I Totally Watched The GrammysBy Sasha Hecht
In his recent Motherboard post, Brian Anderson told us that he'd rather listen to Sabbath than watch the Grammys. Well, the following recap is about the Grammys. I'm well aware that they're nothing more than an industry circle jerk that bears no reflection on who and what is actually deserving of attention in music, but suspend your disbelief and let's do this.
Adele cleaned up last night, taking home six Grammys (matching Beyoncé's record for most Grammys won by a female artist in a single night) including Album of the Year for 21. She also premiered her newly repaired pipes (for which she "fanked" her wonderful docs) with a show-stopping rendition of "Rolling in the Deep" and IF YOU SAY A SINGLE BAD THING ABOUT ADELE I SWEAR TO GOD...
Everyone was really sad about Whitney, but mostly they just really wanted you to know how sad they were about Whitney. Jennifer Hudson, who is apparently the new go-to for weepy, single-spotlight tributes these days, churned out a cover of "I Will Always Love You" and everyone wondered if it was racist to say that she looked like Michelle Obama (jury's still out on that one). I would have pegged Blue Ivy Carter for the tribute, but she was probably busy updating her Tumblr.
Something horrible happened, and it involved Chris Brown, Lil Wayne, David Guetta, Foo Fighters, Deadmau5, and lightsabers. But then, something magical happened! We were treated to seven solid seconds of Dave Grohl in a Slayer tee trying to dance to a Deadmau5 brostep remix of a Foo Fighters song. Then a sinkhole to Hell opened up, and everyone involved was sucked in!
Why exactly this Ike-Turner-reincarnate hack is allowed be doing anything Grammy-related is beyond me (or anyone, really). Keep doing those backflips, Chris. Oh and also, here are 25 girls who would let Chris Brown beat them up, because "LOL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE" when you have fancy footwork, right guys??
Bon Iver won Best New Artist-That's-Actually-Been-On-Everyone's-Radar-For-Four-Years and Justin Vernon falteringly said something about all of the artists who deserve to win awards but never will as the eggshells almost audibly crackled under his feet. This (of course) lead to the instantaneous creation of who-is-bon-iver.tumblr.com and the Twitter trending topic "Bonny Bear".