What Your Guitar Says About You

Picking a guitar is a big decision. In addition to considerations about tone and playability, you're also making a statement about how you want to be perceived onstage whether you're using a Paisley telecaster or one of those Goth edition Gibsons (and no doubt you'll get made fun of for either of those by most people). Before you lay down a couple grand on your dream guitar, read through this column so you don't make a horrible mistake.

There's no question that Gretsch makes beautiful guitars and their Semi-Hollowbodies are incredibly light while still giving you something substantial to hold onto. That said, unless your name is Brian Setzer (who has his own signature model complete with dice-styled knobs), this is a tough axe to pull off. If you restore classic Coca-Cola machines and have a flawless pompadour, this is the axe for you—however if you just drink a lot of Coke that your mom keeps in the garage you may want something a little less flashy for now.

Gibson Les Pauls are made out of mahogany which means they are heavy in every way from their physical weight to the aggressive tone you're able to coax out of those Humbucklers. As someone who has played one of these beasts for the past decade I will say that one thing you should consider before getting one is your posture (unless you can track down a Studio Lite). If you don't mind sacrificing some spinal curvage down the road for your killer tone now, go for it. If you do, you have plenty of other options.

Remember in Wayne's World how the Fender Stratocaster was portrayed as the Holy Grail of rock guitars? In many ways it is—everyone from Jimi Hendrix to Jeff Beck to Eric Clapton—have utilized this classic axe, but if you're playing heavy music it's often not the best choice due to the pickup configuration and weight. The Fender Strat essentially says that you're a lover of the classics and, chances are, you own at least one Deep Purple album. Unless you've got a Squire, which means either you're still in high school or really cheap.

The SG is a polarizing guitar that was popularized by AC/DC's Angus Young. Like the band's music, the guitar is a no-frills axe that isn't incredibly complex but is solid and dependable. If you like this guitar, chances are you show up to work on time, don't have a lot of debt and possibly have a schoolboy outfit in your closet. However ,we would recommed trying to see if you can dig up a vintage one as the craftsmanship on Gibsons has really gone downhill in the past for years, especially when it comes to the paint jobs. Just don't give it your own "custom" paint it yourself unless your name is Ben or Jerry.

While the Gibson Explorer is another iconic Gibson model, chances are if you own the similarly shaped ESP EX, version you're a major Metallica fan. This is because James Hetfield helped make this guitar famous and you can see him using one with the ultra clever phrase "EET FUK" in classic footage. Basically, if you have this guitar, you probably would love to trade lives with James Hetfield and you probably are also that guy who is constantly defending Load and Reload to his friends saying they "really aren't that bad." We also hope that we never have to hang out with you. Sorry.

If you own this guitar, chances are you don't play a lot sitting down ,for starters. A recent review of the American version of the guitar on a retail site explained, "I can do some Gilmour and some Jimmy Page and even Johnny Marr, but Randy Rhoads: I'm not…but this guitar certainly helps." If you like flashy techniques such as finger-tapping and sweep-picking, by all means get behind this pointy piece. However if your playing style is a little more subdued, you may want something a little less dramatic. Also we should add that the odds of the Smiths reuniting are far higher than Johnny Marr ever picking one of these guitars up.

Jonah Bayer built his guitar out of his judgment of you. Follow him on Twitter - @mynameisjonah