The Worst Successfully-Funded Band Kickstarters of All Time, EverBy Daniel Dorsa
Thanks to Kickstarter, that great equalizer of crowd-sourced guilt-funding, people with terrible ideas have been more able than ever to spray their garbage all over this terrible world. I have nothing against Kickstarter per se, unless its used to fund awful bands.
Listen, I'm all about people pursing their dreams and their creative endeavors. That's what fuels a lot of us from being miserable boring sacks of flesh. Plus it's kind of cool to see humans fuel their fiery passions, regardless of how bad they may be at it.
What really irks me are the videos people produce to ask for money. They typically involve staring awkwardly into their webcam and saying things like "this has a lot of meaning," or "help us help you." The amazing thing is that, despite all these negative aspects of the videos, they get funded. We aren't talking $50 dollars for beer money kind of money, we're talking some serious flow.
I got jealous, so this weekend I sifted through the Internetz to find the worst successfully funded Kickstarted videos in the history of the world, of all time.
Just Might Be… A Funky Fresh Rap Album
FINAL TOTAL: $2,720
This project by hip hop artist Sankofa describes his himself as "an average guy, awesome rapper looking to go out with an album like those I loved…" He didn't put any video footage of himself though. That'd be too easy, and Sankofa don't go out like that. Instead, he simply drops a voice over on top of pictures of his baby. Playing the cute card is a tried and true marketing tactic, but he also has very enticing rewards. For $30 dollars you could've nabbed "the carnivore pack," which includes a lunch date with Sankofa himself. Bring some money though, he'll only cover "ten dollars of your meal.” The Carnivore Pack also gets you a Sankofa toothpick holder. I'd have personally picked the $100 dollar reward, where he plays you a twenty-minute set in your living room, possibly twenty-five if your living room is "creepy enough." Sankofa's clever-cute ploy and his tempting rewards allowed him to be successfully funded for a total of $2,720 dollars.
Rainstriker - A Fantasy Music Album
by ELENI VIOLARIS
FINAL TOTAL: £25,000
This one is like Lord of Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean split screened on acid. The production of the video teaser is actually really impressive. Somehow, this fantasy album raised £27,000. That's about $42,000, for all you yanks. People, you understand this money could have paid for someone to go to college? Instead, the Internet decided it needed a new soundtrack for its sexy-time LARPing. I hope you're level 40 Paladin feels real good listening to this.
by GSRV MUSIC
FINAL TOTAL: $711
This one went against the grain. It had: No speaking, no music, and almost no information. Instead, GSRV Music decided to get someone to film him frolic uncomfortably in a boring field with text over him. The best part is that some of the text runs off the side of the screen. I particularly like the way he kicks his foot at the 30-second mark as if he’s a twee soccer player. The pre-ripped jeans are an added perk. Despite how uninformative and strange the video was, his project was successfully funded for a modest amount of $711 to fund mastering of a “pop, rock, and R&B” album that I hope I never hear.
I Like Girls
by TIMON MORALES
FINAL TOTAL: $4,026
This project is full of lies. The project titled is I Like Girls, with thumbnail of girls on the cover, yet it has nothing to do with girls at all. Instead, it's about Timon Morales’ production company called Broken Face Productions, named after when he broke his face in a car accident. The picture on his shirt is his x-ray of his broken face. His "vision" was drawn out with stick figures and taped to his rape van for the entire world to see. The most confusing part is that this is labeled under music and the written description is about making an all girl rap album in LA with "Jay Lo [sic], C-Lo [sic], and a whole bunch of Lo's." With that, Mr. Morales walked away with $4,026 in his pocket.
The Wizard Album
FINAL TOTAL: $1,758
Rule number one about hip-hop: No wizards. Wizards are meant for metal, stoner metal, fantasy metal, and other genres that have the word metal in them. White South Korean rapper Manateeman apparently didn't read the rule book and created a rap album about being a wizard. He does all these cute camera tricks to prove how much of a magician he is. He even added a music video of himself lamping on the beach rapping about wizard sleeves. There are no dragons, wizard battles, or Harry Potter cameos. If you're going to break the rules, at least go all out and make a statement.
A New Untitled Record
by MINDLESS SELF INDULGENCE
FINAL TOTAL: $225,045
For their Kickstarter campaign, Mindless Self Indulgence was kind enough to gather sixteen of their weird fans, put them in an arcade game, and get them to demand a new record. They even got porn stars to tag along: you can see Joanna Angel topless at the 58-second mark. After a while, Jimmy Urine joins them and starts yelling "you will have to pay for it, motherfuckers!" All the teen angst that runs through his veins and liberty spikes (or whatever he has on his head) allowed for Urine to angrily convince almost 7,000 people to cough up $225,045 dollars.
Dan is our intern, which means we make him do all the stuff we don't want to and he can't complain or else we'll tell his school he's a bad seed and knock down his GPA. He also writes for Tiny Waves and Portals, but you should follow him on Twitter - @danieldorsa