Fuck, Marry, Kill: Dizzee Rascal, Wretch 32, Ben HowardBy Henrietta Hitchcock
It's the oldest question in the world; Fuck, Marry or Kill?
This weekend in a massive field in Wales, Beach Break Live festival provided a rain soaked weekend of music for drunk students and graduates all from across the UK (it's that kinda festival). We took the opportunity to scientifically analyse what the sexual, marital and homicidal preferences of the public are towards grime-stars Dizzee Rascal and Wretch 32 and west London Starbuck's answer to Greenwich village coffee house folk-revival, Ben Howard.
Fuck 'em and leave 'em? Buy-a-house and raise some kids? Or rope them down with cable ties, cut off their flaccid penis and mutilate their face with a razor-blade attached to a toothbrush until they look like they love you?
Dizzee Rascal, Wretch 32 and Ben Howard; fuck, marry and kill?
Noisey: Hi! Fuck, marry and kill; Wretch 32, Dizzee Rascal and Ben Howard?
John, 20 (right): They’re all guys!
Yeah, they are.
OK, I’d marry Ben Howard because you wouldn’t have to rave your shit off every single second.
You wouldn’t have to rave your shit off every single second.
He’d be chilled. I’d go for a quick one with Dizzee. Big rave, nice and hard.
Who would you murder?
I’d just kill Wretch 32 off by putting him on a hog roast.
Tom, 24 (left) and James, 23.
Noisey: Excuse me! Fuck, marry, kill; Dizzee Rascal, Wretch 32 and Ben Howard?
James: I’d marry Dizzee Rascal because he’s got a huge dick. I’d fuck Ben Howard, so he could sing to me. He’d be a softie.
Tom: I’m not fucking Ben Howard. I would kill him by giving him a rope. He’d kill himself. I’d just give him the rope. I don’t think I could murder but I would support euthanasia. I’d marry Wretch 32, in Malaysia, the day after I split up with my Malaysian wife, on the porch of her wooden shack.
Jonny, 20: I’d fuck Wretch 32, because he’s got a lot of stuff. Ben Howard, I don’t know who he is. He can be killed.
So you're marrying Dizzee Rascal?
Yeah. In the Bahamas, with a cocktail.
Rhiannon, 23: I’d marry Ben Howard because I love him. I’d kidnap him and go to a random island.
Good plan, then he can't get away.
I’d have to kill Wretch 32 and fuck Dizzee, but I really wouldn’t want to kill him.
If you had to kill him, how would you do it?
[Rhiannon's nearby friend]: We’re all about peace and love over here.
OK, if you’re all about love then how would you go about fucking Dizzee Rascal?
Rhiannon: I’d kidnap him again.
You’re just a kidnapping kind of woman, huh?
Kayley, 19, Beth, 19 and Nia, 19.
Kayley and Beth: Marry Ben Howard!
Kayley: He’s such a babe.
Beth: I could listen to him talk for hours.
Kayley: I’d marry him on a beach.
Who are you fucking?
Kayley: Ooo yeah, give us a bit of Dizzee Rascal. He’s quite big isn’t he?
Nia: What? He’s really small!
Kayley: No, I mean…
His penis. So who are you all fucking?
Kayley: Wretch 32. I’d say would you fuck me? Then I’d rock up on a tractor.
Nia: Yeah, here’s my tractor, would you ride me?
Beth: I might just go with chloroform.
Noisey: Hi guys, just a quick one before you get back to rescuing the Princess or collecting stars or whatever the fuck you think you're doing today: out of Dizzee Rascal, Ben Howard and Wretch 32, who would you fuck, marry, kill?
Mario: We are guys.
Yeah, I know.
Luigi: Ok then, I’d marry Dizzee Rascal for the money. I’d put up with the shit for the money. I’d fuck Ben Howard because he’s going to be a world class DJ.
Erm...he’s not a DJ.
Oh right, I’ve got the wrong one. I’d kill him then. I’d do it with an injection because I don’t know him. I suppose I’ve got to fuck Wretch...
... I’d be giving it.
Nick, 25: Are you having a laugh!? I’m not bumming no man. I don’t want people finding out.
I tried it once and I didn’t like it.
What happened, Nick?
It just wasn't my cup of tea.
Emily, 21: I’d marry Ben Howard because I actually love him. That’s why I’m here. I’d be such an adoring wife.
Who are you fucking?
Probably Dizzee Rascal because he looks quite naughty. I’d just say, how about it? I guess by default I’m killing Wretch 32, I don’t massively know who he is.
I’d sneak up behind him with a hammer.
Jack, 28 (right): Dizzee Rascal, he’d sound like a chicken if I was fucking him.
What are you talking about?
You’re not giving me much-
Umm, so, who would you fuck?
I’d fuck her [points to the girl on his left]
What? I’ve got to fuck more people? I’m out of juice, man [laughs]
Ed, 23: I’d fuck Dizee Rascal. I think he’d be a bit naughty. I’d marry Ben Howard because he’d be a sensitive partner.
How would you get married to Ben?
In west Wales, looking deep into each others eyes. I’d kill Wretch 32.
I’d bludgeon him with Dizzee Rascal’s penis.
Baz, 25: Dizzee kill. Wretch 32 fuck. Ben Howard marry. His music is, like, you can really relate to it.
I am not gay. I don’t stand around and say “Oi! Get your sausage out!”
Hannah, 19: I don’t know Ben Howard so I’d have to kill him. I’d shag Dizzee because Wretch seems more homely, more of a hubby. I think Dizzee would cheat on me.
:( What would you do if you found out Ben was really good looking?
I’d kill him anyway. Life’s too short.
Marcus, 23: I’d fuck Ben Howard.
That would be awkward in the morning because I don’t know him.
Would you take a swift exit or stick around for breakfast?
It depends whose house we were at. If he was at mine, I’d turf him out. If it was at his, I’d at least expect a cuppa and a ciggy. I’d have to kill Wretch because he’s on the Olympic 2012 hype and we’re all going to die. Obviously, Dizzee is a handsome lad.
We're all gonna what? So you’d marry Dizzee?
I think he’d look after me.
But behind closed doors he’d be rough and ready.
The final scores are:
Dizzee Rascal: 6 fucks, 4 marries and 1 kill.
Wretch 32: 5 shags, 2 weddings and 5 murders.
Ben Howard: Just 2 bones, 6 potential wives and 4 deaths.
No. 1 place to get married: Wales.
Best murder weapon: Hog-roasting.
Favourite sex weapon: Chloroform or tractor.
Follow Henrietta on Twitter @henriettach
Previously - Fuck, Marry, Kill - Chris Martin, Usher and Example
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