NOISEY REVIEWS
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Surfer Blood's 'Pythons' Is for When I Want to Have a Carefree Afternoon Full of Aggression
I'M GONNA GO FILM A SKATE VIDEO PART TO THE SHIT. Full Story
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J. Cole's 'Born Sinner' Is OK But Maybe I'm Just In a Great Mood
I FEEL LIKE I'M LISTENING TO MY FRIEND COMPLAIN WHILE I'M PLAYING CALL OF DUTY HIGH. Full Story
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30 Seconds to Mars' 'Love, Lust, Faith, and Dreams' Is Male Bare Midriff Music
JARED LETO IS ON SOME OTHER SHIT B. YOU'RE A PRETTY OKAY ACTOR MY GUY THIS WHOLE "I'M IN A ROCK BAND" SHIT IS WILD ANCILLARY. YOU COULD PROLLY EAT OFF DOING MOVIES WHERE YOU STARE LOVINGLY INTO CAREY MULLIGAN'S EYES OR SOME SHIT. Full Story
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French Montana's 'Excuse My French' Is a Masterpiece Full of Arbitrary Violence and Strip Club Sonatas
THIS IS THIS GENERATION'S 'ILLMATIC' AND IF YOU DISAGREE YOU'VE NEVER SHOT A GUN AT ANOTHER HUMAN. Full Story
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The National's 'Trouble Will Find Me' Is Musical Ambien
YO I ACTUALLY FELL ASLEEP LISTENING TO THIS I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING B. Full Story
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Waka Flocka's 'DuFlocka Rant: Halftime Show' Is Good But It Comes Nowhere Close to Achieving the Sheer Power of the Musical Violence on 'DuFlocka Rant 2'
I REALLY RELY ON WAKA TO UNABASHEDLY SUPPORT ME IN MY BAD LIFE CHOICES. Full Story
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Styles P's 'Float' Has Kinda Shitty Beats But Styles Is Still the Hardest Rapper Out (Pause)
I'M NOT BLOWN AWAY BY THESE BEATS MY NIGGA THESE ARE THE "TWO CHEESEBURGERS" MEAL AT MCDONALDS WHEN WHAT I REALLY NEED IS THAT DOUBLE QUARTER POUNDER (PAUSE) WITH EXTRA PICKLES (WILD PAUSE). Full Story
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Iggy and the Stooges' 'Ready to Die' Kind of Expresses Dangerous Sentiment
THIS IS ROCK MUSIC FOR A "SONS OF ANARCHY" VIDEO GAME FOR GAMEBOY COLOR. IGGY'S VOICE SOUNDS CRAZY DISINTERESTED ON 80% OF THESE JOINTS. Full Story
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will.i.am's #willpower, as Reviewed by a Dude on Molly
Turns out molly will make anything sound pretty good, especially music that's made for people who are on molly. Full Story
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Charli XCX's 'True Romance' Is Beautiful and Perfect Pop Music, Or Maybe I'm Just Having a Good Day
ONCE AGAIN THIS JUST GOES TO SHOW THAT MUSIC REVIEWS ARE BULLSHIT B. Full Story
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Rob Zombie's 'Regeneration Vendor' Makes Mothers Cry Because When Their Children Listen to it They Inadvertently Prove That They Are Devoid of Swag
IF YOU'RE A NORMAL HUMAN THAT HAS SEX SOMEWHAT REGULARLY AND DOESN'T CHEW UP FOOD THEN STICK THEIR TONGUE OUT LIKE "BLLLEEEEGGGHHH" WHILE ROLLING YOUR EYES BACK THEN YOU NEED TO NOT FUCK WITH THIS AT ALL B. Full Story
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Kid Cudi's 'Indicud' is an Audio Cokedream
A LOT OF THESE JOINTS ARE COOL BUT ALOT OF IT IS (SEEMINGLY) THE CULMINATION OF THIS DUDE BLOWING MAD PERICO AND WRITING SONGS ABOUT HOW HE'S A SUPER ALIEN RAP GOD. Full Story
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Ian McCulloch's 'Holy Ghost' is Music for a Grandfather in a Starbucks
I KNEW THIS SHIT WAS GONNA BE PRETENTIOUS AS FUCK BECAUSE THE TITLE SOUNDS LIKE A DOG EARED NOVEL A WHITE LADY WOULD BE READING ON THE L TRAIN. Full Story
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Paramore's Self-Titled Album is Music for Teens to Saunter Through Food Courts To
WHITE PEOPLE LISTEN TO ME. PUT THE FUCKING UKULELE DOWN. Full Story
NOW PLAYING ON YOUTUBE
