People Tell Us What They Did to Stay Happy After Being Broken-Up With

When a relationship ends it’s easy to feel like you’ve lost more than just the person you were with. When your identity is so wrapped up in someone else, as it often can be even in a healthy relationship, a break-up can feel like a genuine loss – of yourself, your stability, your future, your mutual hobbies and friends.

This is why it’s so important to treat a break-up seriously and care for yourself in the wake of it –  like you would with any other injury or experience of grief.

VICE spoke to 3 people who recently found themselves newly single about how they handled the post-break-up hole and stayed happy. 

VICE: What was your relationship like?

Rawiri: This was the first girlfriend I ever had, the first proper relationship. And I was definitely pretty head over heels for her. I was definitely in love with her, I think she was in love with me, too.

But it was also long distance for most of it, which is like another weird dynamic. I think that kind of helped. When we did spend time together, it was more precious. But because of the long distance there were some patches of bad communication and jealousy. And like, Who's this girl you're hanging out with, or, Who's that guy that I'm always seeing you with, blah, blah… But yes, overall it was a pretty positive relationship.

How did you end up breaking up?

I went and stayed with her over the summer, which was the first time in a while that we were just full time in each other's spaces for longer than two weeks. And I think that was quite a big shock for both of us. We were just fighting a lot and had both sort of realised we were kind of going different directions.

I think I was just trying to hold on because… I didn’t think we were in love anymore, but I didn't want to not be with her. She was sort of the one that was brave enough to be like, This needs to stop, for both of us.

So yeah, we called it quits. 

What did you do in the immediate aftermath of the break-up to deal with it?

I was pretty shattered by her ending things but at the same time I was sort of always adamant about being friends with her afterwards, I just needed some time. And she wanted to do that as well, so was happy to give me that space.

So I unfriended her and unfollowed her. I didn't block or anything, but I just like, needed to not see her for a bit and focus on myself and focus on just being me again. I mean, when we first broke up I just was drinking all the time, taking lots of drugs, doing that dumb stuff… Which, y’know, don't do that. I just needed a lot of space and a lot of time to figure myself out. I knew I still wanted her in my life, it was just gonna take me some time to quell the feelings I had for her romantically. 

She called me like three months in being like, Hey, are you okay? I really want to see you again, sort of thing. And I was like, Now’s not good, I’m not good, let’s try again later. And it was sort of just that until the six month mark where I realised Hey, I'm okay. And I felt fine about seeing her and hanging out with her in a friendship capacity.

So that was cool that she was patient enough to let me have that time. And I'm pretty happy with myself for being like, She's an awesome person, she doesn't want to be with me anymore and that doesn't mean she's an asshole.

What kept you happy during that time you were focusing on yourself?  

I think really dialling into what I wanted to do. It’s not about being selfish, but I wasn't in a relationship anymore, so I could fully pour all my energy into myself. 

I did a lot of exercise, like I was running quite a lot. And then hanging out with my family and friends, which is so corny, whatever… But also diving back into my hobbies, like art, and writing and painting and all that sort of stuff. Figure out what you love doing and take all the energy that you were pouring into your relationship and channel it into that.

Also having the mindset, and this is maybe kind of cynical but it’s actually really helped me, that she either will be just another person in my past or we’ll be friends again. Those are the only two options. So that was weirdly comforting for me when I was going through the break-up.

Do you have any advice on how to stay happy for someone else going through a break-up? 

My advice would be if you've been dumped, figure out if you want that person in your life or not, and then go from there. But then you also have to realise that they also have the same choice, so if they don't want you in their life anymore you kind of just have to take that on the chin. But then if they do, there will be boundaries and rules that you have to respect.

VICE: Can you tell me a little bit about the relationship? Was it a good one?

Alex: Great relationship. We fell in love immediately. We were living together for three years. Had heaps of fun together. But we went through lockdown living together and then there was a traumatic death in the family for my partner. The last 18 months of it were very emotionally challenging. But overall, net positive, beautiful relationship.

How did the break-up go?

It was mutual. He initiated it… But he was kind of shocked by it? But it was expected for me. We'd agreed that when we first met that neither of us wanted children. And then after the family death happened for him, that kind of changed his perspective on life and family and everything. And he was slowly starting to realise that he wasn't ready to give up the possibility of having children.

We had two massive conversations about it. The second one was the one that ended in a break-up. And like, because we'd already had the first conversation, like a month earlier, I kind of knew that the break-up was coming.

How have you kept yourself happy and feeling healthy mentally?

I've been through two break-ups in the past where I was like, blindsided, and I was heartbroken. But this time because there was a bit of a build up to it which allowed me to start processing before we actually broke up. 

