Generally speaking, sex is quite nice. People seem to like putting their mouths on vaginas, putting their dicks in asses, putting their skin on other people's skin. And I get it. Kissing a sweaty person when they are a little bit salty? That's the best. Looks good, feels good, smells sort of okay. T'is a fiesta for the senses.Objectively though, it doesn't taste great. That's just a fact, my friend. For example, if you were served a dish at a restaurant that tasted like someone's vagina, you probably wouldn't say, "Delicious! Compliments to the chef!" In fact, you'd probably be thinking, Something's gone very, very wrong in this kitchen.
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What if sex could be both fun and conventionally delicious? That might well be the whole premise of flavoured lube. But does flavoured lube actually taste good? Is there a lube you could plate up in front of the MasterChef judges and tell them, with tears in your eyes, "This is me on a plate."
PIÑA COLADA
CANDY CANE
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Best of all: You could have this fall out of your bag and roll the entire length of a restaurant without anyone being the wiser, because it looks like a Glossier face mist. Cute.Serving suggestion: Christmas Eve, with somebody you really love. It's a lube that says, "You're not a novelty to me, baby."Rating: 8/10. Tasty, classy, tingly.
SALTED CARAMEL
PASSIONFRUIT
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Packaging: This is made by the same company as the Piña Colada lube, so its packaging is almost identical. And yet, somehow… it's less offensive. I think because it's hot pink. It looks trapped-in-the-80s in a cute, gaudy way. Not a sad, my-band-did-not-end-up-changing-the-face-of-music-so-I-make-my-kids-busk-in-the-cbd-instead way.Serving suggestion: This is for festival sex. It really is destined to be used in a tent.Rating: 7/10. Because passionfruit UDLs are, in a word, bellissima.