Fuck, Marry, Kill - Chris Martin, Usher and Example

It's the oldest question in the world: Fuck, marry or kill?

Last weekend at Wembley Stadium, Capital FM provided a live concert to thousands of mainstream radio's chirpiest fans. Three of the most sexually contentious men in music happened to be playing: Usher, Chris Martin from Coldplay, and Example - the Slug and Lettuce Rakim.

We wanted to take the sexual temperature of the nation, so we hit the streets to ask the oldest question in the world: If you reeeally had to, who would you fuck, marry and kill out of Example, Usher and Chris Martin?




Karina, 23 and Astria, 30.

Noisey: Who are you most looking forward to today?
Astria: Coldplay.

Cool. What about Example and Usher?
Both: Yeah.

Out of Chris Martin, Usher and Example who would you fuck, marry and kill?
Astria: Oh shag Example, definitely. He's gorgeous! I think Chris Martin's more of a marrying type isn't he?

Why? Because he is married?
Yeah.

What would Example be like in the bedroom?
Astria: I think he'd be dirrrty. I think he'd like pull my hair, slap me, call me a dirty girl.
Karina: Astria! But yeah, he would destroy you.
Astria: He could definitely smash my backdoors in.

Good to know. Anyway, how would you kill Usher?
Karina: Pillow over his face?
Astria: Yeah, he's gotta go. I mean he's not done any good songs in ages, has he?

I dunno, everyone loved "Climax". Cheers though!

David, 18 and Freddie 19.

Noisey: Hey guys!
Both: Heeey!

Fuck, marry and kill; Chris Martin, Usher, Example?
Freddie: Oooh, I'd kill Example!

Oh yeah?
Yeah and I'd probably marry Chris Martin and shag Usher.
David: Usher's got the swagger.

Take me through it, how would you kill Example?
Freddie: It would have to be quite violent, throw him off a cliff... onto some cactuses.

What would you walk down the aisle to for Chris?
One of his songs, it would have to be a happy one.
David: That's tough, there aren't any! I'd go for “Princes of China,” I mean come on, look at me!

Are you fucking, marrying and killing in the same order as your mate here?
Oh definitely. Do I have to take you through how we would have sex Usher?

Yes.
Freddie: Candles, romantic...
David: Romantic, you're kidding? One night with Usher? I'd just ride him, I would ride that shit.

His place or yours?
Anywhere. In the street, wherever! I'd just grab him and ride him...
Freddie: Poolside would be nice.

Krystal, 25

Noisey: Chris Martin, Usher and Example; fuck, marry, kill?
Krystal: I'd probably shag Usher, I'd kill Chris Martin and, what was the other one?

Your future husband, Example.
Oh yeaaah. Yeah, I'd totally marry him, then I could get a Visa and stay in the country longer.

How would he propose?
Somewhere romantic, like the London Eye. I've never been there before.

That's a nice idea. What do you think Usher would be like in the sack?
Pretty good, I reckon.

How come?
I dunno? 'Cos he's black.

Awk.



Noura, 21

Noisey: Are you looking forward to Example, today?
Noura: Yeah.

Usher?
Yeah.

What about Coldplay?
Yeah, they're gonna play “Paradise.”

They sure are. Out of Chris Martin, Usher and Example who would you fuck, marry and kill?
Errr...

Fuck, marry, kill?
Errr... do I have to?

Yes. Who would you marry?
Usher, I suppose.

Who would you kill?
No-one, why would I do that?

You have to.
I don't have to. I don't want to.

I'm sorry but you do. You've got Chris Martin and Example, who would you get rid of?
Chris Martin.

You'd kill the singer from Coldplay?
Yeah.

And you'd have sex with Example?
I guess.

So, how would you marry Usher?
Yeah, definitely, I love Usher!

Tell me all about it!
It would be in Miami, on a beach.

It will be, Noura ;)



Jess, 23 and Chloe, 20.

Noisey: Hi guys, who are you excited about seeing today?
Jess: Pitbull!

