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Here's Why Foxygen Sucks

The Beatles. The Rolling Stones. Bob Dylan. T. Rex. The Modern Lovers. The Velvet Underground. Foxygen. One of these things is not like the others.

Drew Millard

Drew Millard

The Beatles. The Rolling Stones. Bob Dylan. T. Rex. The Modern Lovers. The Velvet Underground. Foxygen. One of these things is not like the others. By now, you surely have heard of Foxygen, those young, pretty Californians whose album We Are the 21st Century Masters of Peace & Magic has taken the world of indie rock by - the world’s most pointless - benign storm. They are to still-cool classic rock what Macklemore is to stuff that came out on Rhymesayers from 1998 to 2004: nothing more than a copy of a copy of a copy of a good and obvious thing. Foxygen is a band that lacks any sort of intrinsic value. They might as well be called Poopygen, because they are sonic poop, a pair of vapid fuckbongs who bring absolutely nothing to the table. They are pastiche, and not in a fun way. Foxygen is the suckiest band of all time, and here’s why.

Ben Shapiro, Editor-In-Chief of this fine website, thinks that Foxygen ~TOTES ROOLZ~. Read his argument for Foxygen's supreme greatness here.

THE POINT OF FOXYGEN IS TO REMIND YOU OF SHIT YOU ALREADY LIKE

There’s a reason that bands are still ripping off Electric Warrior after so many years, and it’s because that album is perfect. In theory, shit that reminds you of shit you already like is awesome. It’s way easier to jump find points of association if a band lays them out for you, and in the best case scenario (such as that of LCD Soundsystem), half of the fun is picking out what they’re culling from. The unfortunate truth of Foxygen is that they’re an IRL Tumblr, simply reblogging cool stuff with absolutely no originality while rendering themselves one degree removed from true music quality. If you like new things, your only choice is to hate Foxygen.

FOXYGEN ARE TOO CUTE FOR THEIR OWN DAMN GOOD

I mean this both in the sense of Foxygen knowing how much they’re getting away with (They’re young! But they could have existed in 1974! That one kid rips off lots of old singers and generally hams it up!) and also being a bunch of twee-looking 20 year-olds. When you’re a label and you’re dealing with a vaguely talented band, you need at least one hot one or else no one will care. Don’t blame me, it’s just the Secret Illuminati Laws of the record industry. And science. Anyways, both of the dudes in Foxygen look like they were shat out of a Wes Anderson movie, and it’s terrible.

THEY SEEM LIKE IDIOTS

Now I know that interpretation lies within the listener and that artistic intent is ultimately the last thing that you’re supposed to consider when assessing a piece of music, but with the way that publicity firms and music blogs foreground “narrative” when selling the public a piece of music, that’s just impossible. There is no way a band with any sense of self-awareness and intelligence would sing, “Maybe in space there’s an alien race,” or just yell “Fish man!” on one of their songs. Only Foxygen would do this, and that is because Foxygen sucks. Would you play this for your stern but loving father? Fuck no, because he would call it (and you) stupid, and then tell you he loves you. Foxygen’s stupidity is also why you couldn’t have sex to them.

THIS INTERVIEW THEY DID WITH PITCHFORK CONFIRMS THAT THEY’RE REALLY FUCKING DUMB

Here are some choice quotes from Foxygen’s interview with Pitchfork that definitively prove that they’re gigantic idiots and therefore their music sucks, wholly and absolutely. I have added some Rap Genius-style annotation to them to explain why they suck.

—“We're very disillusioned; we can't relate to modern music very well. I don't even know any new bands…Maybe we're not intentionally trying to make something original.Obviously, Foxygen knows new bands. They’re a buzz band and have played CMJ and SXSW and festivals and shit. They have definitely at least met Parquet Courts, who do what they do except better and with more originality and wit. Wait actually, Parquet Courts is nothing like Foxygen because Foxygen sucks and they don’t.

—“It sounded more like a bunch of little kids making music, like Flaming Lips or Beck, just super ADD and experimental.” Wait, that’s your conception of an experimental band? I’m a fucking rap writer and even I’ve listened to Boris at this point. Step your game up, Foxygen.

—“It's just meant to sound offensive or controversial.” Sam France on the DEEP MEANING behind his lyric, “There’s no need to be an asshole, you’re not in Brooklyn anymore.”

—“I'll probably cringe when I read this interview.” Yes.

In closing, fuck Foxygen, listen to Parquet Courts, and Ben Shapiro is wrong but you can read why he loves Foxygen here.

Drew Millard hates everything. He's on Twitter - @drewmillard

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