When it did eventually happen, because I'm someone who struggled with anxiety a lot and struggled with negative self-talk, I’d already spent a lot of time trying to unlearn this negative self-talk stuff. And I think I used those practices in the break-up as well.

It's like any time doubt and fear and sadness and things like that come into my mind, I'm not blocking those feelings, I'm acknowledging them as soon as I feel them, and then I’m like, What is one positive thing in my day? My heater is cranking and I'm really cosy or I'll have a shower, and I'll be like, This feels so good right now. I'm really actively trying to focus on small positive things. 

And like, it's not about not letting myself feel sad. It's just like, the sadness isn't serving me. It sounds really obvious but it is actually really hard to focus on the positives. I think it's a mindset thing. It takes a lot of willpower to reframe your thinking. 

Are there any practical things you’ve done?

I've been incredibly social. I mean, I am an extrovert, I was always very social. But now, one of the positives of being single is I really can do whatever I want. My partner would never restrict anything that I'm doing, but it is just an extra step when you're with someone to consider them. 

So I've been embracing that. Seeing my friends all the time, making new friends, being very open to new experiences. Any time I meet someone that I like, in friendship, in any way, I’ll just message them the next day being like, Hey, what are you up to? You wanna grab a beer? That's just worked so well for me. And I wouldn't have done that as much had I still been in a relationship.

Do you have any advice for people going through a break-up? 

That whole lame quote of like, Don't be sad it's over, be happy it happened, or whatever... And like, Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all… That is definitely my mindset. This sounds wanky, but I'm so lucky to have fallen in love.

That is so insanely special and I try to think about it in those terms rather than focusing on all these things that are missing or all these things that I'm not going to have now.

I'm constantly moving forward. Recognising that opportunities are coming up and being grateful for the opportunities that I've had. And like what an amazing life experience that I've already had, because of this other person and because of losing this other person. Yeah, it’s cool.

In a relationship for 4 years. 

VICE: What was your relationship like?

Gabriella: It was a very positive one, we were very much in love. We were friends first and then we started dating. We lived together, we had a cat together. It's like the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. 

So why did you break-up? 

It was a bit of a long time coming. We probably had two or three months where it was pretty rocky and it basically came down to things like working hours and stress. Casey* ended up becoming very focused on her job and couldn't put any effort into the relationship. We just ended up getting really angry with each other a lot of the time and not communicating very well anymore. And we both kind of had one foot out the door. And then Casey was like, I'm gonna take my other foot out the door. I was like, What the hell, I've still got one foot in here. I thought we could work through it but she didn’t want to.

What did you do to stay happy after the break-up? 

Yoga is the only form of exercise that I enjoy, so I've done a lot of yoga.

I am super extroverted and I don't really like being alone a lot, so I leant really heavily on my good friendships. I would either stay with a different friend every night or I'd be with a friend for dinner, or I'd be on the couch, and they’d just be rubbing my head when I cried. Yeah, just really, really using my support systems as much as I possibly could.

I also really had to pour love back into myself. Obviously, you still put it into my friendships and nurture those. But the love that I was putting into my relationship I was like, time to put that into me. So it's really nice to think, Oh, I could buy Casey flowers and then be like, Oh, I could just buy them for me now. If I was like, Oh, I think they'd like this movie, I'd be like, What movie do I want to watch? Any of the little things that I would typically have done for my partner, I get to do for me instead. 

What’s your advice for other people going through a break-up?

I feel like I kind of compare myself when I think about Casey and where she's at, and I think it's really helpful to try and challenge that thought and be like, it actually doesn't matter where Casey’s at, it's not about Casey. This is about me and myself and where I'm at and what I'm doing. 

One of the biggest things as well is time. You just don't feel like yourself after a break-up and you’ve got to give yourself so much time to just sit with this weird new person who you are. And I think, don't make choices or big decisions during that time. For maybe a month and a half afterwards, just don't make a single choice. Buying a flight to Europe? No. Don't act out of gut. Don't act out of instinct. Just don't make big choices. 

Finding your happiness after a break-up will look different for everyone – It doesn’t just mean doing yoga, learning a new instrument or re-invigorating your social life. You might already have made some mistakes or said something you regret, but the choice to stop yourself in those tracks is the positive change that you need. 

The key part of it is consciously keeping afloat – not allowing yourself to indulge in sorrow, self-hate and destructive behaviour, but actively seeking out the things that give you some peace and clarity. 

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

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Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa. You can find her @rachellydiab on IG and Letterboxd and see her film criticism on Youtube.