Mariah Carey Is Your New 'Idol' Judge

Today, Gawker broke the news that Mariah Carey will be replacing Jennifer Lopez as a judge on the ever-exclusive American Idol judging panel. How long has Idol been on the air? Like, 400 years? It’s about time they got Mariah up there. Plus, Idol is no longer about the contestants, but more about the cast of washed-up celebrity judges, which switches like a game of musical chairs.

Bringing Mariah onto the show is genius, because the TV audience will triple. No longer is it just my mom and my grandmother watching Idol, but with Mariah on-screen, gays and young professionals who understand that spraying yourself with your own perfume (which is called “Lollipop Bling,” by the way) is funny. Hell, even superstars like Grimes will be tuning in, because everyone knows that little pixie is obsessed with Mariah Carey. Think of how many gay bars are going to throw the most lavish, candy-filled premiere party when Mariah’s first Idol episode airs...

Idol needs a strong, slightly crazy female pop star to sit between Randy and whoever is it that is replacing Simon Cowell to balance out the panel. Paula Abdul held that down for years, giving audiences some of the most well rehearsed, half-cut lies—“I really thought that was beautiful. You are beautiful! Just beautiful, as a person!”—from a variety show judge. And sure, Jennifer Lopez was stunning and did the nice thing quite well, but we have high, high hopes for Mariah. Remember that time she interviewed herself right after "Heartbreaker" single came out and she pretended to be British? She is a true star. If she acts anything like she did during her Home Shopping Network appearance, then it’s going to be perfect. And, well, seeing as it's reported that she'll be earning $17 million for the show, she'd better be.