diver,â Judas Priestâs âThe Green Manalishiâ (originally by Fleetwood Mac), Panteraâs âPlanet Caravan,â and anything Metallica covered before 1989. Considering the vast volumes of vomit-inducing covers, the odds stack strongly against metal bands taking on material by other groups. Face it, most metal covers blow. There are several reasons for this, and I'd like to share them with you right now.MOST METAL SINGERS ARE BAD SINGERSThereâs nothing worse than hearing a band play a tight, heartfelt version of their favorite song and then have it ruined the second the vocalist opens his mouth. Say what you want about the guitar talents of Children of Bodomâs Alexi Laiho, hearing his shrill caterwaul atop songs by the Scorpions or John Fogerty makes me want to sharpen the butt end of a spoon and jam it through my eardrums. Atreyu haters are everywhere anyway, so Iâm sure Iâm not offending anyone by saying their cover of Bon Joviâs âYou Give Love a Bad Nameâ made a bad song infinitely worse. And while some have praised Gravewormâs version of Iron Maidenâs "Fear of the Dark," the cloying singingâwhich sounds like itâs coming from a corpse with a mouthful of dirtâtotally discredits the mournful violins of the intro.EMULATION IS THE MOST SINCERE FORM OF BOREDOMWhen Sepultura covered Celtic Frostâs âProcreation of the Wickedâ on Roots they did so effectively it didnât offer anything new to the song. Another solid band, Trivium, recorded a faithful version of Metallicaâs âMasters of Puppetsâ for Kerrang presents Remastered, but vocalist Matt Heafy didnât even sound like himself. He literally channeled the voice of James Hetfield. Even the lead was practically indistinguishable from Metallicaâs original album cut; Iâd rather play on the original, which I have more than practically any other metal song ever, with the exception, perhaps, of Acceptâs âFast as a Shark." That wacky polka intro always makes me giggle. And while many have praised Type O Negativeâs cover of âBlack Sabbathâ Peter Steeleâs whispered reinterpretation of Ozzyâs eerie vocals, the end results are just silly (though Iâd like to think Peter saw the humor value in the bandâs sinister take on the song.METAL BANDS SHOULD LEAVE IRONY TO THE INDIE ROCKERSWhen metal bands doing covers arenât trying to one-up a great tune or create a note-for-note facsimile, theyâre usually trying to show how witty they think they are. Limp Bizkitâs version of George Michaelâs âFaithâ is probably the ugliest example of this in the history of music, but there are others by real metal bands. Fear Factoryâs cover of Gary Numanâs âCarsâ rocketed them into near-mainstream status, but it was a novelty song to begin with, and to hear a brutal cyber-metal band pay sincere homage to a cheesy 80s hit makes me nauseous. Orgy are even more guilty of cover desecrationâthey ruined the only good song New Order ever wrote, âBlue Monday.â As great as the Deftones are (which is very, very, very great in my humble estimation) they made me want to create a bonfire out of Around the Fur and White Pony when they released the album Covers, which featured songs by the Smiths, Sade, Duran Duran, and others.EVEN EXPERTS HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUTI love Metal Hammer UK. I like their web site and the magazine is top notch as far as UK metal mags go. Yet when I glance at the Top 100 Metal Covers piece they posted in 2011, I was left scratching my head. Just looking at their top 10 was confusing. Panteraâs âHole in the Skyâ is number one and thatâs not nearly as good as the aforementioned âPlanet Caravan.â Metallicaâs âStone Cold Crazyâ falls into our previous category of rare, cool covers. Megadethâs âAnarchy in the UKâ ruins the guitar line, adds unnecessary squiggly leads, and replaces the snootiness of the Sex Pistolsâ original with a tougher-than-thou façade. Next. Judas Priestâs âJohnny B. Goodeâ is just silly. Faith No Moreâs âEasyâ is killer, but Faith No More were never a (typical) metal band, so I donât count that. Anthraxâs âAntisocialâ (originally by Trust) is almost as good as their rendition of Elvis Costelloâs âGot the Time,â (refer to opening graph about Anthrax ruling). Arch Enemyâs âAces Highâ sounds fine until the low, grunting vocals come in and then youâre left with a glaring example of a band that shouldnât emphasize how shitty itâs singer is. Of course Zakk Wylde rules but how can anyone go wrong with a cover of Black Sabbathâs âThe Wizard.â See category 2. Black Sabbathâs actual âEvil Womanâ comes in at number nine. Damn, if we didnât think that was an original; obviously itâs not, itâs by Crow and the Sabbath version is better than the original. So that oneâs a winner. And finally Cancer Bats cover of Beastie Boysâ âSabotageâ wraps up the top 10. While the video for the song is great, the cover falls under both categories 2 and 3 and therefore falls flat. Besides Cancer Bats never wrote an album was worth listening to in its entirety. So, I score Metal Hammerâs list at about 40 percent, which is a clear F in anyoneâs book, even with a bell curve.MetalSucks doesn't agree with us, and you might like their argument if you like things in the world that are wrong. Read their wholly illegitimate response here.
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