Didn't know he was playing/ still existed. Do you know who Usher, Chris Martin and Example are?
Both: Yes.

Fuck, marry and kill outta those three guys?
Jess: Kill Christ Martin. Shag Example. Marry Pitbull.

You mean Usher?
Yeah, Usher.
Chloe: I think I'd have to do the same.

How would you kill Chris Martin?
Jess: Strangle him... probably with a rope.

Why shag Example?
He seems dirty.

Why do you think that?
He just does. Maybe he's into bondage.
Chloe: Jess!
Jess: What?! He could tie you up and stuff, to the bed or a post or something.

Sounds a bit Fifty Shades of Grey.
I'm reading it now!

How would you marry Usher?
Chloe: On a beach somewhere really hot.

What would he be wearing?
A white suit with no shoes.

What do you think of that, Jess?
Jess: Shit. Vegas, drunk.
Chloe: You might not remember it.
Jess: I'd take pictures.



Charlotte, 19, Vicky, 23 and Emma, 20.

Noisey: Are you excited about Usher?
Charlotte: Not really.

Coldplay?
Emma: Hate them.

Example?
Charlotte: Yes.

Phew. Fuck, marry and kill, out of those three?
Charlotte: Kill Chris Martin.

How?
Bullet through the eyeball.
Emma: With Gwyneth Paltrow, make him choke on her.

What?! Like force feed him...
Gwyneth Paltrow.
Charlotte: Or an apple, like his kid. I'd marry Example in any way he wanted, I would not mind.

And fuck Usher?
Emma: If you're giving me no better choice.

He's a good dancer.
Well, it's not like I'm looking for flexibility.

What are you looking for?
Sturdiness.

Madi, 23, Chloe, 21, Danielle, 19, Tazin, 18 and Sophie, 23.

Noisey: Who are you guys most excited about today?
Madi, Danielle, Tazin and Sophie: Justin Bieber!
Chloe: Usher.
Madi: Chloe!
Chloe: And Justin Bieber.

OK. Usher, Example and Coldplay; fuck, marry, kill?
Chloe: Huh!?
Tazin: Usher I'd shag. He's the hottest out of all of them.

Who would you kill?
Example, his tweets are really arrogant. Maybe strangulation.

How?
With a rope.

Shockingly, you're not the first to suggest that. So you're marrying Chris Martin?
Oh no! Can't I just marry Usher as well?

No, but you can switch, there's time.
Sophie: Yeah, that sounds much better.
Tazin: I'd marry Usher in Westminster Abbey.

What would he be wearing?
Obviously he'd be in a suit, except topless.

Obviously. What do you think shagging Chris Martin would be like?
Rotten, would have to be a bag job.

Do you all agree that it "would have to be a bag job"?
All: Yeah.

Sophie: I'd have to be completely out of my face.



Rachel, 20 and Danielle, 24.

Noisey: Excuse me! Shag, marry, kill; Chris Martin, Usher and Example?
Danielle: Chris Martin.

What for all of them?
Yeah, he's the fittest.

What about shag, marry or kill Ed Sheeran?
Both: Kill.

Thought so.



Fran, 34, Nierling, 32 and Grace, 31.

Noisey: Just quickly: fuck, marry, kill; Usher, Chris Martin, Example?
Fran: Well, all of them!

No! One for each.
Fran: I'd kill Usher.

How?
Nierling: With a bat.

Madi, 17 and Abby, 16.

If you had to kill Chris Martin how would you do it?
Madi: Hold his head under water.
Abby: Potatoes in the face!

RESULTS

The final scores are:

Chris Martin: 3 shags, 5 marriages and 9 killings.

Usher: 5 fucks, 5 weddings and 4 murders.

Example: 5 bones, 3 potential wives and 3 slaughterings.

Here's what it looks like in science:

OTHER FINDINGS

No. 1 place to get married: On a beach, probably in Miami or something.

Favourite murder weapon: Strangulation with a rope.

Most common reason for sexual intercourse: Would smash your backdoors in.

Follow Josh on Twitter: @joshuahaddow