Since Rihanna got kicked off Instagram, which is the worst thing to ever happen in the history of celebrity social media, it’s been slim pickings out there. Rihanna satisfied just about every user, mood and personality type; she was fun, sexy, and entertainingly narcissistic. She had a social media presence like no other pop diva. In the wake of our loss, we've begrudgingly had to follow other music celebrities—because without them our feeds would just be dogs, cats, sad food pics and wedding pics of people you don't know and don't care about.I’ve psychoanalysed the crap out of your favored Instagram pop lady to follow. Because you know, you can tell everything you need to know about a person by their Instagram likes. And for those of you who don’t know (because I know some of you don’t), everyone can see what you like on Instagram. YES I KNOW YOU JUST LIKED YOUR FRENEMY/EX BOYFRIENDS/FAVORITE PORN STAR/EVERY SINGLE ONE OF LEBRON’S PHOTOS. I SEE YOU AND SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE. And we’re judging you. Poorly, obviously. See if you fit into any of my wildly generalized but definitely true stereotypes and try not to be too offended.
Beyoncé
Photo via InstagramYou’re probably passive aggressive and jealous. You want to hang out at the top, but only so you can see your idols fall. 50% of Beyoncé fans lived for the moments when Solange kicked the shit out of Jay Z in an elevator or the many times when Bey has been caught photoshopping her thighs. The other 50% are the kind of people who say “Everything happens for a reason” and actually mean it, and aren’t just using it as a way to fob off their crying friend. You truly believe in Beyoncé the way Beyoncé believes in Beyoncé, in an “I Was Here” way, like she’s the messiah and everything that has ever happened in the history of the world since time immemorial has happen to lead us to this moment—where it’s our sole duty to support her in her journey to leave some profound Beyonce shaped ass print on the world. You also read BuzzFeed.
Nicki Minaj
Photo via InstagramYou get it. You like what you like, and you’re comfortable enough with that to like things un-ironically. Or you’re just a super horny person who’s attracted to women and your SO banned you from looking at porn and this is your way of bending the rules ever so slightly and not enough to get into trouble. We would probably be friends.
Jennifer Lopez
Photo via InstagramYou like spray tanning and shows that are singing competitions.
Madonna
Photo via InstagramYou wish they had Instagram in 1984 and think t-shirt that say “Boss Bitch” or “MILF” are awesome to wear. You’re also probably my mom’s divorced friend Belinda who likes to drink shandies, shop at Topshop and pretend she’s still eighteen. Otherwise you’re Belinda’s aging but still fabulous, wears an earring in the gay ear, gay BFF.
Miley Cyrus
Photo via InstagramYou live in Bushwick, probably color your eyebrows in with a green pencil, have at least one item of clothing with a marijuana leaf on it, and buy devotional candles from the 99 cent store on Knickerbocker. You never “like” a single one of Miley’s photos though, because she’s your dirty little secret and you don’t want your friends to see your likes come up in their following feeds. Joke’s on you: they all follow Miley too.
Katy Perry
Photo via InstagramYou’re always having some kind of identity crisis, always trying to keep up with the cool kids even though you’re a teeny bopper at heart. Yeah, I said teeny bopper. You’d be better off giving up the trendy shtick and just doing you, even if that involves dresses that have cupcakes printed all over them.
Iggy Azalea
Photo via InstagramYou’re mostly normal, although your one quirk is that you think, if given the chance, your favorite celebrities would definitely be friends with you. You often read things celebrities say and vocalize sentiments like “Oh my God, that’s like, exactly the same thing I think!” You also choose your favorite celebrities based on how normal and accessible they seem. Australians are meant to be nice, right? Iggy probably knows all the best parties. Sigh.
Ariana Grande
Photo via InstagramYou’re either an elderly male peadophile or a 20-something woman with a sorority girl name like Tiffany who likes flavored latte from Starbucks. You carry your handbag in the crook of your arm like you’re an Olsen twin from 10 years ago and you’re going to be whatever kind of sexy animal wears thigh high fishnets at Halloween. Either way you’re the fucking worst.Kat George will be your new favorite person to follow on Instagram - @kat_george.
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Photo via InstagramYou like spray tanning and shows that are singing competitions.
Photo via InstagramYou live in Bushwick, probably color your eyebrows in with a green pencil, have at least one item of clothing with a marijuana leaf on it, and buy devotional candles from the 99 cent store on Knickerbocker. You never “like” a single one of Miley’s photos though, because she’s your dirty little secret and you don’t want your friends to see your likes come up in their following feeds. Joke’s on you: they all follow Miley too.
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Photo via InstagramYou’re mostly normal, although your one quirk is that you think, if given the chance, your favorite celebrities would definitely be friends with you. You often read things celebrities say and vocalize sentiments like “Oh my God, that’s like, exactly the same thing I think!” You also choose your favorite celebrities based on how normal and accessible they seem. Australians are meant to be nice, right? Iggy probably knows all the best parties. Sigh.
Photo via InstagramYou’re either an elderly male peadophile or a 20-something woman with a sorority girl name like Tiffany who likes flavored latte from Starbucks. You carry your handbag in the crook of your arm like you’re an Olsen twin from 10 years ago and you’re going to be whatever kind of sexy animal wears thigh high fishnets at Halloween. Either way you’re the fucking worst.Kat George will be your new favorite person to follow on Instagram - @kat_george.