Bruise Cruise Logbook - Day TwoBy Jessica Lauretti
Jessica wrote this update on the Bruise Cruise, but she didn't have Internet - here is her 2nd post, from last Friday:
Guyzzzz I'm on a CRUISE! I'm writing this from a chaise lounge by the pool in my bikini while sipping on a piña colada! It's awesome!
I've never been on a cruise before but from what I've heard you can basically do or have whatever you want, whenever you want it. It's the ultimate in excess, decadence and debauchery. We're hoping this thing gets wild and are up for the good vibes.
We got on the boat yesterday and went for our Bruise Cruise schwag—a t-shirt, sunglasses, beer koozie, rolling papers and a BC artist 7". On a side note all of the 7" artwork was done by my friend Rob Corradetti of Killer Acid; who coincidentally was my upstairs neighbor in my first Brooklyn apartment.
Next we were sent to a mandatory safety briefing where this dude with a huge beard covered in tattoos and clearly already partying kept screaming "Barney! Barney!" until the Carnival staff yelled at him through a megaphone to be quiet. The thing that's funny about this cruise is that the Bruise Cruise is only about 500 people out of the total 2,000 or so people onboard. So there are tons of families and kids everywhere. Groups in matching t-shirts that read "Team Bride" or "Pat's 60th Birthday Cruise" alongside bros funneling beers. Most of the bruisers are from Brooklyn but there are pretty large contingents from Chicago and Nashville as well. The kids from Chicago keep insisting that they know how to party better than Brooklyn kids do.
Walking around the ship is pretty bizarre. The main deck is called the "Imagination Promenade" and is essentially a hallway with bars and casinos decorated in 80's narco-deco design. It's heavily air conditioned and sort of smells like stale cigarettes. On board they have a mini golf course, an Olympic size jogging track, a huge slide and a sushi bar! You basically step out of the elevator into a crazy salsa party with waiters handing you colorful frozen drinks everywhere you go.
The Dirtbombs and The Oh Sees play at the Xanadau lounge as we start to head off towards the Bahamas. Pretty quickly we lose cell service and are just totally in it. It's a relatively small group of Bruisers here so everyone is chilling in the same club. Karen O, Kyp Malone and other indie celebrities, are here hanging out, drinking icy cocktails and dancing to the bands. People are getting tropical and are walking around in their robes and bathing suits. One guy makes a joke to me "What's a guy gotta do to get roofied around here?" Then a girl tells me that the last email she got before losing service was that she no longer has a job—funemployed! Even more reason to party! Everyone I talked to here agrees—this RULES!
By dinner everyone is wasted. A guy yells outside the formal dining room "Let's get this show rolling. I want a steak!" You sit down to dinner with a big group of people and the girls at our table start telling us about their day. A couple made an advance at them in the hot tub which they politely declined. The girl on the end has crutches from braking her heel. That sucks. Across from us is a guy who is staying on our floor. We ran into him earlier when he was stumbling lost, slurring his words and spilling his drink. He told us he was getting dressed for dinner. When we saw him here he had a towel in the shape of a bunny on his head. Then the entire wait staff broke into this humiliating dance where they "get low". This photo is King Kahn's kid getting low with their water. You'll see more of him tomorrow.
After dinner, Jello Biafra (Dead Kennedy's frontman) had a spoken word event in the conference room. It was a packed room with a line of people down the hall trying to get in. "Put down your crack pipes and listen up." He says. He quickly goes from making fun of bad band names like Modest Mouse and Of Montreal into how "America has gone to hell" and how the class warfare is now disguised as a race war. "We are living in the new dark ages" he says. The conference room is next door to the disco and you can hear the bass through the walls. The door adjoining the two opens and in walks the bunny towel head guy from before. Rhianna's new rave single We found Love is pouring into the silent room. He comes in, sits down and then gets up and stumbles out again. Later bunny towel head guy was seen dancing alone to Dave Matthews band on the pool deck dance floor. He's from Chicago.
Ok so there are a couple of buzzkills about the cruise. The hot tub closes at midnight, your drinks are NOT included and the weather is not great. It's kind of rainy and cold. But this isn't stopping anyone from going for it. Also on the up side there is a 24 hr pizza and ice cream bar that people are really getting into. "Gotta go get some za dude" is heard frequently throughout the night.
Next up is the Dating Game hosted by Damian from Fucked Up. Jeremy, one of the bachelor's in the game tells me that to get in the game he had to answer the question "What is your best pick up line." After consulting the internet and some sites like www.awesomepickuplines.com he went with "Baby, you look great tonight." Admittedly generic and not even really a pick up line he somehow was chosen to play. His bachelorette is Camille and she is sups cute. "Bachelor #2, if you were my yacht what would be your name?" With some hesitation he replies "Baby's New Shoes." A decent mix of cheers and boos are heard from the crowd. Camille didn't go with Jeremy, but when he walked over to reveal himself she said "Jeremy?! I did enjoy our talk in the hot tub earlier." They had met that afternoon. As a consolation he won a towel with a drawing of a penis on it and an "I was in Miami Bitch" t-shirt.
The after party for the night was a performance by Bounce Artist Vockah Redu. He walked out on stage with incense burning in his mouth and quickly threw off his jacket and busted into a sick dance routine with his cru. "I know you heard of sissy bounce. I'm not a part of that… I'm an artist and I'm serious about my shit." Someone throws a blow up doll on the stage and he does a handstand down into a push up and proceeds to bounce on it. He's clearly a babe with a totally hot bod and this one girl wanted it so bad that she crawled up on stage to rub his chest.
It's the end of the night and the cleaning ladies are sweeping up condom balloons off the floor. Time to call it.
Gotta go to Bruiser Karaoke. Later dudes I'm cruisinn. x