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Music

What Not to Do on Stage

Don't be a dick.

As you already know, playing in a band can be a great way to meet new people, explore the country, and create art that occasionally other people will care about, too. That said, despite the power of the internet, there is no substitute for performing live—and chances are, you're going to learn a lot of lessons on the road, generally when the only other people watching you are other bands on the bill that night. Most of these should be common sense but we've seen all of the rules below get broken so many times that we thought we would make it extra clear what you should avoid if you want a lasting career. It's your job to take it from here.

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Don't Get Too Drunk to Play

A few drinks can help you loosen up before a show but it's a very fine line and too many drinks can do far more harm than good. Just check out the video of Slash above, blowing the intro to "Welcome To The Jungle" in front of an arena full of fans. Let's face it, even if you're going to see the hardest partying band in rock, their offstage irresponsibility shouldn't carry over into their live sets. Still we have to admit that we're glad this document exists if only for the priceless faces everyone else in the band is making in disbelief.

Don't Fight Your Bandmembers On Stage

Tensions run high when you're spending a lot of the time on the road, especially when you're dealing with big personalities. The right way to deal with this is offstage, not in the middle of a song as Marilyn Manson does when he provokes John5 in this clip. That said, there are few things funnier than grown men in Halloween make-up and Mickey Mouse ears trying to intimidate each other during a song that used to get played on MTV between clips by Third Eye Blind and The Fugees. In case you were wondering, we've got our money on Manson.

Don't Act Like A Toddler

We know that set times can be frustrating. But the way not to deal with it is stopping a song that people love right in the middle and then complaining about it by dropping a slew of profanities and smashing your guitar. Especially at a festival where you know that a ton of other acts have to perform during a very short period of time as Billie Joe Armstrong does during this set from the iheartradio festival in 2012. Then again, there is a slight chance that this is the most meta version of "Basket Case" ever, in which case we apologize and applaud Mr. Armstrong.

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Make Sure Your Equipment Works

Sure, there are going to be those nights when nothing seems to go right during your set. But we'd suggest always having an extra guitar (or if you have the room, amp head) as a back-up in case your instrument stops working all together on stage, especially if you can't afford a tech. We probably still wouldn't like this Billy Talent song even if they performed it flawlessly but the awkward time the band fill trying to get this instrument up and running again makes this two-minute-long clip feel like an hour of torture.

Shut Up

We get that not everything always goes your way during a performance but remember that the audience is paying money to see your band play, not to hear you ramble endlessly on about how you're not happy with the venue. Think about what Pearl Jam classic the audience could have heard during these few precious minutes as opposed to an unfocused diatribe from Eddie Vedder? Then again, these are the same people who can sit through a 200-minute long Pearl Jam concert, so clearly they bleed flannel. See also: "Don't Drink Too Much."

Act Like You Actually Want To Be There

Some days, you aren't going to want to play a show: You just got in a fight with your girlfriend, your favorite Sheetz closed, whatever. But when people are paying money to see you, it's important that you at least "pretend" that you want to be there regardless of genre. A special exception goes to the Pixies who get a pass not because they're middle-aged but because despite writing tons of amazing songs, they have always been a complete snooze to watch. Seriously, I think I burned more calories typing this than the band did during this performance.

Jonah Bayer will drunk fight you on stage. Follow him on Twitter - @mynameisjonah