Logging On to the Dark Carnival

I’m a giant fan of the Insane Clown Posse. I’m not a Juggalo, but I’ve bought the records, gone to the shows, and even painted my face. ICP shot glasses? Check. Memorized lyrics to 90% of their discography? Check. Card-carrying member of their online social network? As of this weekend, check.

Check this shit out: JuggaloBook is a new social network exclusively for those who are “down with the clown.” This is not a joke.

JuggaloBook's nearly unusable homepage.

This weekend I decided to sign up, because why the fuck not, right? I found the site about as user friendly as a lead-filled oven mitt. It was usually almost completely unresponsive, but that hasn't stopped rabid Juggalos from signing up in droves. There are already almost 10,000 members online.

Check out some of the amazing ICP-inspired twists: you don’t “like” a post, you “Whoop Whoop!” it. Your “friends” are “homies,” and you identify yourself as a Juggalo, Juggalette, or Juggalo (Female). Gender equality is alive and well on JuggaloBook.

After about 10 minutes on the site I learned that it’s basically a horny teenager’s cough syrup-induced daymare. Everyone is looking to sext immediately, and they’re very liberal with providing personal cell numbers to strangers—within 20 minutes of registering, I received a homie request and a message from a homely Juggalette. She told me she had to “put her kids to bed, but feel free to text me.” She then gave me her actual cell phone number.

I decided it was time that I jumped in fully, so I nerdily introduced myself on the homepage chatroom. “Hi! I’m Tommy, and I’m new here. What’s up ya’ll?” One person mistyped my name as Timmy, which sparked an onslaught of South Park references that lasted the better part of an hour. Once the “Timmay” jokes subsided, the conversation returned to the site’s basic mainstays: sex, weed, and shockingly intimate confessions. Here are some of my favorites:

• “When I told my ex-bf the kid was his, he deleted me and we haven’t spoke since”
• “So irritated with people at the minute, mom was a bitch the other day and hit me in the chest… now I cant breathe well."
• “Nazi stuff can be fun!”

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to scrub off the layer of filth this experience has coated me with. Nothing about JuggaloBook was fun; it was simply a bunch of whacked-out Midwesterners collectively losing their shit. Me and my laptop need an immediate chemical peel.